𝒘𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒔. | chaennie

stop sending letters

The longing, yearning. It felt like years. Timeless and tormented years, was what it felt like. When really, it has only been a month. And to say how lonely, how painful it felt to be all alone was an understatement.

And as she sat there, she did nothing but gaped at her phone. Message after message. It was an ongoing series of waking up in a bed that wasn't her own, taking subtle steps on the floor, looking around at her surroundings realizing that this is not the place that she calls home. It has been a while since she's been home.

But Rosé didn't want to go home. She feared if she did, her heart would just break a little more, not thinking that she could handle much more of it.

Her phone, still buzzing on top of the table. A million messages, ones filled with remorse, mournful sentences packed with words of regret. The more she looked, the more she wanted to give in. "I miss you," or "Please come home," were the usual messages she would get, but as she stared, this one was a pretty long one." Yet, not even once, she dared to respond to her cry of messages. She was afraid to, not knowing what to say anymore.

"Rosie. Please come home. Give me the chance to explain myself, please. It wasn't what you thought it was, believe me. I did not kiss him back, I would never. Not in a billion years or lifetimes would I choose anyone else over you, just, please come home. Come home and talk to me like the fucking adults we are, please. We are married, you are my wife. Just please, talk to me."

Rosé shook her head, turning off the phone before another long message came.

"I'm begging you, at least tell me where you are. Or if you are okay, please tell me you're okay. I'll give you more time if you need it, I'll leave you be for now, but I cannot stand the thought of you being anything but happy. Please, just a simple im okay text from you would ease my worries, please Rosie."

Shit. She promised herself that she wouldn't cry anymore. But Jennie's words, they were very damn persistent, knowing that she was crazy worried about her really did warm her ruined heart. But she still needed time, to process everything for herself before seeing her wife once more.

"What the hell am I doing." She mumbled, a lump stuck in her throat. Staring at the messages coming through with the speed of light, she turned off her notifications and faced the phone upside down. Still staring at the device, head crowded with unsaid fears.

Ever since that night, it troubled her. Way too much. It was just too much. Every time she pictured Jennie, her face was still cradled in his hands. His lips on hers.

The uncontrollable thoughts just couldn't stop, why can't it stop?

Rosé swallowed her sobs, just by thinking about it. Just picturing it, came an overwhelming amount of cries coming out of her. No longer having the will to manage her sobs, allowing herself to just let go.

It was as if she was just torturing herself by replaying the same scene over and over again. How could she not? Just by the pain in her thoughts inflicted on her heart.

She knew Jennie had good intentions, she knows she still loves her or she wanted to believe she did. Just thinking about her, still pained her. But she also knew that she missed her, terribly.

She didn't think she'd last this long to be as far away from Jennie, then again, she didn't think she had to.

Knowing Jennie, she really made it a challenge to stay away from her not. Not only by her words, she just knew Jennie would do anything, absolutely anything just so she knows where she was.

Rosé was hurting, but determined to take her time to think things through. Which is why she knew she couldn't go to her usual places. She requested to work from her laptop, knowing that Jennie would find her there at her work. Staying at any relatives or friends houses wasn't a very good option either. With limited amount of choices, she settled on a hotel room, far away enough to gather her thoughts together.

And with a sigh, she hardly rubbed her tears away with her sleeve and walked over to the bathroom.

Her reflection was all she could she the second she stepped in. She looked terrible, reflecting how terrible she was feeling. Her hair wasn't combed, noticeable eyebags, and a pair of a shirt and sweats that are in need of a wash. She was tempted in packing one of Jennie's sweaters, but deciding not to for the sake of her own being.

Without realizing it, a loud knock was heard. Her fragile heart thumping against her chest as she thinks that the one knocking on her door, might be the one she's trying to stay away from.

Cautiously, she unlocked it and peaked through the crack. Just to not find the person she was secretly hoping for.

"Hi Chae." Lisa said, with a sad smile. She was only one of the few people she told about her whereabouts. Rosé opened the door fully, noticing a bag of food was in one of her hands. Lisa too looked down on the food before looking back up. "I got your favorite, just to try to cheer you up."

Rosé just nodded emptily and walked to the table, her emotionless movements made Lisa frown, but she hid it. She placed the food on top of the table, unpacking it for her.

Lisa pulled one of the chairs closer to Rosé, who was staring at the wall. "Your favorite Korean BBQ was closed today so I got you your other favorite." She opened the package, "Ta-da! Sushi! And I got you extra salmon too."

She only received another nod and a small thank you. Lisa sighed again.

"Chae, maybe it's about time you try and talk things out with Jennie." Grabbing her hand, "It's been almost a month and I've seen the two of you separately, you're both just hurting yourselves by not being with each other."

She squeezed her hand after not getting a verbal response from the other. "Please. It's hurting me knowing that the two of you are hurting as well. I promise you, talking it out will ease your fears—"

"It's not that easy." Rosé lets out a shaky sigh, "I'm still not prepared for what she wants to say to me. And just seeing her, I can only picture his face on hers, I can't bear that, Lis. I just can't."

"But can you bear just this any longer? Look at yourself, you love food and yet you've been the skinniest I have ever seen. This isn't healthy, Chae."

"I'm sure Jennie has some explaining to do. But I know she isn't that type of person. Not when she loves you so much, anyone could see it. Your love for each other is strong, and not a single stupid miscommunication will stop that."

Not giving her a chance to respond, she pulled her into a tight embrace. Rosé stayed still for a moment, before instantly crying her heart out onto her friends shoulder.

"What if she tells me the one thing I've been afraid all along? How can I live with that? Can I even live like that— knowing she could possibly love him—"

She shook her head, "I doubt that. The both of you are stronger than that. The ring on your finger is a symbol of how much love you have for one another." She reassures her, "And if she actually loves him, which I doubt. I'll kill her on the spot."

Lisa whispered in her ear. "Let her talk to you. Put an end to this suffering of yours, will ya?" She pulled away and grinned, wiping the fallen tears with the back of her fingers.

Rosé nodded again. She didn't feel quite ready as she wanted to be, but she knew she couldn't hide herself any longer. Mustering up some courage, she squeezed back Lisa's hand that were still holding onto hers. "I will."