Submerge

B O Y F R I E N D

The drive back to Ethan's place was a blur. My mind was spinning, a mess of emotions—guilt, fear, and a deep-seated shame that had taken root years ago. I couldn't stop replaying Jacob's words, his accusations, the way Ethan's eyes had searched mine for the truth. I was terrified that now, after hearing what really happened, Ethan would see me the way I saw myself: as someone unworthy of love, someone tainted by the past.

When we finally arrived at Ethan's house, he led me inside, his hand never leaving mine. He was quiet, not pushing me to talk, just offering the comfort of his presence. I clung to that, needing the warmth of his touch to keep me grounded, to keep the darkness at bay.

Ethan guided me to his room, and we sat on the edge of his bed. He looked at me with those kind, understanding eyes, and I felt the dam I'd built inside me start to crack. The weight of everything I'd been holding back, the guilt I'd carried alone for so long, threatened to overwhelm me.

"Mason," Ethan said softly, his voice steady but filled with concern. "You don't have to tell me if you're not ready, but... I'm here. Whatever it is, you can tell me."

I swallowed hard, my throat tight with emotion. "I... I need to tell you," I whispered, my voice trembling. "You deserve to know the truth."

Ethan nodded, squeezing my hand gently, silently encouraging me to go on.

I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself, but as soon as I opened my mouth, the words tumbled out, raw and jagged. "It was a few years ago, during the summer. Emma—my sister—and I were at this lake near our house. We used to go there all the time, just the two of us. It was our place, you know? A place where we could escape everything."

I paused, the memories flooding back with a clarity that was both painful and overwhelming. "She wanted to swim out to this rock in the middle of the lake. It was something we did all the time. I didn't think anything of it. But that day... that day was different."

Ethan stayed silent, his gaze locked on mine, his thumb brushing soothing circles on the back of my hand. It was the only thing that kept me from breaking down completely.

"I had... I had gotten high earlier that day," I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper. "I thought it would just be fun, that I could handle it. But when we got out there, halfway to the rock, I started to realize I couldn't. I was too messed up to keep going, too out of it to think clearly."

The guilt surged, threatening to choke me, but I forced myself to continue. "I tried to tell Emma I needed to stop, that I couldn't keep up. But she was already ahead of me, so excited to reach the rock. I watched her go under the water, and I tried to reach her, but... I couldn't. I was too slow, too disoriented."

Tears blurred my vision, and I wiped them away with a shaky hand. "I should have been able to save her. I should have been there for her, but I couldn't because I was too fucking high. I lost her because of that. Because of me."

I couldn't hold back the sobs anymore, the memories tearing through me like a storm. "It's my fault she died. If I hadn't been so stupid, so selfish, she would still be here."

Ethan's arms wrapped around me, pulling me close. "Mason, it wasn't your fault," he whispered, his voice breaking with emotion. "You made a mistake, but you didn't mean for this to happen. It was an accident."

"But I should have known better!" I cried, the anguish in my chest spilling over. "I was supposed to protect her, and I failed. She's gone because of me."

 shook my head, unable to accept his words. The guilt had been a part of me for so long that I didn't know how to let it go. "I miss her so much, Ethan," I whispered, my voice broken. "She was my other half" 

Ethan pulled back slightly, just enough to look into my eyes. "It's okay to miss her, Mason. It's okay to grieve. But you have to stop punishing yourself for something that wasn't your fault. Emma wouldn't want that for you. She wouldn't want you to carry this guilt forever."

As the tears began to subside, leaving only the remnants of raw emotion in their wake, I pulled back slightly from Ethan's embrace, wiping my face with the back of my hand. The room was quiet, the only sound the soft hum of the city outside, and Ethan's steady breathing. I looked up at him, the weight of everything I had just confessed still heavy in my chest.

Ethan's eyes were filled with a warmth that I didn't feel I deserved, a gentleness that made my heart ache in a different way—one that wasn't laced with guilt or pain, but with something far more tender.

Before I could say anything, Ethan leaned in, his lips brushing against mine in a kiss that was soft, almost hesitant. It wasn't rushed or demanding; it was a kiss that spoke of understanding, of patience, and of a deep, abiding care. I felt myself melt into it, the last of my defenses crumbling under the gentleness of his touch.

When he pulled back, his hand still cradling my cheek, Ethan looked into my eyes, his gaze steady and full of affection. "Mason," he began, his voice soft but firm, "I know you've been through so much. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it's been for you, but I need you to know something. You are a good person. You've made mistakes, yes, but that doesn't define who you are."

His words hit me with a force I hadn't expected. I opened my mouth to protest, to tell him he was wrong, but the sincerity in his eyes stopped me. For the first time, I let myself really hear him, to let his words sink in.

"I see the way you care about people," Ethan continued, his thumb gently brushing my cheek. "I see how much you've struggled, but I also see how much you want to do better. That's what matters, Mason. Not the mistakes you've made, but the person you're trying to be."

I felt my throat tighten with emotion, my heart pounding in my chest. No one had ever spoken to me like this, with such unwavering belief in who I could be, rather than what I'd done.

Ethan hesitated for a moment, as if considering his next words carefully. "I care about you, Mason," he said finally, his voice trembling slightly. "More than I've cared about anyone in a long time. And... I want to be there for you, through all of this. I want to help you heal, to be someone you can lean on."

My breath caught in my throat as I realized where he was going with this.

Ethan took a deep breath, his hand slipping down to hold mine. "Mason, would you... would you be my boyfriend?"

The question hung in the air between us, filled with hope and vulnerability. I stared at him, my mind reeling. A part of me wanted to say yes immediately, to throw myself into his arms and accept the happiness he was offering. But another part of me, the part still riddled with self-doubt and fear, held back.

"I... I don't know if I deserve you," I whispered, my voice shaky. "I'm so messed up, Ethan. I don't want to drag you down with me."

Ethan squeezed my hand, his eyes never leaving mine. "Mason, you don't have to be perfect. None of us are. We all have our scars, our pasts. But that doesn't mean we don't deserve love, or happiness. I want to be with you, not in spite of your past, but because I care about who you are right now, and who you can become."

Tears welled up in my eyes again, but this time they weren't tears of pain. They were tears of gratitude, of relief, of something I hadn't allowed myself to feel in a long time: hope.

"I want that too," I whispered, my voice breaking. "I want to be with you, Ethan."

Ethan's face lit up with a smile so genuine, so full of warmth, that it made my heart soar. He leaned in and kissed me again, this time with more certainty, more promise. When we finally pulled apart, I rested my forehead against his, both of us breathing heavily, but with a sense of peace that I hadn't felt in a long time.