Submerge

C O M P E N S A T E

The days after Ethan and I became official felt strangely light, as if some of the weight I had been carrying around for so long had finally started to lift. We talked daily, sometimes about nothing in particular, other times diving deep into conversations that left me feeling exposed yet understood. It was like a new world was opening up, one where I didn't have to hide so much of myself.

One evening, we were lying on Ethan's bed, our legs tangled together as we talked. The room was filled with the soft glow of a bedside lamp, casting a warm light over us. We had been joking about something inconsequential when the conversation took a turn, as it often did these days, toward something deeper.

"You know," Ethan started, his voice soft, "I always knew you were a champion swimmer, but you never really talk about it. What was it like? Do you miss it?"

The question caught me off guard, and I felt a pang of something—nostalgia, maybe—deep in my chest. Swimming was a part of me that I had buried, along with everything else that came crashing down in my life. But Ethan's question pulled at that thread, unraveling memories I hadn't allowed myself to revisit in a long time.

"Yeah, I miss it" I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper. "I miss it a lot."

Ethan propped himself up on one elbow, his eyes focused on me. "Tell me about it," he urged gently. "I want to know everything."

I took a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts. "It was... everything to me," I began, staring up at the ceiling as I spoke. "When I was in the water, nothing else mattered. It was like all the noise in my head just... disappeared. I felt free. I felt like I could breathe."

Ethan nodded, his expression serious, encouraging me to continue.

"I started swimming when I was a kid," I went on. "At first, it was just something to do, you know? But then I realized I was actually good at it. Really good. I started competing, winning races, breaking records. I became known as the 'water prodigy' or whatever. But it was more than just winning for me. It was the only place where I felt like I was enough, where I could be myself without all the... crap weighing me down."

"That sounds incredible," Ethan said softly, his thumb tracing gentle circles on the back of my hand.

"It was," I agreed, a small smile tugging at my lips. "But it also became... intense. The pressure to be perfect, to never fail... it was a lot. But I kept going because I loved it. I loved the feeling of gliding through the water, the adrenaline of a close race, the way everything else faded away when I was in the pool."

I paused, swallowing the lump that had formed in my throat. "But then... everything happened.  Emma... the drugs. I couldn't keep it up. I couldn't keep pretending that everything was okay. So I stopped. I gave it all up. I haven't had the courage to been in a pool since."

Ethan's hand tightened around mine. "You don't have to go back to that pressure, Mas, but maybe... maybe one day you can swim again, just for yourself. Not for anyone else. Just for you."

His words hit me hard, and I felt tears prickling at the corners of my eyes. "I don't know if I can," I admitted, my voice breaking. "I don't know if I deserve to."

Ethan shook his head, his eyes full of determination. "You do deserve it, Mason. You deserve to find that peace again, that place where you felt free. And I'll be here, every step of the way, if you want to try."

The sincerity in his voice broke something open inside me, and I felt the tears spill over, running down my cheeks. "I want to," I whispered, my voice shaking. "I want to so badly, but I'm scared. I'm scared of failing again, of not being able to live up to what I was."

Ethan pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around me, holding me as I cried. "It's okay to be scared," he murmured against my hair. "But you're not alone. We'll take it one step at a time, and whatever happens, you'll still be the incredible person you are now. You don't have to be perfect, Mason. You just have to be you."

We stayed like that for a while, wrapped in each other's arms, the steady rhythm of Ethan's heartbeat soothing the storm of emotions swirling inside me.

Eventually, I pulled back slightly, wiping at my tear-streaked face with the back of my hand. Ethan's gaze never wavered; his eyes full of a compassion that made my chest ache with something I couldn't quite name.

"Thank you," I murmured, my voice still thick with emotion. "For being here. For... understanding."

I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. "Maybe... maybe I can try," I said softly, almost as if I was afraid the words might vanish if I said them too loudly. "Not today, but one day. Maybe I can try to swim again. Just to feel that peace, like you said."

As we lay there, the heaviness of our conversation starting to dissipate, Ethan suddenly broke the silence with a soft chuckle. I turned my head to look at him, my eyebrows raised in curiosity.

"What's so funny?" I asked, wiping the last of the tears from my cheeks.

Ethan grinned at me, his eyes sparkling with a mischievous glint. "You know, I think I've seen more of your tears than your smile since i met you."

I blinked, caught off guard by the unexpected joke. "Oh, really?" I said, a small smile starting to tug at the corners of my mouth despite myself.

"Yeah," he continued, his tone light and teasing. "I mean, don't get me wrong—I'm totally here for the emotional support thing, but I'm starting to think you owe me a few more smiles to even things out."

I let out a laugh, the sound surprising both of us. It felt good—better than I expected—to laugh, to let go of some of the tension that had been building up inside me.

"Well, I guess I'll have to work on that," I said, my smile widening as I looked into Ethan's eyes. "Wouldn't want you to think I'm all tears and no smiles."

Ethan grinned back, his expression full of warmth and affection. "That's the spirit. I'm just saying, your smile's pretty amazing, and I wouldn't mind seeing it a bit more often."

"Well," I started, biting my lip as I looked at him through my lashes, "if I owe you smiles, then maybe... I could compensate with something else too."

Ethan raised an eyebrow, curiosity piqued. "Oh? And what did you have in mind?"

I leaned in closer, close enough that I could see the way his breath hitched just slightly. "How about... kisses? You know, to make up for all the tears."

For a moment, Ethan just stared at me, and I worried that maybe I'd gone too far, or that I'd somehow misread the situation. But then, a slow, playful smile spread across his face, and I felt my heart do a little flip.

"Kisses as compensation, huh?" he mused, his voice low and teasing. "I think that's a deal I can get behind."

Before I could respond, Ethan closed the small gap between us, his lips meeting mine in a soft, gentle kiss that sent a wave of warmth flooding through me. It was slow, sweet, and full of the affection we'd been building up between us. When he pulled back, just enough to look me in the eyes, there was a new lightness in his expression that matched the fluttering in my chest.

"I think you might have to keep compensating me for a while," he murmured, his voice full of affection and just a hint of mischief.

I laughed softly, feeling more at ease than I had in ages. "I think I can handle that," I replied, leaning in to press another kiss to his lips, savoring the way it made both of us smile against each other.