The Religious & The Damaged

15

Elias

  I'm sitting in the courtyard with my friends, but I don't participate in any of the conversations.

  My mind is too occupied with the upsetting phone call with my dad and with what I was about to do to myself, and how much I wanted to do it right now.

  It would be nice, but I remember the guilt I always seem to feel afterwards and that makes me not want to.

  I need a serious reset.

  "Hey," I interrupt whatever conversation is happening, and all eyes are on me. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'll see you guys later."

  I stand, and Nick speaks out. "You good, man?" He asks.

  I nod. "Yeah."

  I turn away from him and make my way into the school and down the hall towards the bathroom.

  I want to go home, as much as I've been hating my dad when I was there—I miss him, and I want him to get better.

  But I can't take care of him. I'm the child, not him and I guess, I just want him to prove himself to me.

  If he does this, it'll show me that he still cares about me and maybe, we can build some form of relationship after this.

  I push open the door, and I walk over to the sink. I turn on the cold water and lift my sleeves before I splash water against my face, and I take a deep breath.

  Everything will work itself out.

  I pull at my sleeve and drag it across my face in an effort to dry my face, then I wipe my hands on my jeans.

  I look into the mirror as the door behind me opens, and I meet eyes with Joseph.

  He looks surprised as he pauses at the door, his hand flat against the door to hold it open. I turn.

  "Hey." I say, forcing a gentle smile on my lips.

  "..Hey."

  His eyes fall, and I follow his gaze to my opposite sleeve that's still far up my arm, and I'm quick to pull it down.

  "Are.. you okay?" He asks, a small hint of hesitation in his voice.

  "Yeah, I'm fine." I say, and I don't necessarily know if it's true or not.

  I feel fine, just fine. But I wish to be better.

  "..Does it hurt?" I look up at him, and my eyes widen. Then, so does his. "That's- I'm sorry.."

  "No, I.."

  I take a deep breath as I mentally prepare myself to talk about this again.

  It'll be the second time I talk about this with Joseph, but I'll never actually get use to it.

  "No." I say. "It doesn't hurt, not- not anymore." He looks down and nods. "Why do you ask?" I ask.

  He shrugs. "I don't know." He claims, but I don't pry.