Sins of the Rebels (Lush Trans Series #1)

Kabanata 7

I wrote the courses for the second semester starting next week on my daily planner notebook:

-Building and enhancing new literacies across the curriculum.

-Curriculum and assessment for physical education and health education.

-Research 1.

-Applied motor control and learning of exercise, sports and dance.

-Coordinated school health program.

-World literature.

-Environmental science.

"Ganda ng penmanship, ah?" Puna ni Serena na pinapanood ang ginagawa ko. I clearly remembered their reaction when they found out that I was almost molested by Sir Avellana. I couldn't keep it a secret for too long, I just waited for my mind to be at peace. Lalo pa at sa tuwing may mga lalaking lumalapit sa akin o hinahawakan ako ay bigla akong natataranta at nababahala.

Napapansin nila 'yon at nagugulohan sila sa akin kung bakit ganun nalang ang reaksyon ko. Vienne kept her mouth shut, siya kasi ang unang naka-alam. She respected me and waited for me to tell the rest of our friends the reason, hindi niya ako pinangunahan. Hirap na hirap akong deadmahin ang nangyari. Ang hirap... kalimutan.

Paano kung hindi naka-balik agad si Eros? Ano na kaya ang ginawa sa akin ni... Sir Avellana?

I trusted him too much...

"Mas maganda ako, loka ka."

"Bitch..." Ngiwi niya bago hinawi ang kanyang bangs.

"Huwag umimik ang walang pasalubong," Tuya ko kaya tumalim ang mga mata niya. Umangat ang sulok ng labi ko. She minded her own business so I averted my eyes.

My eyesight concentrated on my planner. I remember feeling guilty for being okay with it while telling them, Serena cried because of anger and disappointment. Cleo and Seanie were left speechless and shocked. Vienne was there to support me emotionally. I understand them, I kept it a secret for too long.

For a month, I feel like I have lost all control over life. I feel like even the most basic decisions are difficult to make just to get that memory out of my mind and forget that situation. I feel invaded, I feel like everyone knows that I was almost molested by a teacher or can tell by just looking at me. I feel so afraid of everything and worry about carrying that fear for the rest of my life.

Sir Avellana might do the things he knew I would not have willingly done if we went inside the locker room, just... the two of us. That memory randomly hits me and I break down fucking randomly. Nandidiri rin ako sa sarili ko, I voluntarily went with him all because he said he had my phone. Naniwala ako sa kanya!

The details of what might happened are so painful to think about that I don't even want to admit to myself. The guilt of I should have done this and that and so it wouldn't have happened.

I should've said that he could just get my phone inside the locker room without me, going with him, since I was in a hurry because my last class was just about to start.

For a month, I couldn't look at a male, I was just forcing myself to socialize with... men. It was so sudden. They all felt like smiling monsters, even my male friends. I felt angry at any girl standing beside them. I always think that they are evil, they are just pretending to be nice and all that. The way it flips my mind in a completely unpredictable direction is very weird. It wasn't me.

And for a month, I was so broken and messed up inside, that it felt like I was permanently emotionally damaged. My entire filter of the world, myself, and human beings was flipped and in chaos. It was indeed my most traumatic experience, even if nothing happened...