Your Fault

Chapter 18 Nick

As I watched her go, I felt all the wrath I’d been holding back spilling over like lava from a volcano. I was so tired of all this shit… Raffaella’s words kept echoing in my head.
Your son is out of control, and I don’t want him anywhere near Noah.
I went to the kitchen and tried to calm down.
You’re violent, you get in fights… I cursed the moment I had decided to help Lion.
I’m not going to allow you to get my daughter involved in all that shit!
I was going to have to change if I wanted things with Noah to actually work. We were about to take a major step, a decisive one for our relationship, to show that we were actually serious. That was one reason I wanted her to come live with me, because no one seemed to take us seriously. Sometimes I felt like the few people who knew the truth were placing bets behind our backs about how long it would take us to break up, trying to guess how much pressure we could take.
I grabbed my phone off the counter.
I had a message from Jenna.
Lion’s OK. We need to talk. You know perfectly well I don’t believe a damn thing you both told me. I know you’re with Noah, but I need to see you. Call me when you can.
I knew this would happen. I also knew it was easy to lie to Jenna. I could make up any old bullshit, and she’d buy it—or she used to, but that might not work this time. Lion was on shaky ground, and I couldn’t just leave him hanging. Jenna needed to know he was in trouble.
I sent her a message telling her we could meet up in an hour and got into the shower. I felt good remembering how Noah had worried about me, taken care of me, suffered when she saw I was wounded… No one had ever made me feel that way before. My father used to get pissed off when I showed up with marks from fighting, and he usually wouldn’t say a word to me till I’d healed. That was probably one of the reasons I got into that kind of trouble, to piss Dad off and keep him off my back.
I got out of the shower, dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, took a pain pill, and walked out the door. Noah’s old car was parked outside.
Her mother had made her go with them. I didn’t even want to imagine what they were saying about me… My stomach ached. I couldn’t stand them trying to get in her head like that. My biggest fear was that Noah would end up giving in to her mother, seeing me as someone she shouldn’t be with.
Another message from Jenna came through.
I’m almost there.
A few minutes later, I was parking at a Starbucks near the mall, fifteen minutes from my apartment.
When I saw Jenna through the window, sitting on one of the sofas inside, I knew I should be very careful how I said everything to her. When I went inside, I could see the vehemence in her eyes. I sat down in front of her, trying not to wince, but not a single gesture of mine was going to escape her that day.
“Y’all are a couple of fucking idiots, you know that, right?” she said, setting her green tea Frappuccino or whatever that green drink was down on the table.
“I don’t know why that surprises you all of a sudden,” I replied. I wasn’t happy with the situation at all. I didn’t want her to go on thinking I was the same Nick as a year ago. I had changed, or so I wanted to believe.
Her boyfriend, though, was the same dickhead as always.
“You honestly want me to believe this all happened over a fucking poker game?” she said, leaving me mute for a few seconds. Poker? What the hell was she talking about? “Especially knowing how badly you both play… Nicholas! You have got to stay away from the gangs!”
So Lion had fed her a line of bullshit…great.
“Look, Jenna, I’ve had a very bad day, okay?” I didn’t want to lose my cool then, and I certainly didn’t want to take it out on her. “Lion’s a big boy.
He knows what he’s doing. He’s worried about money, he’s worried about the garage, and he’s worried about you.” I looked at the ground as I spoke.
“He’s going to realize sooner or later what’s right for him. In the meantime, you need to give him space. It’s not easy to just turn your back on that life.
You know the races are just around the corner, too, and that’s got all of us feeling edgy… Lion will figure it out.”
“Races? I thought we were past that this year, Nicholas.”
Shit! I shouldn’t have said anything, dammit!
“We are, but what I mean is the guys are on edge, so like…it just happened that we got in a little fight yesterday, and it turned out worse than we’d thought. It’s nothing for you to worry about, though.”
She looked at me leery-eyed, but she seemed to accept my explanation.
Then she looked around, as though realizing someone or something was out of place.
“Where’s Noah?”
“Not with me, as you can see,” I said with irritation.
Looking more serious than before, she asked, “What did you do?”
I laughed bitterly. “So you just take it for granted that I’m the one who’s done something?”
Jenna’s expression told me Noah’s mother wasn’t the only one who thought I was bad for her. And Jenna usually took my side.
“Did she see your face? If so, she must be a wreck. It seems like you’ll never understand, Nicholas…” She paused for a moment, as if the sight of me had some kind of effect on her, but not enough to keep her from gathering her strength to continue: “If you go on like this, she’ll wind up leaving you.”
“Shut up.”
She didn’t seem to like that response, but she went on. “Noah’s my best friend, and over the course of this year, she’s told me things you might not even know. Either way, violence is something she just can’t deal with. Your face, your wounds…you know perfectly well what kind of memories they call up for her.”
“Goddammit, this isn’t something I planned, okay?”
“Nicholas, get a damn grip!” she replied, raising her voice. “Noah is not okay. She has nightmares. Recently my brother shot me with one of those toy bullets, and it gave me a black eye, and when Noah saw me, she freaked out, thinking someone had hit me. She slept in my bed that night.
You should have seen how she was tossing and turning; something must have really gotten to her because she never stays the night with me.”
I shook my head. “I’ve slept with her a million times. She sleeps like a baby. That’s all in your head. Noah’s fine.”
I could feel the blood boiling in my veins. I hadn’t gone there to listen to this shit. Nothing was wrong with Noah. My wounds had upset her, I knew that. Dammit, that was why I hadn’t gone to get her from the airport;
that’s why I had planned not to see her for several days, to spare her the sight of me in that condition. But Noah didn’t have nightmares, that much I knew. Jenna was the one who should be worrying about her boyfriend: Lion was selling drugs, but Jenna couldn’t get it through her head that her life and Lion’s were totally incompatible.
I got up before I said something I’d regret.
“I may have my problems with Noah, but don’t forget about yours and Lion’s. If I were you, I’d stop sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong and worry about my own relationship.”
“My boyfriend is the way he is because of you.”
I blew out all the air I’d been holding in. “Fuck you, Jenna,” I said and left.

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After an hour driving aimlessly, thinking about all Jenna had said, all that Noah’s mom had said…I reached the conclusion that I needed to ignore them. I couldn’t expect any different from the people around me. I’d created that image of myself, and it wasn’t going to be easy to change. It was almost impossible for anyone to take me seriously. But even if Noah still didn’t trust me, I knew she thought I could improve. Noah loved me. She was in love with me. I knew she didn’t think like Jenna or her mother and that she would never say to me the things they had. I’d shown her I could do better.
I parked next to the beach and walked along the shore as the sun lowered over the horizon. There were people out walking their dogs and occasional couples enjoying the solitude. I let the sound of the waves ease my mind, let my fears and insecurities in relation to Noah go back to the place where I kept them well hidden.
A while later, when I thought my emotions were under control, my phone rang. I picked up without even looking, assuming it would be Noah.
But I heard silence on the other line, followed a few seconds later by “hello, Nicholas.”
It couldn’t be. Of all the people.
“What the hell do you want, and why are you calling my cell phone?”
“I’m your mother, and I need to talk to you.”
Madison appeared in my mind, and I stopped with my heart in my throat. “Did something happen to my sister?”
“No, no, Maddie’s fine,” Anabel said.
“Then we don’t have anything to talk about,” I replied, ready to hang up.
“Wait, Nicholas!”
“What the hell do you want?” I repeated.
After a few seconds, she said, “I want to talk to you. Just for an hour.
We can have a coffee. There are lots of things that have never been cleared up, and I can’t let you go on living your life hating me the way you do.”
“I hate you because you abandoned me. There’s nothing more to say.” I hung up before I could hear her reaction.
All the rage inside me started surging forth again. My mother was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I was the way I was because of her. My relationship with Noah would have been totally different if I’d had a decent model to follow. I’d have known how to treat women, how to trust them. Anabel Grason had nothing to say that I needed to hear. But now she supposedly wanted to see me?
The tension of that past month, the insecurity, the fights, the sorrow, the solitude I’d felt without Noah, the knowledge that I’d disappointed her, not being at the airport when she wanted me there, it was all just too much for me. I ran and ran down the beach until I couldn’t think anymore.

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               End of Chapter 18