Your Fault

Chapter 38 Nick

I grabbed my keys, left the apartment, and slammed my door on the way out. Nothing. There was nothing of hers there: no suitcases, no clothes, not even the little things she usually left behind when she spent the night. I was getting heated, not just because of her absence, but also because she’d ignored all my calls. It had been three hours since I’d last heard from her, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to call her mom to make sure she was okay.
Something told me I’d better leave her out because if my suspicions were right… “What party?” I shouted into the phone, waiting for her to tell me exactly where she was.
“Can you just calm down?” she answered, and I heard her walking away from the deafening music.
Calm down? “I’ll calm down when I see you and you tell me what the hell’s actually going on,” I said as I got in the car and started it up.
“I don’t think I want to tell you where I am.”
I froze. Was this a fucking joke?
“Noah, tell me where you are,” I asked, feigning calm.
The music was barely audible now, and I could hear her breathing.
“I already did. I’m at a party.”
“Give me an address, a street.”
She sighed and a second later told me where I could find her.
I had a bad feeling about all that, but I still hoped when I showed up, she would calm my fears. I’d come home early, ready to give her a surprise, take her out to dinner, make up for those days we hadn’t been together. But instead, I’d found the house empty apart from the flowers I’d sent, which were wilting on the table.
I arrived quickly, turning a corner to find her standing there. She was leaning on her car with her arms crossed over her chest. She sat up when she saw me and looked at me nervously. I parked in front of her and got out.
I took a deep breath, trying to calm down. Now that I saw her and knew she was safe and sound, I could relax a little bit.
I tried not to let her know I’d been longing to see her again ever since the moment I left. Instead, I just walked over, observing her coolly. She said nothing, but I could tell my silence was bothering her.
“Let’s go,” I said, turning on my heel before I’d even touched her. “I’m in the mood for a hot chocolate.”
“Wait, what?” she asked.
I opened the passenger door, waiting for her to come over.
“I guess you’ve got a lot to tell me, and I’m not going to do it outside while you’re freezing your half-drunk ass off.”
I was trying to control myself, trying with all my might not to give in to the temptation to explode, but seeing her there tipsy, incredibly attractive, and alone angered me far more than I was willing to admit.
Noah stumbled over. I closed the door once she got in and walked around to the driver’s side. I cranked up the heat, tore off, and looked for a twenty-four-hour coffee shop. I’d made up that thing about the hot chocolate just to get her off the street. She was shivering; I don’t know if it was the cold or the fact she was hiding something from me, but either way, I was now seeing all those ignored calls in a different light.
“Nicholas…I want to go home,” she said when she noticed I’d skipped our exit.
“I thought you liked hot chocolate,” I said, turning right onto a side street.
I could tell she was staring at me.
“Stop acting like nothing’s up,” she said. “I can tell you’re pissed. So drop the act.”
“What would I have to be pissed off about? The fact that you’ve barely picked up the phone since I went to San Francisco? We both know you love to drive me crazy, so I just hope this isn’t some weird way of punishing me for leaving.”
She writhed in her seat, uncomfortable, but I tried not to show my irritation as I kept driving.
The road was almost empty… That was to be expected after 2:00 a.m.
If anyone had asked me earlier what I thought I’d be doing at that time, it would have been anything but this, and I sure as hell wouldn’t have guessed I’d have Noah in the car trying to get as far away from me as her seat would permit.
I parked in front of a run-down diner. Even before I’d stopped the car, Noah was getting out and walking toward the front door. I couldn’t help comparing her with Sophia. Noah was as strong-willed as I was, and knowing I was the one in the right this time, she couldn’t control herself. I walked in behind her and sat down at the place she’d chosen: a small corner table that looked out toward the interstate.
She stared down at the table. She didn’t seem in the mood to talk.
When the waitress came over, I ordered a hot chocolate for me and a coffee for her. I was trying to calm the waters because it was weird not to be covering her in kisses after four days apart, but my suppressed anger and whatever she was hiding from me stood between us like an uncrossable sea.
When she made no sign that she was about to speak, I decided to go first.
No more games.
“Where’s your stuff?”
She looked up at me with those honey-colored eyes. She’d put on makeup, and her mile-long eyelashes were casting a strange shadow over her high cheekbones. Her pink lips opened hesitantly, but before she could answer, the waitress returned with our order.
Noah cupped the warm coffee in her hands. I waited.
“Are you going to answer?” I finally said.
She took a few more seconds, then said, barely audible, “I got in a fight with my mother.”
I leaned back and waited for her to continue. She looked back up at me, and I could tell it took everything she had in her not to cry. I tensed, but I didn’t try to push her.
“I’m not going to come live with you, Nick,” she said finally.
I waited for an explanation, and when it didn’t come, I asked, “Noah, what are you trying to tell me?”
“My mother told me I had to choose between her paying for my school or me going to live with you, and I…” “You didn’t choose me.” I finished the sentence for her.
“I tried, okay? I told my mother I didn’t care, I said I was going to go live with you, but I can’t, Nicholas…” I shook my head. I’d had enough of this shit. “At least we know what your priorities are.”
I got up, and Noah did the same. I threw a twenty on the table, turned around, and walked out.
“Nicholas, wait!” I did, but only because I knew I couldn’t leave her there. “What did you want me to do? I don’t have money like you. I can’t pay for my school. I don’t have a scholarship…” This was ridiculous. I turned around.
“Don’t give me that shit, Noah!” I shouted. There was no one out there, nothing else to hear except the cars roaring down the interstate and the blasting wind. “You know perfectly well this has nothing to do with your mother. She wouldn’t come between you and your studies… The problem is you’re incapable of facing up to her. There are lots of other options. But no, you walked out without even talking to me!”
She shook her head. “I know her, Nicholas. She’s decided she won’t stop until you and I break up, and I won’t let her win, but I’m also not going to destroy my future over a rushed decision. Living together can wait!”
“I don’t want to wait!” I shouted, losing control. “I want you to be with me, Noah. Not with your mother, not with my father, not with some friend.
I want us to finally be a real adult couple that makes decisions together without our parents getting in the middle of it. I want you with me. I want you in my bed every night, every morning… If you’re with me, I want you to be with me and no one else.”
Her eyes widened. “That’s why you want me at your apartment?” she asked incredulously, now shouting as loudly as I was. “To watch over me?
What the hell kind of relationship is that, Nicholas?”
I brought my hands to my head. This was the last thing I’d expected.
Finally, things were going right, finally we would be together without anyone coming between us, and now everything was just like before, but worse. Noah wouldn’t even be at my dad’s house anymore; she’d be on campus, surrounded by a bunch of assholes, where campus rape was a fact of life.
“If you won’t trust me, there’s no point in us being together,” she declared. Her voice broke on this last word. I walked toward her and held her by the shoulders.
“This isn’t about you,” I said, hating the part of myself I was revealing, cursing my weakness. “When you’re not with me, I think of the worst things. I can’t control my imagination. It’s something that’s just inside me, and I didn’t realize it until recently. It happens to me because I love you.
The last person I loved as much as you I hate now, I always will, and I have this problem—I can’t help thinking of what she did to me.”
I couldn’t believe I’d finally said that.
“Nicholas, I’m not your mother. I’m not going anywhere.”
The image of my mother leaving invaded my mind. I had never trusted another woman again since. I’d sworn to myself that I would never let anyone in, that I would never again fall in love, that I didn’t even believe in love, not after seeing the relationship between my parents. But now I had Noah… I couldn’t avoid fearing she’d treat me the same. She was mine. I couldn’t lose her. I couldn’t stand it.
“You left my home,” I whispered, kissing her.
She didn’t move. I guess she was waiting for me to say or do something. I took my hands off her shoulders and stood back.
“I don’t know how we’re going to solve this.”

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                    End Of Chapter 38