Your Fault

Chapter 12 Nick

I took them to the airport. My father said his goodbyes at the house because he had work to take care of. I wasn’t at all amused to have to spend my last hour with Noah with her mother in the back seat of the car, but once again, I just had to deal with it. The whole trip pissed me off, I’d made that evident, but there was nothing I could do.
I glanced at Noah, who was sitting there quiet and pensive. She had insisted on bringing the stupid cat along and was petting him as she stared absently out the window. I reached out, grabbed her hand, and guided it back over toward the gearshift. I felt a hole in my chest. I hated it! For Christ’s sake, it was just a month—it wasn’t that big a deal! Since when had I turned so fucking dependent?
I had to get a grip. I couldn’t be going crazy like this just because I couldn’t see her for a month. I needed to clear my head. That separation would be a test to see how we could deal with being apart. When she saw I was staring at her, she smiled, but I could see the sorrow in her eyes.
Her mother, on the other hand, had a huge grin on her face. Sher couldn’t have been more pleased. Why did she not mind being away from her husband for a month? I didn’t get it, and unconsciously I found myself squeezing Noah’s hand even tighter.
When we reached LAX, I parked and got the suitcases out while Raffaella went for a cart. Noah edged over and kissed me on the lips.
“What are you doing?” I asked, trying to sound amused, even if I wasn’t.
“Just getting a kiss in before Mom comes back.” Did that mean she wouldn’t kiss me in front of her mom when we were inside?
I didn’t know, but I kept the thought to myself, knowing that for my part, I would kiss her wherever and whenever I wanted.
A half hour later, we’d checked their bags, and Raffaella was agitating to get to their gate. It was still an hour till boarding. Honestly, she was exasperating.
“Mom, you go ahead. I need to be alone with Nicholas for a little bit before I leave,” Noah said. Her mother’s only answer was a furrowed brow.
She looked at me, at Noah, and at the cat. Her way of doing it made me feel suddenly protective. After all, that was our cat.
At last, she said goodbye to me and walked off, leaving us alone.
I wrapped an arm around Noah’s shoulder and pulled her close, kissing the top of her head while we walked at a snail’s pace toward security.
“I shouldn’t feel so sad, Nick,” she confessed.
It was true, dammit! We shouldn’t be so depressed. It was a month… There were couples that didn’t see each other for a whole year. I didn’t want Noah to leave feeling sad. I didn’t want her to suffer, especially not over something that was supposed to make her happy. I reproached myself for trying so hard to get her to stay. If I’d been supportive of that trip from the beginning, maybe she wouldn’t be so down right now and wouldn’t have that sorrow in her eyes.
“Don’t be, Freckles,” I said, pulling her into my chest. N meowed. He wasn’t enjoying being squeezed between the two of us. “What I meant to say was that Spain is nice and warm, and the Eiffel Tower’s beautiful.
You’ll love it.” She smiled when I said this. “I’ll see you when you get back. I’ll be waiting for you with this little creature.” I nodded toward N.
“Nicholas, please take care of him, don’t even joke about forgetting to feed him, and don’t give him alcohol, please,” she said.
“I just did that once. It was wine, and anyway, the cat loved it,” I replied.
She hugged him close to her once more, then passed him to me, saying, “Here, take him.” I held him up with one hand, while the other cupped Noah’s chin as I kissed her.
“I love you,” I said, savoring her lips for the last time in a month.
“I love you more,” she said.
I watched her leave, and my stomach was in knots. Her long hair in that ponytail hanging down from the top of her head, her legs in those tight shorts…she was going to catch the eye of every guy she came across. I tried to put the thought out of my mind. Now it was just N and me.

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As soon as I got back home, I felt down. I dropped the cat; he could go entertain himself while I looked through the apartment with longing. I had no idea what I was going to do for those four weeks without her. I knew my life had changed in a way I could never imagine. I couldn’t even remember what it felt like to be single, without anyone at my side. It was like I could only see my past through a blurry lens, as if Noah had marked a definitive break.
The apartment was impeccable. Noah was no neat freak, but the day before she left, she got a little hysterical and had to make sure every single thing was where it was supposed to be. That wasn’t like her; she only did it when she was really stressed. That was something I had figured out in recent months.
It made me nervous knowing she was a thousand miles away, flying across the country to New York, where she had a layover before continuing to Italy. I’d never had a fear of flying, and I’d caught more planes than I could even count, but now that Noah was up there…I was surprised how horrible images of disasters flooded my mind. I saw the plane malfunctioning, plunging into the water, getting highjacked… The possibilities were infinite, and there was nothing I could do to calm that anxiety in the middle of my chest.
Five hours later, my phone rang, waking me. I hadn’t even realized I’d fallen asleep. I woke up disoriented and unsettled.
“Nick?” she said on the other line.
“Are you there?” I asked, trying to focus.
“Yeah, we’re at JFK. It’s huge. I’m so sad we can’t stop here and go into the city. It must be incredible.” Noah sounded happy, and that helped my mood a bit, even if I did miss her.
“I’m calling dibs on New York,” I said, and she chuckled.
“What?” I could hear a racket around her. I could imagine men in suits with rolling bags heading into the city that never sleeps, mothers with irritating snot-nosed kids, the woman coming over the speakers calling out to people about to miss their flights… “I’m saying I want to be the one who shows you New York. That’s what I meant.” I got up off the sofa and walked to the kitchen sink.
“Promise me we’ll come here together, Nick. In wintertime, when there’s snow,” she exclaimed. The idea must have excited her.
I smiled like a dummy imagining me and Noah together in New York, walking the streets, stopping at the cafés… We’d have hot chocolate, and I’d take her to the Empire State Building, and when we got to the top, I’d kiss her until we were both out of breath.
“I promise, babe,” I whispered.
I heard someone calling Noah from far away. It had to be her mom.
“Nick, I gotta go,” she said hurriedly. “I’ll call you once we’re in Italy.
I love you!”
Before I could respond, she hung up.