Newly Broke Heroine!

Ch. 1: Motherflipping Taxes, Man

The day was cool and refreshing, the birds were chirping, the morning sun was creeping high into the sky, and Fiona Swiftheart noted only one thing out of place on her way to the palace:

A lack of celebration and merrymaking.

She had to stop herself and examine the normal bustle of activity outside the kingdom palace, where people came and went on business, and to the adjoining office suites. The building was three floors of fancy granite and marble, stained glass windows, and arcane tapestries fluttering in the wind. The tapestries showed off the emblem of the crown, and a steel-colored griffin with lazy animations on the colorful blue fabric.

The usual chrome-domed knights that stood vigil on the grounds were standing there lazily by the entryway. One of them was leaning on his halberd, like he'd been out hitting the tavern a little too hard, and made a sound like a backed up washing machine, and was holding his head with his free hand. Other than that, it looked like a normal day at the steel-lined doors to the palace of King Greybeard.

"Hey, Greg? Did we get the day wrong? Am I early?" Fiona asked her assistant, who could not stop scribbling in his notebook. He peered up from the paper, a flash of puppy dog brown eyes and light brown hair cleanly cut to medium length, and looking remarkably average. "I mean, It's Fiersday, right?"

"It's Fiersday, Fiona," he sighed. "I, too, am noting a lack of 'partying' going on here."

"That's okay, we can fix that! I went and beat up a giant dragon lord, stole his stuff, and ended a war! Oh, and I made a dragon cry. That has to be some cosmic-level event!" she declared with a gleeful smile, and took a deep breath while clasping her hands to her chest. She was currently covered in silver and gold armor that fit her elven shape nicely, with greaves and gauntlets to match. "Maybe the guild got here early, and they're throwing a gala inside!"

"Or maybe, they forgot?" Greg proposed with a raised eyebrow. He kept peering up at the windows as if noticing something she did not. Her pointy ears twitched at his suggestion.

"C'mon, Greg, I went and beat the dragon lord! I saved Fiefdala from an army of cute, adorable little kobolds and their overgrown big brother, pain in the butt dragon. Kind of funny, how that group of plushie rejects gave Greybeard so much trouble, but whatever! Time to get some loot, and show the adventurers guild had his back!" she cackled while rubbing her hands together. But, fashion first. She tucked her wavy red hair behind her long ears–it was always getting so frizzy. "Man, the boys at the guild never thought a lithe elf girl could pull this off, or slay a bunch of monsters, but I proved 'em wrong!"

"Your exploits are known," he said drolly. "Actually, you don't advertise it much. You should do that more."

"Like, a lot?"

"No, in moderation," he replied with a hint of a crease to his lips. His gaze wandered to the gold scepter with a black crystal embedded in the holster sitting on her back. "Um, that infernal thing is whispering again."

"Eh, just ignore it! The stupid dragon probably listened to it in his quest to take over the kingdom, and look how that turned out for him! I just love saying I got his magic stick!" she added while skipping along. "Doug, the evil dragon, lived iiin the swaaamp... and frolicked in the brackish wastes, in a land called Sukitup! Little kobold minions loved that silly drake, and brought him tissues and chocolates, and other coping plates!"

"Please, not again," Greg groaned audibly. "You have sung that infectious tune for the past two days. We understand you are enthusiastic over this victory."

"I totally am!" she declared triumphantly while puffing out her chest, and waved at the guards as she walked by. They didn't even ask for her ID. They simply waved her through–she was on a first-name basis with Greybeard now, and everyone knew her here now! "I do feel a bit sad, though. I put all those big-eyed kobolds out of work! I mean, should I have given them a job in the adventurer's guild–"