Pink Skies | BakuDeku

20

That night, when you asked if everything was okay, I lied. I didn't want you to know, didn't want you to see what I'd done. I've been cutting again, and I'm so ashamed, Izuku. I thought I could hide it, thought I could keep it from you, but it's been eating me up inside.

When we were together that night, all I could think about was how I didn't want you to notice, didn't want you to see the new marks on my skin. I didn't want you to worry, didn't want to ruin the moment, so I tried to push it all down, tried to focus on you and just be in the moment with you. But it was there, in the back of my mind, gnawing at me, making it impossible to fully let go.

I know you could tell something was off. You always know when I'm not okay, even when I'm trying my hardest to hide it. But I was scared, Izuku—scared that if you saw what I'd done, you'd look at me differently. Scared that you'd see how weak I really am, how much I'm struggling. So I lied. I told you I was fine, that it was just stress or exhaustion, anything but the truth.

But the truth is, I'm not fine. I've been fighting this darkness, and sometimes it gets the best of me. I hate that I've hurt myself again, and I hate even more that I kept it from you. You deserve better than that, better than someone who can't even be honest about what they're going through.

I'm sorry for lying to you, for not letting you in when you've always been there for me. I didn't want to ruin that moment with my own issues, but I realize now that by keeping it from you, I only made things worse. You deserve the truth, even when it's ugly, even when it's something I'm ashamed of.

Goodbye for now, but I promise I'll try to be more honest with you, no matter how hard it is. You deserve that, Izuku.

Katsuki

...

The remainder of the drive home stretched longer than any marathon Izuku had ever endured, silence between them heavier than a thousand unspoken apologies. He glanced at Katsuki several times in the rearview mirror, heart twisting at the sight of his slumped shoulders and downturned lips. Katsuki's hands restlessly picked at the hem of his borrowed hoodie, fingers trembling ever so slightly. What happened? Izuku berated himself silently. One moment they were lost in each other's arms, and the next, his world crumbled like paper drenched in rain. He parked the car with shakier hands than when he was fifteen and had just gotten his learner's permit. Unbuckling himself, he turned around to face Katsuki directly.

"Kacchan," he began hesitantly, voice soft as he reached out a tentative hand, stopping midway when Katsuki flinched involuntarily. Izuku's chest tightened, guilt clawing at him like sharp talons. He pulled back immediately, hands clasping together tightly in his lap instead. "What's wrong?" Concern etched itself deep within his eyes, genuine worry coloring every syllable spoken.

Katsuki didn't look at him, gaze fixated outside the fogged up window. Raindrops raced each other down the glass pane, mirroring the unspoken words trapped between them. "Nothing," he replied curtly after a tense moment. His tone, however, contradicted his words, laced with unspoken turmoil that threatened to flood the silence.

Izuku bit his lip, debating whether to press further or give him space. But he couldn't just leave it like this. Not when Katsuki looked like he could shatter into a million pieces any second. He took a deep breath, steeling himself against whatever storm might come his way. "If...if you don't want to talk about it now, I understand," he said gently, "But please...please tell me later?" He swallowed hard, pushing aside the nagging fear that this might be something he wouldn't want to hear. Katsuki's happiness mattered more than his own insecurities.

Katsuki remained silent, jaw clenched tightly as he continued staring out the window. Izuku's heart ached at the sight, but he knew pushing Katsuki when he was like this would only drive the wedge between them deeper. Gathering his courage, Izuku reached out once more, resting a hesitant hand on Katsuki's tense shoulder. "I...I'm sorry for earlier. I didn't mean to upset you." The words left his lips in a whisper, regret coating each syllable like morning dew on leaves. He didn't know what exactly he was apologizing for, but the atmosphere in the car demanded contrition from someone, and he'd rather it be him than let this uncomfortable silence fester longer.

Katsuki didn't react at first, body rigid under his touch. Then, with a defeated sigh, he slumped forward, forehead resting heavily against the cool windowpane. Izuku's fingers curled reflexively, wanting to pull him into a comforting embrace but hesitating due to the palpable wall of sadness surrounding him. Instead, he settled for rubbing soothing circles on Katsuki's back, offering silent comfort until the tension eased slightly. Finally, Katsuki spoke, voice muffled by fabric and glass. "It's not you, Deku." The confession left Izuku even more confused, but he didn't press further, recognizing the exhaustion lacing his boyfriend's tone.

"Let's just...let's go inside." He nodded, understanding clear in his eyes despite the whirlpool of unanswered questions swirling in his mind. He carefully climbed out of the car, making sure not to jostle Katsuki too much in the process. Once outside, umbrella shielding them both from the relentless downpour, he opened the passenger door and offered a hand. "Come on, let's get you dry and warm." Katsuki accepted silently, eyes avoiding his as he climbed out of the car.

Together, they trudged through the rain towards Izuku's apartment, drenched in both the evening shower and the heaviness of unspoken words.