Recesses of the Heart

10 ⚠️

⚠️Sensitive Content is in this chapter. Content includes topics of PTSD, pain, and other emotional issues⚠️
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I was able to head back to my guest room after a couple of days at the infirmary but Lan Zhan's request to have me come move in with him was actually accepted. He must have asked his father or something. Lan Zhan said there was more to it but he'll tell me once I see in at his place.

Currently, Shijie was helping me get my things ready so I can head over. Our things were in a Qiankun pouch so it was small and we could put anything in it.

"I will make sure that you and Jiang Cheng are safe before I head over. I have talismans made for you both in case someone else tries to do something dumb," I told her.

"We will be fine, just take care of yourself," Shijie said handing me my pouch, "plus, it's not like we won't be seeing. You are just moving rooms."

I smiled at her, "true," I said, "and I should get going then."

"Wuji, you be careful okay," shijie said as she walked me to the door.

"I will," I said before heading out.

I met up with Lan Zhan for breakfast first before he brought me to the Jingshi. I settled in and then sat at the table for a bit. I couldn't help but remember feeling the pain of those knives piercing my skin. Back then, I do remember a lot of the pain I went through. Each sacrifice I made, I felt as if I lost a piece of myself. The abuse I endured under Shijie and Jiang Cheng's parents. Tortured by one and manipulated by the other. The massacre of their sect, I lost control of myself. I gave up my golden core for Jiang Cheng so he could run the sect.

When I took upon learning resentment, I lost my mind, I lost heat, I lost family. I was hurt so much. This time, no one knows who I really am other than Lan Zhan. Those stabs I recently took, I felt I lost something again. How much more do I have to lose before I no longer recognize myself?

"Wei Ying?" Lan Zhan called for me. I looked at him, "I have wards over the place so we can talk and everything is private."

"I appreciate it," I said, "can I ask you something?"

"Mnn," he nodded.

"Everything that happened, do you think you lost pieces of yourself because of it?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" He asked confused.

"I noticed that with every tragic event that has happened to me, I felt as if I lost a piece of myself. It makes me question if I am even Wei Ying anymore. I am taking on a fake name just so I can live a bit safer this time, and I was already attacked once. I was threatened once and I was attacked. I traveled time and I didn't have a golden core so I had to become immortal and I cannot die. I feel pain, I bleed, I heal, but the pain still lingers," I explained.

"Wei Ying, I still see you as the same person, but if you believe that you feel hurt, you have a right to," he told me.

I nodded and some tears fell from my eyes, "and what do I do if I have to face the world alone again someday?"

"You won't," Lan Zhan said, "I will not let you go alone."

"You'd be immortal like me, you'd be the same way, and people around you will die, people who care for you and you won't be able to do anything about it," I told him.

"I know," he said, "People die everyday. I know the consequences of the change. You are the only one I am not willing to lose."

"Why do you want to help me now?" I asked.

"I wasn't nice to you back then. I wish I understood you a bit better, and I wish I wasn't so repressed on rules," he said.

"We may not have been close, but I know you prove yourself more through actions than words," I said.

"I should have been there for you more. Perhaps I could have been more helpful then," he told me.

"Lan Zhan, you have your own priorities and a sect," I said, "you have your own responsibilities. There isn't anything you could have done anyway."

"By being there for you at least," He said, "or making sure I kept our promise. I should have went with you when you broke the those Wen's out of that labor camp. I am sorry."

"You had your own way of doing things...the way I see it, you felt that you had to do what you did," I said, "I guess it was the same for me. Even if others wanted me dead."

He nodded, and then changed the subject, "Father said if you are well enough, we can go look for the Yin Iron," he said, "He just wants to be informed when we leave."

"We can leave in a couple days. I am basically already packed so it's you who needs to get everything you need. Since we know where to find the metal, we don't need to take the one you have out of the cold cave," I said.

He nodded, "Father said the same," he said, "will you be alright to travel?"

"I am all healed...well physically," I said, "did he say anything about you going to see Baoshan?"

"He said it was fine," Lan Zhan said, "so maybe we should bring the iron. You wanted to give them to her right"

I nodded, "Yeah, I think she might know how to dispose of them better...what about the sword?"

"We killed Xuanwu before, we can do it again," Lan Zhan said.

"Perhaps we can take a small detour and visit Baoshan first, I have some things back at her place that could be of help," I said.

"Okay, so are you okay to leave in three days? It gives us time to get the iron and for me to get things packed...even some emergency supplies," he suggested.

"Sounds good to me,"  I said and pulled out a talisman and wrote a letter to Baoshan informing her we will be seeing her soon.