we meet again? | B.E

seven

three weeks have gone by with billie 'taking care' of me. three. three weeks of torture, and to say a bitch is suffering is an understatement.

i couldn't bring myself to look at billie, partially because i'd start staring, and partially because i felt like i made her do this and i'm holding her hostage, even if i've told her to leave multiple times and she just won't.

i made sure i'd sleep at the end of the bed, with a good foot of distance between us, but it would never last because i'd wake up with her all over me, every night without fail.

zoe and the rest of my friends had come by multiple times, my mom would about twice a week, finneas and claudia would come by once a week as well. i hadn't actually left the house, i've only gone into the backyard.

i was doing so much better now, i feel a lot lighter. there's less heaviness on my chest, and it's only there because billie won't put any distance between us.

i know that she's very affectionate, which i wouldn't have minded if i didn't have a massive crush on her. so avoiding her was difficult, as usual.

and like, i don't wanna be delusional or anything but i swear, on the rare occasion that i did look at her, i'd catch her blushing. and she'd look at me a little different, i don't know how but i can feel it.

right now, it was around 4 pm, and i was sitting outside watching the dogs play. billie came outside and sat beside me. i scooted away the smallest bit because her whole arm was touching mine.

she sighed, "eve, i'm going home." she said, "why?" i asked, was she getting sick of me? probably, i'm really annoying. did i do something or was she just bored?

this is what you wanted, wasn't it, evie? not really.

i'd gotten so used to her that this would probably set back my progress a little. "see, you aren't even listening to me" she mumbled.

"what? i didn't hear you, sorry" i said. she huffed, "i was just saying how you won't look at me, you won't talk to me, nothing. i feel like shit because i don't wanna leave you here alone but i can't be here if you're ignoring and avoiding me." she said.

i nodded, i don't know what to say. 'sorry?' i'm not really though, that's worse than the truth. 'go, i don't want you here anyway?' that's really mean, i don't want to hurt her feelings more than i already have. 'go, you're better off without me?' she is, but that sounds like i'm seeking attention. 'i'm practically in love with you and if i look at you i'll start tweaking?' yeah definitely not.

"oh" i said, stupidly. she groaned, "billie, i don't know what you want me to say" i mumbled.

"anything! say anything! talk to me, i don't know. maybe explain why you won't even look at me? what did i do?" she said, pulling her knees up to her chest and putting her face in her hands.

"i don't- i can't" i replied. i'm so fucking dumb. she drew a shaky breath, "you can't, or you won't?" she asked. well she fucking got me there. "i can't" i repeated. she sighed and rolled her eyes, then wiped them.

she was crying? because of me? i can't do this, not now, not ever. suffering in silence has been my thing forever, and now that she wouldn't let me, i've grown used to it. what am i gonna do when she's not here?

it's not that i don't want to talk to her, i just can't. my body won't let me, the proper words wouldn't even form.

she stood up, "bye, evie." she mumbled, then went back inside. and i sat there like a fucking idiot with stupid crocodile tears running down my cheeks. why am i even crying, this is my fault.