we meet again? | B.E

fourteen

nine days. it's been nine days since i've seen billie's face or heard her voice. to say it's been rough is an understatement. i think that today has to have been the worst of all.

yesterday, eli, dani, noah and izzy had all come for a visit. they'd ended up yelling at me about billie. today, theo and my mom payed me a visit to do the exact same thing. that hurt the most.

they had to understand that i was doing this for her benefit. the only thing getting me through the day was the thought that she would be doing better.

but doubt swirled in my mind. what if she wasn't doing better? what if she was doing just as bad as i was right now? that, i could not live with.

it's been in my mind for days now but i'd only worked up the courage to message her two days ago. i've been on read since, rightfully so. i just needed to know that she's fine and then i can move on and we don't need to speak again if that's what she wants. but she won't tell me. claudia wouldn't tell me. not even finneas would give the littlest hint about his sister's well being.

i'd begged and begged, only to be given nothing. which makes sense i guess. so i've been lying to myself and ignoring the feeling in my gut, telling myself that she was okay.

i sat on the bathroom floor, scratching my arms. not with a blade, i haven't relapsed yet. i'm actually really proud of myself but that isn't the point at all. the point is that i've probably ruined billies life and i can't even help it because nobody will talk to me.

only theo and my mom will respond to my messages, begrudgingly. it sounds bad but i know that i fucked up really badly and that i deserve this. i was so itchy, everywhere. i don't know why, i'd showered until my skin was red, scratched until it was raw, but i knew what would really help me. only, she wasn't here to do so. because i'd pushed her away.

i went downstairs and passed the living room. i've watched every single one of my favourite movies over and over and not one of them even eased the tightness in my chest. i went into the kitchen and realized that i've forgotten to eat at all today.

i pondered for a moment before deciding on just a slice of bread, i have no energy to make anything else. taking care of the dogs and thinking about billie seem to be the only things that i haven't forgotten to do.

i don't even know how it happened, but i'd put my shoes on and made my way outside. it was pouring heavy rain, the droplets felt massive against the top of my head. i was itching so bad it was irritating me to the point of tears, scratching wasn't helping anything.

i walked and walked until i found myself in front of a familiar house. my chest was so tight it felt suffocating. i made my way up the porch steps and prayed over and over again that she'd forgive me and at least give me a side hug. i'd even settle for a hand on my shoulder.

i knocked, holding my breath. once the door opened, a sob of relief escaped my lips and it looked like she stopped breathing for a moment. she looked okay, beautiful, tired, but okay nonetheless. i soaked up what i could of her appearance before she could decide what to do with me. she had bags under her eyes and her skin looked a little paler, but she looked fine.

or at least not as bad as me.

she moved to close the door on me, but i held my hand in front of it. the words left my mouth faster than i could even blink, "i love you, i'm sorry" i mumbled, she paused. she smiled softly for half a moment, but it was gone before i could really register it. her eyes welled up, hurt flashing in them. she sighed, "if you did, we wouldn't be in this situation." she told me sternly.

another sob escaped me. "i do, i do" i said, she sighed once more before closing the door. with a huff, i made my way over and sat on the porch steps, crying as quietly as i could. 'she's okay' were the only words repeating in my head. maybe if i think of them enough, i could bring myself to leave. but i could not.

i felt the physical need to be close to her, like a hand dragging me by the heart towards her. i could sit outside forever as long as she was close to me, even if it meant sitting on her porch like a creep.

i'm not sure what time it was, all i know is that hours had passed and that the sun was beginning to set. i didn't bring my phone with me. i heard the door open and billie's voice followed. "evie, why are you still here?" she asked softly, i turned around to glance at her. she looked almost the same as earlier, but her face was a little red and blotchy now.

i scratched my arm vigorously. i got up, scratching my neck now, and began to make my way down the stairs to go back home. "eve, come here." she said, not leaving room for me to argue. my heart rate quickened as i made my way in front of the door. she grabbed my wrist and dragged me inside, closing the door.

just like that, the itchiness had disappeared. she turned me to face her, and rested both hands on my cheeks as she examined my face. she wiped the last of my tears and looked down at my arms, they were red from being scratched so roughly.

"what happened here, baby?" she asked gently, lifting my arm up and looking at it more closely. "i- i was itchy" i told her, my voice hoarse. i hadn't used it in days. she frowned and let out a small huff.

just then, shark came bolting towards us. he jumped up, nearly knocking me over.

he barked and wagged his tail wildly. i bent down and petted him all over, cooing. he barked again, "i missed you too, sharky" i squealed.

seeing him this excited made me happy, at least somebody was glad to see me. eventually he got bored and sauntered off somewhere else.

i stood back up and looked at billie. she had a small smile on her face, but it was gone in less than a moment.