Hope to Love

Chapter 37 - Shattered Hearts!

Avni

"You're digging one hole after the other for yourself." Mihika glares at my bag, confusing me.

I follow her gaze and find my rum bottle peeking out of the open bag. I quickly push it deeper inside my bag, zipping my bag.

I usually avoid joining my friends in canteen for this very reason.

They never stop reminding me of the mistakes I'm making by smoking at least two cigarettes almost daily or drinking with Gaurav and his friends occasionally when the pain becomes unbearable or entertaining any guy who's interested in me.

To be honest even I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Everything seems dull and suffocating.

I'm just trying to find out a way to survive without Abhimanyu.

Without Abhimanyu, it feels like a part of me is dead. And the remaining half is desperate to die, but I can't; I've promised a lot of people that I'll not do it again.

The last five months were nothing but a torture. I rarely see him, and whenever I do, he's always with Amy. While Amy gives me triumphant look, Abhimanyu simply ignores me.

Abhimanyu only gives me the time of the day when some or the other boy is with me or I'm smoking at the back gate. It's the only time I get some reaction from him.

And I still crave for that bit of his attention.

Even after all this time, I can't help but message Abhimanyu, begging him to take me back. I have stopped getting any reply from him since the day he caught me smoking with Gaurav. I'm sure he has blocked me.

The nightmares are back along with the panic attacks when emotions overwhelm me. Only Gaurav knows about my panic attacks, and I'm grateful for that.

I'm keeping my schedule busy to keep Abhimanyu's memories and thoughts away. With the extra classes of my Foundation course, I only come to the college on Mondays and Saturdays.

"Any advice of what to do or not to?" I ask her, sipping the hot coffee.

The nonchalant attitude is boon which came with all the mistakes. I can't steep any low than I already have. So why even care what anyone thinks?

I hate myself, so of course, I understand if my friends hate me or are disgusted with me too.

"For starters, get rid of the horny guys around you." Rudra growls.

I chuckle, and spiders crawl over my skin as Varun one of Gaurav's friend rubs circles on my thigh. "I got addicted to orgasms, thanks to your friend."

I had tried to get intimate with Varun in hope to move on, but it only made me ashamed and disgusted with myself.

I slap his hand away from my thigh, disgusted with myself. I almost give myself scratches every fucking day, trying to rub his touch off my body.

I'm tired with everything going on. I want to break things off with Varun, but he's my shield in front of the world. With him around, I am not the miserable Avni.

"He doesn't have anything on Abby. But something is better than nothing, right Avni?" Chirag smirks.

"You're spoiling your life. Please don't do this." Nirvaan says softly.

"Life." I scoff, tired with my pathetic existence. "What life is not meant for enjoying, Nirvaan?"

Varun places his hand again on my thighs, and I take a deep breath to keep my disgust in check. But he moves his hand up my thigh, and I glare at him.