Cycle of Seasons

Winter

Another morning in the Gargoyle household. I stare at my phone, the ear slicing noise of my alarm going off every five minutes. It's eight-thirty. I hoped my mom would've woken up by herself by now to wake my brothers for school, you'd think since she's been clean for two years all that motherly responsiblity that you used to carry would fall off. Well not if you live the life i do, somehow my responsibilties have only grown. I yawn and sit straight in my bed, as i rub my eyes and get used to the blurry suroundings of my room. I stand up and step on the gaps of my floor in between the clothes and other shit I threw onto my floor. I walk into my moms room and wake my mother and brother. "Mom, wake up its eight-thirty. Jaeden get ready for school". Now comes the worst part. Waking up Jeremy. He can be such a sweet kid, but from all the years he's spend on the streets, it's kinda hard to stay sweet. I walk into his room and shake him. "Jeremy wake up, you have to go to school". "I don't want to". "You have to". That's all i say to wake him up, it's best to keep out of the shit that's about to go down. What goes down every morning in my house. I go back to my room and start getting ready for school, well if getting dressed and laying in bed 'til it's eight, waiting 'til the last minute to pack my bag, grab my shit, put on my shoes etc. is what 'getting ready for school' means, then yeah, sure. I'm getting ready for fucking school. Since when did getting ready become a chore? When did school become a fucking chore, it's getting harder and harder to do this routine every morning. I'm actually contemplating dropping out. I obviously won't because i can't end up like my parents and sisters, i wanna get out of this house someday, make something of myself. I really wanna be a singer, a writer. Shit, it's eight, i have ten minutes before i have to leave. I hurry upstairs and grab all my shit. I feel my stomach growling, begging for food. No more time left to eat breakfast or make lunch for school. Not that i would if there was enough time, our fridge smells like a cheese factory and all our dishes are dirty, if their was a prize for house that kills appetite as soon as you walk in, i'd have 5 of them. I run out the door and make the tiresome walk to school, talking to myself. For some reason talking to myself makes my life more bearable. I almost reach the part of the walk to school where my heart starts pounding in my chest. I wish i could walk to school, or walk home without having to be scared of kids calling after me. What the fuck do they even want from me, i'm just a normal teenage girl that expresses herself differently then most people in school. But as soon as you show different patterns in expressing yourself, people hate you. Keep to yourself, and don't stand out. That's the only way you get through high-school easily. But even when you try to become a basic copy of everyone else, you stand out once before, that's the person they'll forever see you as. But who the fuck cares right? I'd rather stand out and come to school with my heart pounding in my chest then ever have to hold back who i am again. I sit down in the canteen, sighing and struggling to keep my eyes open. Maybe i should start sleeping more then 5 hours a night. The night is the only time i have to myself, even though i feel really lonely in the night. 

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The bell rings so i'm waiting for my friends to come out from their classes. I got held back and they didn't so classes become longer and unbearable. Not to mention, really lonely. Maybe that's why i stay awake at night, so that the morning and undeniable fact that school makes me feel lonely comes closer. My first couple of friends come out, Mavis Carcass and Lacy Biding. I've known Mavis since eight grade, i started talking to her during P.E. because her only friend at that time, Ethan Gursoye, which is also my good friend now, wasn't at school for weeks. We hit it off, even though i spend some break times under the staircase with my twilight novel after that, i started sitting with them more often. We became close friends after that. In tenth grade our little friend group split up, me and Ethan got almost all our classes together, and Mavis, we had no classes with. Except for biology. Ethan and Mavis had biology together. During one of Mavis' classes she met, Lacy Biding  and Freya Leaveson. They started sitting with us at lunch and we became a tight group of friends. Some other kids used to be in that group, but i'd rather not speak of them. As Mavis and Lacy sit down with me and spark conversation, my eyes can't be peeled away from the door, waiting for Freya and Ethan to come out. I feel jealous when i see all them walking together, seeing them go to their classes without me makes me feel lonely. It's not their fault i got held back, hell it's barely my fault too, but still. It hurts. Finally Ethan and Freya come out and sit with us, i don't know why but as soon as we're all together the air feels cold, maybe even tense. I can't handle this environment. Makes me feel sick and jumpy, which causes my fight or flight mode to spark up. All of a sudden everything bothers me, Ethan touching me, Lacy's whining about whatever her daddy doesn't wanna buy her that week. Maybe it's the borderline moodswings, but i can't help but feel guilty. Guilty about the fact that everything they do angers me all of a sudden. I can't wait for this day to be over.

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As i'm walking home, those vaping, 'i'm to cool for school' bitches call after me again. I can't help but roll my eyes at them. Am i their inside joke? Do they really not have anything better to do? I mean what do the names they call me even mean? If they're gonna turn me into an inside joke, atleast make it funny. A joke without contents isn't funny. I spend half of my way home rewinding back to the moment they called me names. Whatever. As i eventually reach home, put the key into the key hole and turn the key, i'm hoping, praying even for a quiet afternoon. I'm atheïst. Well clearly, because my prayers weren't answered. The second i step into my house, sit down on the couch, and let put a breath, hell breaks loose. it's like they're doing it on purpose. As it settles down i run upstairs, mentally preparing myself to do all my homework, and even worse, catch up on all of the stuff i missed when i was 'sick'. That's a day in my life. Wake up, get ready, play mother, feel anxious and lonely while also trying not to flip out on my friends, go home, breathe my way through the fights going on around me, do homework, go to bed, repeat. And people wonder why i'm bitter. Quoting after one of my favourite artists, Chappell Roan.