Cycle of Seasons

Autumn

Life feels cold, but in a warm and comforting kind of way. I dont really know what type of person i am, and you know why? I've been so many people, played so many roles, that I have lost pieces of my identity in every roll I played. Which led up to me being the person I am. And I hate who I am. I do the wrong things, and i make the wrong choices. And I hate that i do what I do, and I hate the choices that i make, and I hate that i make up reasons in my head, and pretend to make the things that i do, and the choices that i make happen for a better reason, then they actually do. I'm holding up a fucking picture so that I don't have to look in the mirror. And I hate that bout myself. I hate that this is who I am, and there is no denying it. And to comfort myself from the guilt that's gnawing on my bones, I tell myself, "this all wouldn't be happening if I didn't have mental issues to begin with". Which might be partially true, but let's face it, at the end of the day I make my own decisions, and even if mental health plays a role in that, I am the one who makes these decisions, and I am smart enough to dissect right from wrong.

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I'm sitting in class, minding my own business, but still very aware of my surroundings. I try not to make too much noise, or make too many movements, because I'm scared that whatever I'll do, they'll think is weird. Why do I even care what they think of me? As soon as that bell rings they'll forget all about me and go to their homes, figure their own shit out or whatever the fuck they do in their free time. And like I said, the bell rings and they all hurry out of the classroom, I am no longer a phenomenon that strikes their fancy. Luckily, it's lunch time. I get to spend break time with my friends, even though sometimes, I feel like they're not my friends at all. I feel out of place with them, the pieces don't fit like they used to. I try not to think about it too much, because they're my friends and I love them. I'm sure this is just another thing that's in my head. I'm sure my friends still like me. At least that's what I tell myself to feel better. (I hate myself for the things I do, the choices I make, and the things I say). I can't stop thinking, and it angers me, and all of a sudden, everything angers me. Again. I wish I could just disappear, you know? Not live the life that I do. But that's just another thing I have to ask Santa for, cause only a wish that unlikely to come true, is worth asking a magical, all powerful being. I even prayed on it, when I did belief, but what good did that do me?