Cycle of Seasons

Colour inside the lines

Weekend has finally arrived. It felt like forever. Although it is finally weekend, and i waited for what feels like eternity for weekend to come, it might feel even lonelier then school does. 

I'm listening to my playlist while i am drawing a picture of a landscape. I suck at drawing without an example infront of me showing me where every detail goes, and where every piece of the picture is supposed to be. I sigh and decide to drop the drawing and just lay back for a moment. 

My eyes shoot open and i grab my phone anxiously, checking the date and time. That's what i hate about sleeping during the day, i always wake up paranoid, not knowing where i am, or when i am. And it's even worse when i wake up and the entire house is quiet. This house is never quiet. I've been sick the past couple days so as soon as i see the messy room and drink cartons i know exactly where i am. My nose is still burning and running, and so are my eyes. I hate that i woke up in the middle of the night, because i know for sure no one is awake now. I am not scared of the dark. Not at all, i'm just scared of being alone, feeling alone. And the silence and darkness make me feel lost, even though i am perfectly safe in my bed, the thought of having to wait hours for sounds of people, being around people, freaks me out. And honestly, i can't even really wrap my head around why. Because even when i am around people, i still feel lonely, and i still feel lost. It feels as if i have lost touch on the only sense of reality i had, and i am just a lost soul wandering a reality that looks like mine, but isn't and doesn't feel like mine either. "Colour inside the lines, Jane, or else you'll ruin the entire colouring book" my mom always used to say. It was her way of keeping me in line. I was one of the only kids that listened to her, and understood her. But the second i didn't colour inside the lines anymore she.... ignored me? I don't understand, how, why? We were so close and now we weren't. So, i started colouring outside the lines more often, to try and provoke her, and one day. She snapped. But i wasn't afraid of fighting back anymore. And that is where our entire relationships shattered to pieces, because i didn't colour inside the lines. Is what it felt like atleast. But she says it wasn't like that. She said it was because she didn't want me to make more mistakes then the ones i had already been through. But instead of telling me that, she ignored me. She was my everything. I wanted her attention even if it meant provoking her in a negative way. I just wanted the relationship we used to have, i just wanted my mommy. I still needed her. But obviously she didn't need me anymore, so i went against her. What used to be an unbreakable bond between me and my mother, was now nothing more than a memory. And i hated that memory. Not because i genuinley hated it. No. Because i was jealous. Jealous of what we used to have, which is now just nothing. We were nothing. 

I do everything. For the people i care for. Everything. And i know, they would do everything for me too. But sometimes knowing that doesn't cut it, because it doesn't feel like that. And i know i haven't always been the best daughter, or the best sister, or the best friend. But no one. No one. Can tell me that i woulndn't do everything for the people around me. Mavis went through her first heartbreak. I was there. I texted her almost everyday, asking her how she was doing, i even texted her family to see how they and she was doing. I almost got into a fight with my mom, because i wanted to pick her up from work and bike home with her because i knew she wanted that, and i went against my mom because i would do that for her. Lacy had some complications, so she didn't have her stuff at her dads house, nor did she have dinner, and i was prepared to get her dinner, order her dinner, go to her moms house and get her her stuff, and i would've, it was only that Lacy said that her dad was gonna take care of it that i didn't do it. Our friends, talked bad about Freya's boyfriend, only because they don't approve of his actions, and i stood up for her, stood up for him. Even though i didn't know him. But that is the kind of friend i am. I might make mistakes, and i might make the wrong choices, but i'll make a 45 minute bike to take you home from work, and i'll do whatever it takes for you to have the stuff you need, and i will defend your name in a room that you are not in even if those are the last words i speak, because that is the kind of friend i am, and i know these kids deserve. But it feels like as soon as i do something wrong, or make the wrong decision, they hold it against me. And they say they don't, which probably is right. But i can't help but feel like it is so. That it is the way i am feeling it, and they are holding it against me. And yes, i have made bad choices, and did bad things, really bad. But i am only human, and i will do everything i can to fix what i have done, and even if i do, i feel like they still hold it against me. Maybe it is because of the way i was brought up, the environment, maybe it was because they did hold it against me. Maybe even both. Hell, i don't care what it is. But i also know they would not do half of the things that i do for them, for me. And even if they say they do, it will always feel like they won't. And i can't help but feel this way. So yeah, i make bad decisions sometimes, and the wrong choices, but we all do, because we are human. And i am not the best person, maybe, but i would do everything for the people in my life, despite the mistakes i have made, i would do everything for my friends and family. Because that is who i am, and who they deserve. So sometimes, i colour outside of the lines, but we all fucking do and people have no right to hold my mistakes against me if they make just as much mistakes as me.

Well, that is another thing i am gonna have to keep to myself, because God forbid i talk about how people make me feel. Then I am the bad guy. And i don't wanna be the bad guy anymore.

So i'll colour inside the lines, and when there's a mistake, i fix it, all so that i can please others and uphold the standards they have for me.