Cycle of Seasons

fuck the seasons

(start of the actual story)

I don't wanna live in the past...

I wake up on a tired monday morning. I try to get used to my surroundings, which, is pretty difficult. No one talks about the uneasy feeling in your body from waking up from like five hours of sleep. My vision is blurry, which is because i am not wearing my glasses, yet. I decide to wake my mom and siblings first. I decided to sleep in an extra half hour so now we're all waking up together. Like a real family. I stumble back to my room, the different colours and spots covering my vision from the low iron, and the dizziness make it harder to keep standing straight. I take a moment to compose myself before I stumble into my room and plop down on my bed. I should start getting ready aswell. As i'm getting dressed i can hear the ruckus going on downstairs. Can't atleast one morning go smoothly? I gather all my stuff quickly before i hurry to school. Which is weird, in a way. Because school used to be the place i'd go to hide away from all the shadows casted over the place that's supposed to be my home. But now, school feels just as lonely as home. The second i sit down in the canteen, i feel my eyelids getting heavier, so i decide to look around for my friends. I see Mavis and Lacy, thank god for their stupid school schedule. "hey guys!". Mavis turns around and looks at me, her face lighting up, which i think is really sweet. They really do love me, no matter how much it feels like they dont. "Hey Jane!". Lacy also smiles upon seeing me, she starts rambling on about her classes that day, but it doesn't take long for the conversation to switch to how she thinks her make up looks ugly, or her hair sits weird. I think she is really beautiful, it's a shame she can't see how beautiful her soul is. It angers me that she doesn't stop talking about it, so i tell her she looks fine, trying my best to keep my cool. Why am i so angry? "What classes do you guys have now?". I ask to switch topics. "Chemistry and Physics". Mavis tells me. "I'm so not looking forward to physics, i hate that teacher". Lacy says. I thought she liked that teacher? Whatever. The bell rings and it's time to go our seperate ways. I'm used to going my own way with Mavis and Lacy. But with Ethan and Freya it's still a bit hard. We used to have almost all our classes together, and now we have none. I wish i could rewind time and undo all the choices i had made, undo everything that happened the past half year. As i'm sitting in Geography, one of the most boring classes i have, i dont know why i even chose this subject, one of the guidance counselors at school, Farah, i dont know her last name, pulls me out of class. My eyes are on my book and the board, taking notes from the boring and tiring way this woman speaks about the subjects we need to know, when i hear my voice being calles. "Excuse me, i am sorry to interrupt, but would you mind if i borrow Jane for a second?". My eyes perk up and i look up from my book. "Do i have to bring my stuff?". I ask her, which she spends a second thinking about. "Yes, you can bring them, i don't know how long this is gonna take. Shit. When they say shit like that you just know they're gonna interrogate you, asking you how you've been over summer break, if everything is still alright at home, and if i need any help at all. If i needed help i would've asked for it.... Okay maybe not, but that's not the point. I keep asking myself, inside my head, thinking "what is it she wants to talk about?", "I haven't missed any days of school, atleast i haven's skipped any days of school without the school knowing where i am". Before i can dig for more reasons why she pulled me out of class, we have already reached her office. Before i can even sit my ass down in a chair she asks me, "How have you been?". "Good." I lie. She doesn't need to know i can't handle my emotions and that i'm basically rotting inside. I saw a tiktok of a doll captioned with "such a pretty doll, too bad she has mold growing all over herself underneath her dress". I don't think the person that posted this meant anything with this, they just wanted to put this out. But i couldn't help but feel a bit comforted by that, because that was exactly how i felt. "that's good, and how is everything at home?". She asks me. "Good, better then before." I have learned if you just lie, and tell them what they wanna hear in a believable story, they'll leave you alone. She starts asking me boring questions, about school, and what my plan is for test weeks, exams, what i wanna do after high school shit like that. Woman, i don't know. I don't know what i wanna do after high school, i have been too busy surviving the present and it's challenges that i haven't even thought about the fact that everything i am surviving, battling through now is building up to what is supposed to be my future. So excuse me if i don't know what i wanna do after high school, can i, for now, please just focus on getting through high school in the first place.

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I'm sitting in my room, doing home work and catching up with the study work i couldn't do during class. I sigh. It's so much more work then last year. Maybe it's because this year i am actually doing the work, opposed to what i did last year. At least i got another chance to do it over. Do it better. Some time passes and after endless hours of working and taking breaks, which was just me wasting an hour on my phone, i have finally done all my work. What now? Outside of my caring role, which i am not allowed to have any more according to cps because it's 'unhealthy', and school. I don't know who i am. I need reminders. Reminders that i have hobbies and interests i'm good at outside of being a carer and a student. I decide to open up my note book and write some useless poems. None of the shit i write is good unless i write it in an emotional state and the way i speak becomes a poem itself. I have no motivation to grab my art supplies. I dont have motivation to do anything, actually. So, yet again, i waste another half a day doing nothing. Absolutely nothing.