Cycle of Seasons

Escapism

TW: suicide, self harm, trauma mention

"So what are we gonna have for dinner?" Freya's voice sounds from behind me. It snaps me out of my thoughts and i turn around, I actually haven't thought about dinner all day. "Uhm, i am not sure, what do you want?" I ask. I genuinley don't have any idea on what to eat for dinner. All that has been going through my mind recently is the fact that im growing older, and school. I don't know why growing older bothers me so much, you'd think for a suicidal girl she wouldn't be afraid of growing older and the uninevitable fact of death that comes with that. But still. For some reason, that still scares me, and i don't know why, but dying as a teenager feels less worse then dying as an elder woman. Which is weird becau-. "I'm not sure what to eat for dinner either" Freya's words snap me from the whirlpool of thoughts in my mind, and get back on track with what should be my main focus. Dinner. We spend a good 10 to 15 minutes in the store before i tell her; "Do you wanna have hamburgers? It's easy, but also really good" The coldness  from the proteïn shakes i picked up for my mom earlier, is hitting against my hand, i switch the cold bottles to my other hand and realise that even in the short period of time it takes for Freya to answer, my mind has argued with itself over such a simple thing again already. "Yeah sure,  i  think we're not gonna think of anything else so" I smile. I'm relieved she said yes because the idea of cheeseburgers for dinner was already something my mind had accepted and thought was gonna happen, so if it wasn't gonna happen, I'd be completely thrown off the rails. As I am thinking about all this i realise how sad my thoughts really are. Because in the time me and Freya spent trying to find something for dinner, we've been joking, and laughing and messing around. It's weird how i radiate such happiness and contentment on the outside while inside i am rotting away, a hollow being with only her thoughts to fill the void, and silence that awful feeling that's gnawing on all she is worth. 

We reach her house and we almost immediatley start working on dinner. I am operating the stove and i let Freya heat the hamburger buns. I only work the stove because I genuinley really like cooking, and making dinner, and frankly i don't want anyone else to do it. When i am given the oppurtunity to cook in a house where i dont have to clear the counter from molding dishes, and old food, i take it immediatley. My house killed the ability to cook so quite frankly also killed the enjoyment i used to get from it. She starts cutting up some vegetables and makes a joke about how i can't operate the knife and cutting board because of my history with cutting. We laugh about it but at the end of the day, it's not really funny, if you really think about it. But i'd rather her joke about it then treat me like i am a poor girl with a terrible coping mechanism who needs peoples pity. I'd rather laugh about it, then cry about it.

We finish eating, well, technically not because we didn't finish our dinner, which i think is a little sad, seeing as she spent money on this food. I'm quiet. I can't help it. Her father jokingly screamed before he left and it... scared me. It pulled me back to the moments that all their was was screaming and i was worrying about the safety of those around me. I was afraid, and immediatley pulled into my thoughts and all i could feel at that moment was immense fear and anxiety, and the only thought i thought was; "run, get out of there". Which i didn't because i knew i was safe, but it was still really scary to feel like that, to have a fight or flight mode triggered in that context again. I haven't felt like that in a very long time, and i hate that what i thought was gone is still lingering like scars that haunt my skin.

"I kinda want dessert" I say. Which i do, but is also a slick way to ask her if we can go to the store. My mom asked me to pick up some easy microwaveable dinner for my brothers, and i didn't feel like leaving early just to go to the store. 

We decided on an ice cream cake kind of situation. We were both a little tired and not in the mood for another discussion and search of something we could have for dessert. I grabbed some kit-kats aswell, along with the dinner for my little brothers. We go to her house and I stick some of the kit-kat bars into the ice cream. We eat it along with the iced coffee we bought earlier. We're both quiet, and not really talking, well we're talking more then we were earlier, but i think that's because it has come to the point of the evening where only the faintest bit of sun casts over the earth as the depths of the ocean seem to swallow it's being, and the moon rises, and the shadows and darkness swallow all the streets, all the houses, all the people, and everything is quiet. And as the moon casts darkness over town and swallows everything into its void, so does it pull every emotion from our bodies until we become the same empty and dark void that has been put over town and roams the streets. "I think it's time for the emo playlist" We have a joined "emo" playlist, where we put in all the songs that make us feel like life isn't worth living and sit in eachothers presence, soaking up one anothers self-loathing and agony. I named it "emo but in a mysterious way" because facing my emotions in a serious way makes me uncomfortable. I dont know how it happened but we end up laying on her floor beside the table, and after a while, to really set the mood, i turned the lights off, and not in a sexy way. More like a, "I want the room to relate to the same darkness i feel so that i can be comforted in what i can't see, because if i can't see it, i can't feel it, kinda way. We laugh, we sigh, and i think if i stayed a second longer we would've cried. Just like we did on her kitchen floor on an unfortunate tuesday in march. 

I am biking home, well i was until i realised the tire was flat. I still rode the bike for a bit until i decided to walk the end. I hated that loud noise, the streets were quiet, and i liked that. The quiet, latern lit streets which i can walk with music blasting in my headphones. Atleast i have my headphones, because silence is a lot less comfortable when you have to face it and feel it. So the loud frequencies in my left and right ear in my headphones from whatever song i have downloaded on my phone is way more comfortable, it makes me not have to think and just nod my head to the beat of the song and mouth the lyrics as i sing along to it in my head. Which is way less quiet than actual silence.

I got home and realised my sister came back after two days of being off the radar almost completely. After acknowledging her presence, I immediatley told my mom about the bike. When it happened i was angry but focussed more on getting home safely rather then the bike being broken, but now that i am home and have nothing to focus on beside the fact the bike broke down on me even though it was fine a couple hours ago, i realise how much it angers me from the way my voice gets louder and my hand movements get more dramatic and harsh as i speak. I decide to calm down, sit on the couch but after a while decide i want the comfort of my room. Because nothing feels better then your bed after another day of feeling every emotion that has been embedded into my soul over the years so deeply all at the same time.