The Virgin and the Whore

Chapter 29

Chapter 29

It was a strange experience to try to listen in class when you'd just realized that you liked the person sitting beside you.

It was an even weirder experience when the person you liked was Esther.

Because knowing this, understanding my feelings now wouldn't change anything.

The last thing Esther probably wanted was for me to fall for her.

Usually, when you figured out that you liked someone the next step would be to confess these feelings, see if they were reciprocated.

Esther had barely just started to not jump in her seat when I breathed a little too deeply beside her.

My feelings were my responsibility. She didn't have to deal with them. Dating anyone was probably at the very bottom of her list.

And she was clearly religious. That ought to affect how she would date even if she hadn't been recovering from her past.

Maybe she didn't even want to date anyone. Maybe she was saving herself for the Lord.

So, realizing that I liked her also meant realizing that unfortunately for me, knowing my own feelings couldn't amount to anything. Things between me and Esther had to stay the same.

Because she needed a friend. Not a dude that was actively pursuing her.

Was this how Blake had felt when he'd pined for Lexi? Because this was honestly unpleasant. And it had been a few minutes since I'd come to all of these realizations. Years of this? Unconceivable.

Esther was sitting right beside me, taking her notes, a hint of a smile on her face and I knew I liked her, but there was nothing I could do about it.

What a cruel joke the universe was playing on me.

How was I supposed to just sit there and listen to this lecture when I'd just had a life changing kind of epiphany?

Because I was pretty sure liking Esther was going mean more than just having a crush on the cute barista at Starbucks.

Even if I had very little experience when it came to feelings I understood this much.

It was so strange to have an explanation to so many little things I had thought were inconsequential.

Why I'd wanted to see her all the time. Why I was hung up on so many little details about her. Why I got so defensive anytime anyone brought her up.

I liked her.

She was sitting beside me, and I liked her.

I couldn't stare at her, or reach for her, but I was still sitting beside her and I liked her.

Our professor continued giving his lecture while I kept mentally freaking out, and Esther stayed blissfully unaware.

When the class was finally over, Esther and I started to pick up our stuff.

"So, did you want to go study?" she asked, her voice soft.

Did I want to study? Of course I wanted to go study with her. A couple of hours ago, I would have chalked up my automatic almost knee jerk response to that question because I was getting back into my studies, and because I wanted to prove to people I was taking school seriously. The truth was, sure I wanted to be a good student again, but what I really wanted was to spend even just one more minute in Esther's presence. I wanted to make sure she was okay and happy and I needed to have her in my line of sight for longer.

Because I was worried about her. Because I liked to look at her. Because I had issues.

In a different occasion, this would have me ecstatic, but I was starting to understand the Minnie Mouse beside me.