Dear Elise

Chapter 13

I don't want to get up.
How can I? I didn't think this kind of turmoil was possible.
Then again, I didn't think I could have a night that was, at the same time, the best and worst night of my life.
My maid's voices are a buzz around me, the usually comforting morning light oppressive, on my finally dry but aching eyes. I squeeze my eyelids closed, which is a mistake, because suddenly last night's memories come rushing back, drowning any hopes that it might just have been a dream.

Dreams aren't as vivid as this, and suddenly-

I remember last night, back in the halls.
Running desperately, disoriented and with tears clouding my vision, lost but avoiding the guards because I just- oh god, what did I just do?!
I broke the rules of the Selection, a crime punishable by death, and that thought alone encourages me to run faster, to get to my room as soon as possible.
Somehow I get there, and run in, slamming the door. My heart is racing, my breathing laboured, I can feel my hair falling out of it's pins-
My maids are staring at me.
Of course they're here, but why, why now?! I need to be alone, I can't be like this in front of them!
I rush to the bathroom and lock the door behind me, sinking down and burying my face in my hands. I can hear them calling out to me, telling me to come out, asking what's wrong, but I can't. And my breathing and heart rate should go back to normal soon, but-

They don't.
My heart is pounding so hard it feels like the beat of a massive drum is reverberating in my chest. Everything keeps spinning, and I tell myself don't worry, just breathe slowly, it'll be okay-
I stumble over to the mirror and stare at my own reflection. Watching the curve of my face, the redness of my cheeks and my hair gently falling down from the way my maids so meticulously styled it.
With a sigh of frustration, I pull the rest of the pins out, not caring if it hurts.
And then, finally looking at least half as messy as I feel, I sink to the bathroom floor and muffle my wails with a towel.

"Lady Elise, please!"
Sara's voice, interjected by Florence's occasional comforting comments, rings in my ears. I open my eyes to look up, and notice Sara practically in hysterics at the foot of my bed, Florence holding her, evidently trying to de-escalate the situation, and Beatrice poking my face in an attempt to- actually, I'm not sure how that was supposed to help, but as they were all panicking, I didn't question it.
Sara gasps, running over to me.
"Lady Elise? ...are you alright?!"
After a few mumbled reassurances my maids, considerably more calm, sit down on the edges of my bed as Florence explained what the situation had been from their perspective.

Last night, all they heard were sobs from the bathroom until, around midnight, I walked into my room in a daze and lay down to stare at the ceiling. I had been unresponsive, which explains why Beatrice was poking me- she was seeing if I'd react. And Sara, being my head maid, took it all as her own fault, which only made the rest of us feel terrible. We tried to stay calm while getting me out of yesterday's clothes and into fresh ones for today, for her.
I say tried, because as much as I hate crying, these women have grown strangely close to my heart in the short time that I've been here.
And their quiet comfort, their kindness in ignoring last night's events, is too much. So, after the other two have left, and Sara is putting the last pin in my hair, I start to cry.

I tell her everything.

From the warmth, the fluttering in my chest that I'd tried so hard to ignore, right up until... yesterday. It's the most dangerous thing I've done, admitting this, yet it feels so good that someone else knows, I just don't care.
By the end of it, we're both crying again, hugging each other tight.

"It's alright, Miss Elise. It's alright, we'll figure it all out..."
I can feel my entire body sag with relief at her words.
It's alright.
We'll figure it out.
Sara doesn't hate me.
Even better, she seems to understand.
I sigh, hugging her tight. It's a but awkward, since I haven't hugged many people this properly and besides, I'm sitting and she's standing-
I stand up to make it easier to hug her.
"Do you really mean it, Sara...?"
I feel her nod against my shoulder.
"Of course, Miss Elise. We're with you till the end, whenever that may be."

"Still, we shouldn't tell Florence and Bea."
I look at her, confused.
"But why not?"
She sighs before starting to speak again.
"While, in my opinion,there is nothing wrong with this..." She says, her tone careful and quiet.
"It is still best that not many people know. Such information is enough to have you both... punished very severely."
I shiver at the way she pauses before the words 'punished very severely'. Something tells me I don't want to find out what that means.
But for now, I have a new ally. So I smile and let Sara keep hugging me tightly, knowing that I would at least have a friend to help me navigate the battles that were to come.