My Heart Goes Giggity (QuagmireXBrian)

What Happened Next

Quagmire didn't get much sleep that night. He tossed and turned, trying to make sense of that note. Was it from one of Brian's old girlfriends? No, they all hated him. Was someone trolling him? Probably not, since they had been watching them since the party. Sunlight peaked in through the curtains and Quagmire got up. He decided to go to the smartest person he knew.

Unfortunately, the smartest person he knew was busy, so he went to Peter.

"Peter, I need your help." Quagmire said at the Clam, nervously rubbing his hands together. "Last night I got the strangest letter at my door..."

"Yeah I got a letter too. It was a noise complaint from all the sick tunes I've been blasting."

"Peter, this is serious! Whoever it is, they've been threatening me!"

"Threatening you? With what?" Peter asked.

Quagmire paused. He couldn't tell Peter about what happened with Brian! First off, the fatass would try to get his own cut of the money. But also, Quagmire couldn't let anyone know about his strange feelings towards Brian! Especially his best friend!

"Um... it was... it was a warning! It said I had to... uh... stay single?"

"Oh, well it sounds like someone has crush on you!"

Quagmire realized that Peter was going to be no help. But he didn't have time to sulk, he needed to meet up with Brian to discuss their latest plans to swindle that old woman. He gulped nervously as he entered the restaurant, spotting Brian sitting down already.

"Quagmire, over here!"

Quagmire took a seat across from Brian, noticing Stewie sitting next to him.

"You brought the baby?"

"I'm the closest thing he has to a responsible parent."

While Brian rambled about elaborate lies and horrible writing metaphors, Quagmire found his thoughts wandering. Hanging out with Brian wasn't so bad, cringey conversationalism aside. He wasn't as stupid as Quagmire had originally thought. In fact, some of his ideas sounded quite clever. His heart raced in his chest.

"Goo goo ga ga" Said Stewie.

"That's a great idea!" Brian responded. "We should make some fake references to make our story sound more legit!"

"...Did you just talk to the baby?" Quagmire asked, confused.

"You're not supposed to acknowledge that. Point is, we should make a bunch of fake emails and phone numbers so we can pose as business partners and professional references!"

And so it was settled. They wrote down some fake identities to verify their phony business and went to part ways, not even ordering anything at the restaurant. As Quagmire was walking to the car, however, Brian said something to him.

"Hey, if you ever want to just hang out, you should totally call me up!"

"Oh, uh, yeah totally!" Quagmire stammered, suddenly overcome with emotion.

He was giddy the whole ride home. Quagmire tried to push the feelings down, but it was getting harder (giggity) to ignore. As he reached his front door, however, he saw another paper on the ground.

I WON'T TELL YOU AGAIN. STAY AWAY FROM BRIAN. THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING.

What on Earth?! Another threat?! Quagmire picked up the paper, unable to believe his eyes.

"What is going on?! I didn't want to do this, but I have to go to the police."

So Quagmire went and knocked on Joe's door. Joe answered it not too long after.

"Oh hey Quagmire! I was just rewatching Psych for the 900th time."

"Yeah whatever Joe. I need your help, I think someone's stalking me!" Quagmire said.

"That's a very serious accusation, Quagmire." Joe said. "Do you have any proof?"

Quagmire showed Joe the paper, he spent an unusual amount of time studying it. After fifteen solid minutes of silence, Joe finally spoke up.

"I'm dyslexic. What does it say?"

Quagmire sighed dramatically.

"I won't tell you again. Stay away from Brian. This is your final warning."

"Again? Final warning?" Joe stroked his chin with suspicion. "So they've sent a warning before?"

"Yes, but I thought it was some sort of prank, so I threw it away."

"I see. And what does it mean, stay away from Brian?"

Uh oh. Quagmire wasn't ready to talk about his feelings for Brian. But... these were threats. His life was on the line.

"Joe, what I'm about to say, you can't tell anyone."

"Won't be a problem. Nobody listens to me anyway."

Quagmire took a deep breath. 

"I think... I have a crush on Brian."