Lately, I've Tried Other Things || Buddie

Tell Me What's My Flavor

"I'm afraid."

"Okay..." His voice is soft, kind, comforting. "Okay..." It's even quieter this time, and Eddie can already feel his racing heartbeat slow just a little. "W-what are you afraid of?"

Eddie takes a moment, then answers. "That I'm never going to feel normal again..."

"Normal? Eddie-"

"I don't know who I am if I didn't save them. It happened at a time in my life where I felt like I wasn't doing anything right, and that was... that was the one thing I did right. I saved them, Buck. I did something undeniably good, and it still ended with... they're still gone. How am I supposed to feel normal when I don't even know who I am?" He stares at him. He's blurry through the tears, but it's still Buck. "Can you just tell me who I am if I didn't save them?"

"Hey, you have saved so many more people since then. I've been there with you. I've seen what you're like. You are someone who saves people, Eddie. What happens after that is not on your shoulders."

"I... I don't know if I would do this if I hadn't saved them, Buck. I knew I could do this because I did it then, but what if... What if I'm not who I thought I was?"

"I don't think you are who you think you are. You are so much more than the people you save, but that's all you ever give yourself credit for."

"If I'm not the people I save, then what the hell am I? Please, if you know, just tell me because I can't... I can't keep doing this."

"I-" He sighs. He stands up, picks up his chair and moves it closer to Eddie. "First of all, I think this is hard for you because it's the only time you feel as though you've saved people you knew, but that's not true. Eddie... You've saved me so many times, and I know you probably don't realize that, but it's true and I need you to know that."

"What do you-"

"I... I need you to let me finish because I'm trying to tell you who you are and I don't want this to become about me... Eddie, you are so much more than you let yourself believe. Sure, you're someone who saves lives, but you're also a father, a friend... My best friend. I know with our job, saving lives feels like everything, but there are people out there who live normal lives, have normal jobs, and they are just as worthy of love, they are just as capable of being extraordinary. Eddie... even if the number of lives you saved was zero, you would still be exceptional to me. You would still be an amazing father. You would still be kind, and funny, and helpful, and forgiving, and thoughtful, and... you. Eddie, you would still be you, because yes, the lives you have saved are important, and it feels great to know you've done something good, but it does not define you. At the end of the day, I can't tell you who you are, but I can tell you who you are to me."

Eddie feels like an idiot just staring at him, but he genuinely cannot form a response. He didn't expect Buck to actually tell him who he was. He thought it was a ridiculous request when he said it, mostly rhetorical with a quiet undertone of a cry for help, but he didn't expect that.

"That was a lot, sorry..."

"No...I just-" He stares down at the table, tears slowing, but still falling. He gets entranced for a moment, watching them hit the solid surface and pool.

"I guess... to put it more simply, you are someone I... someone I love a lot, Eddie, and I want you to know that."

Eddie tears his eyes from the pool on the table and looks at Buck, but he's looking away from him now, looking at the wall on the other side of him. Eddie wants to respond, but once again, he can't. It feels just a little different this time though. Like he's got the words, but they're caught in his throat. He can't tell if they're clawing their way out, or clawing their way deeper into him.