Kingdom of isolation - you can't hide

Thirty One ~ Aurora

Aurora

*trigger warnings: mentions of suicidal thoughts/depression/undisclosed eating disorder*

I'm floating inside a dream, back in my old room, snuggled against warm bed sheets that smell like marshmallows and flowers. The only thing missing is food in my belly and I'll start to believe this is all real. When I woke up in the arms of my beautiful Mama, I had sobbed and sobbed until my vocal cords were raw. I said things I didn't mean. She didn't stop me either. After that, I went into a deep slumber and now here I am. Conflicted about everything that is my life as I stare up at the galaxy that I'm pretty sure glows in the dark. I'm wearing soft pyjamas and my knees have been bandaged up, no doubt the work of my Mama. I never thought I was capable of harbouring such resentment towards my family, but I'm full of surprises these days. With my mind not as loud as it was before, regret has started blooming in my gut. Truthfully speaking, I'm avoiding them all after bawling like some wild child. It was embarrassing and humiliating, to have no control over my behaviour and say things that were never meant to leave the recess of my mind. I wish you'd just left me to die somewhere, Mama! I would have died knowing you never cared for me than to have lived a life full of longing for you!

I swallow the sobs wanting to escape, my own poisonous words running through my head. I said those vicious things to her without realising how dark my inner thoughts had turned over the years. I always thought..bottling up my emotions and throwing myself into materialistic things was good enough for me. That it didn't matter if I couldn't recall much of anything. I had Uncle Noah, Aunt Clara and even little Levi to keep me company. So colour me surprised when I vomit every emotional response known to mankind in front of my mother and still feel like crap. Because that's the problem with bottling your emotions. They explode out of nowhere and are not a true reflection of your feelings, just amalgamation of things that crossed your mind once or twice. Maybe more than twice for me. My guards dropped one by one until reality blurred into the darkness living inside of me. I never anticipated to feel so much all at once. An innocent, child-like part of me thought I'd run into the arms of my lost family and everything would be back to normal. Whatever normal was. Instead, I lashed out at my mother and basically told her that I was better off dead. I feel like absolute shit because I genuinely believe it too. I think I always did. I've been running from myself for so long when the answer was right there in front of me, glaring at me. Maybe I was better off if I didn't exist at all, seeing as my entire existence has been the hot topic for god knows how long.

"No!" I yowl, feeling the blanket move and expose me to cool air. I hurriedly grip it until we're both playing tug of war. "Let me wallow in shame and misery!" I fight Caspian's hold until I'm red in the face and dangling midair with my blanket. Grey eyes watch me with mild annoyance before I'm lowered down. Great, now I'm being an inconvenience to everyone. I sniff, tucking my chin underneath the blanket.

"You're not moping around on my watch. Get up."

"Leave me alone." I mumble, hiding under the blanket.

"Rory." The deep timbre of his voice is intimidating but that doesn't stop me from biting back.

"Don't call my name like that!" I snap, my voice quivering pathetically. I am pathetic.

"Like what?"

"Like it means something to you.." I bury my head under the pillow, my voice so small that I doubt he even heard me. The bed dips with his weight and I feel my blanket being lifted again.

"You're angry."

No, I'm actually not, even though I should be. I have every right to be. I should be fuming with the knowledge that my family purposely kept me away for so long, instead, I'm feeling the urge to end my life and rid everyone of my pathetic presence. I won't tell him that, I'll never tell anyone that. When I don't respond, he sighs.