A Recipe for Disaster

Got me a war in my mind

As lunch came, I felt...bad.

My stomach was in so much pain, it was like a war was like there was a war in my stomach, bombs in my stomach, screaming, crying, exhaustion.  

All of this pain made me want to run away and cry. But I couldn't. I didn't exactly know why my stomach was in pain, but I was guessing it was because of the perfume that was spread everywhere in the girl's washroom. 

And the fact that my head was hurting didn't help. Ryder and his stupid mouth made my mind flood with dumb thoughts like:

What if I'm not good enough for anyone

or

Can someone be bad at sex?

Some were stupid questions, but they all hurt the same. 

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As I walked into the cafeteria, 

I decided to tell Joyce, Malerie, and Marissa about what was happening, but I saw they were all talking and laughing. I felt like if I asked them for advice, I'd ruin the vibe. So, I just walked to the table and sat down, trying to eat the pain away with my sandwich.

"Hey, Amy, what's up?" Marissa asked, and I couldn't help but notice her nose ring.

"Hey, Marissa, did you get a new nose ring?"

She nodded. "Do you like it?"

I nodded. "It's nice, but you have, like, twenty-three piercings now."

"And a temporary tattoo."

I gave her a weird look, not a concerning look, as if she was insane. The Marissa I knew would never get a tattoo, even if it was temporary. She was too much of a two-goody shoes to that.  "Are you okay, Marissa?"

She nodded. "Yeah, why?"

"With your parents' divorce and everything, are you okay with it?"

She nodded again and even gave a fake smile. "Yeah, I'm actually happier with it. Now that my parents are divorced, I'm getting more stuff. I got a bunch of clothes from Forever 21 yesterday, and then this really pretty pendant." She said, showing me the pendant.

I nodded, not thinking much of it, not thinking much of what now, I realize is a fake smile. She said she was happier, so she must be happier, right? "So how is the whole Maya thing?" Joyce asked, taking a bite of her fries.

"What do you mean?"

"Did you get her number? Did you talk to her?"

I shook my head. "No, but I heard stories about her, and she seems nice."

Joyce nodded, and I took my chance to tell her about my problems. "Do you guys think I'm annoying?"

The girls didn't say anything for a while as they thought. "Not really. I mean, the time you spend with Graham is annoying sometimes, but other than that, no. I mean, we are your best friends; you should be spending time with us, and you also can talk a lot at times, which is a little annoying, oh, and the fact that you rarely ever go out with us, and are home studying is kinda a bitchy move. Like we are also your friends, we also value spending time with you."

The studying thing was once. ONCE!

My stomach clenched more in pain as I took a bite of my sandwich, hoping it would wash away the discomfort. "So you just hate that I talk to him?"

They shrugged. "I guess. It makes you look like you're in love with him or something."

I guess Ryder wasn't the only one who thought that. "I'm not—"

"We know," Malerie interrupted, sounding annoyed. "You've said that many times; we get it, Amy. You don't like him, he doesn't like you, and you'll never like each other. At this point, you're making this your whole personality, and quite frankly, it's frustrating."

Was I? Because I wasn't trying to. I was just nervous, and I couldn't get what Ryder had said out of my head...in love with him. But hearing Malerie's words made me feel like a stalker like I was obsessed with Graham, that I only thought about him, cared about him, and breathed him.

Looking down at my sandwich, I felt full—full. The pain, sadness, anger, and annoyance fed me. 

No matter how many sandwiches I ate, it wouldn't vanish the small hole in my chest. It wouldn't banish the feeling of loneliness that came upon my stomach. The pain it gave me. And as much as I wished food had the power to do that, it didn't. 

I looked up at Malerie to respond and apologize, but she and the girls were talking about someone making someone mad. I didn't exactly know what they were talking about because I was drowning in my own world.

 It was like Noah and the ark; instead of the world flooding, I felt like my head was flooded with dark and sad thoughts that I couldn't escape.