A Recipe for Disaster

therefore I am

When I got to school, all I got was a permission slip and a call from my mom, warning me that if I was late again, I'd be homeless. Fun times!

As I walked into class, Joyce was staring at me like I was a million bucks, I did not even tell her a single word! 

When I sat down next to her, she gave me a look full of sympathy, her lips turning into a frown as she looked at me. "Oh my gosh, Amy, I heard about Graham. He's such a jerk."

"What?" I asked in confusion.

"He dated someone while you liked him!" she said, casually doodling in her notebook.

I looked at her, completely confused and a little angry. Why did everyone have to think I liked him? "What? I don't like him." I said defensively, offended that she also thinks that.

Joyce let out a little sigh. "Yes, you do. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone."

Here's the thing about Joyce: when she promises not to tell, she always ends up telling everyone. Even though I wasn't the sharpest back then, I knew she was lying—just like when I confided in her that I thought our neighbour was hot, and she spread it around the entire school. I had to lie and say it was my "friend" Julie, who, by the way, is my "cousin" that no one's ever met because she has a fear of planes. Yeah, I know, so sad.

"Look, Joyce, I'm just annoyed that he didn't tell me, okay?" I said, trying to stay calm, annoyed at the allegations I was getting for liking Graham.

She scoffed as her pout turned into annoyance. "But I told you when I liked Toby M! Why can't you tell me? I mean, we're best friends, right?"

I nodded, feeling an unexpected twinge of guilt. My stomach doing that weird knot thing again. "I promise, I don't like him. And if I ever do, I'll tell you," I lied, just wanting to keep the peace.

The annoyance from a second ago left her face as she smiled. "You're a true best friend. And I believe you now. If anyone says anything about you, I'll set them straight."

Spoiler alert: She didn't. Instead, she laughed along with them. But at that moment, I had no idea, so I gave her a genuine smile, thinking I had the best friend in the world. In reality, she was more like a knockoff of Regina George—except instead of being iconic, she was just... plastic. Literally. She got plastic surgery a few months ago, and now she has these ugly, swollen duck lips like they're permanently on fire. It's hilarious, not that I'm being mean or anything.

Oh, and she also got a facelift. I mean, the facelift is literally the screensaver on my phone—it's too funny not to be. But not as funny as those lips, ah, good times. 

Every time I see her in some news outlet, I can't help but laugh. She looks like she's halfway through a transformation into... an Avatar.

"Thanks," I said, the knot slowly drifting away as Joyce flashed me a huge grin.

"Anytime, Amy."