Some girls do

Chapter 14: Kazuha

I'm flopped over a bright red barber chair in my brother's shop, watching him sweep the black-and-white checkerboard floor. He just finished cutting my hair off—well, he cut enough to say it's a new cut or whatever when Mom calls later. The fact that he also dyed it dark red is something I may need to . . . ease my parents into. God knows it would never have been allowed at my old school. Even Bangchan was hesitant at first, but when I said I'd just do it at home with some bleach and Kool-Aid, his little hair-loving heart got on board real quick.

I could tell by his smile when he dusted off all the stray hairs and spun me around to face the mirror that he loves it just as much as I do.

But still, even though cutting off my hair and dyeing it a color I could only daydream about before feels exciting, like a real, actual change, deep down I know it's not. Or at least, it's not enough of one.

I toe my chair around in lazy circles. Next to me, Bangchan's best friend, Felix, is shaving a hard part into a twelve-year-old's hair while the kid's mom and sister watch from a row of subway seats along the wall. Felix and Bangchan met in barber school and became "accelerated best friends" as Bangchan says. They may not have known each other forever, but apparently the intensity of barber school creates a bond. They went their separate ways right after, but the second they could afford to open a shop together, they did.

I spin the chair around a few more times with a sigh. Bangchan cocks an eyebrow and shoves my foot out of the way as he slides the broom under my chair. "You know, if you're so bored, you can sweep up your own hair."

"I'm not that bored."

"Then what?" Felix asks, pulling the smock off the boy and brushing the hair from his neck. "Because your sighing is scaring the customers."

The boy looks at Felix when he says that, and the mom laughs and hands him some cash before disappearing out the door.

"See, look how fast they ran out of here," Bangchan says, resting his arm and chin on his broom. "Okay, I'll bite. What's up?"

"Don't get all fatherly on me." I snort.

"First of all, when has Dad ever said What's up? Second of all, I'm not getting fatherly, I'm getting brotherly, which became my right when you filled my spare room with all your stuff."

"Oh, like you don't love having me here," I tease.

"I didn't say that. I said having you here gives me the right to pry."

"It's true," Felix adds. "It's in the brotherly bylaws."

"Hmm," I say, "I haven't seen any bylaws."

"Well, you wouldn't have, because you're a sister."

I suck in my lips and let them out with a pop. "You know, sometimes I feel like I could search the entire world and still never find two bigger dorks than the ones standing right in front of me."

"Kazuha," my brother says, "enough deflecting. What's got you sighing and throwing yourself over my chairs like a Disney princess?"

I don't want to say it, really. I kind of just want to let this moment of levity sink into my bones until I don't care anymore. But it's Bangchan, and I tell him everything—regardless of the "brotherly bylaws."

"Honestly?"

"Honestly," he says.

"It turns out a lot of the kids here don't feel any safer about coming out than they did at St. Mary's. Especially the ones who play sports. I guess once I finish my training, I'm getting partnered with some football player who drives, like, forever to get to the center. And then there's Yujin, who won't even come to a Pride Club meeting even though there are straight allies there. She's stuck in this half-in/half-out gray area, and it sucks."

Felix tilts his head. "Did she tell you it sucks?"

"Well, no," I say, spinning toward him. "But I've been there before, and I know it does."

Bangchan narrows his eyes. "If she doesn't seem bothered by it, then I would worry less about her and more about the kids who want to come out but feel like they can't."

"And I'll find them all how?"

"It sounds like you've already found one through the center, and you've barely even started."

I sigh. It's a fair point, but . . . "It doesn't seem like enough, though. I made this big stand at my old school, and now I'm here and it feels like nothing's really different. It's the same stuff, just a different setting."

"Well, it's changing for St. Mary's, thanks to your lawsuit."

"Maybe. And again, that's one school."

"It could help a lot of kids in the future, maybe set a precedent statewide."

"Something tells me even if they put out an official we tolerate gay kids policy at St. Mary's, no one's going to feel super comfortable coming out at an ultraconservative private Catholic school. I want to do more than just change things on paper."

"I know," Bangchan says. "And that's why I think helping out at the center is going to be really good for you."

"Yeah. Probably."

"Wait," Felix says. "That doesn't sound convincing."

Bangchan scrunches up his forehead. "It really doesn't."

"I think we have to double Dad her until she smiles." Felix stalks toward me.

"Oh my god, stop." I laugh.

Bangchan moves beside him, and they both bring their hands to their chins in matching fake-thoughtful faces.

I roll my eyes. "I'm fine. I promise."

"I'm sorry, Zuzu. That's just not good enough."

"Yeah," Felix says. "We're here for you. You got a problem, your brother dads will solve it."

I blink at them. "Nope, not doing this." But they keep staring at me with expectant faces like two golden retriever puppies who somehow manifested themselves into people right before my eyes. "You honestly think I'm gonna vomit my feelings about school and the waiver and Chaewon and stuff just because you keep looking at me like that?"

"Chaewon?" Bangchan looks at Felix. "Wait, who's Chaewon?"

"Yeah, we've definitely never heard of Chaewon."

Ugh. I can't believe I let that slip. "She's no one. Just a girl from school."

Felix groans. "How do you have a girlfriend already? I've been here two years and don't have one."

"That's because you're annoying, Felix," Bangchan says, clamping his hand on his shoulder. I laugh; I can't help it. "Do you have a girlfriend, Kazuha?"

"Yeah, no. I have a person who can't decide if she likes me or hates me, but she also could be straight or so far in the closet she hasn't realized she's not yet."

"Oooooh, someone has a crush," Felix sings, clutching his heart. I resist the urge to smack him. Having one nosy brother was bad enough. How did I end up with two?

"Kazuha," Bangchan says, his voice getting serious. "Promise me you won't settle, okay? Find someone who respects your feelings and your time."

The unlike the last girl you were into is implied, but I hear it loud and clear.

I swallow hard. "Don't you both have hair to sweep?"

Because no matter how big of a crush I'm fighting, I know he's right. I won't make that mistake again. Ever. I deserve to be wooed. I deserve to know that the person I'm falling for is falling for me right back. I deserve grand gestures and romance and all that other good stuff.

If Kim Chaewon—or anyone else, for that matter—is interested in anything with me, then they're going to have to make the first move, and it's going to have to be big.