One time ❤️

She feels like home

The next couple days were as horrible as the rest. I miss the days where I was fully happy. Not a care in the world, just being me. But somewhere along the line the happiness began to drain from me and life started to feel like a chore. There's times where I think about how easy everything would be if I was gone. No worries, no thoughts, just silence. Oh how I longed for silence.

Noah's cries filled my ears as I twisted and turned in bed. It was currently 3:47 am and I had no shot of falling asleep. Hats off to Keira because I'm not sure how she is functioning in the mornings with a night full of this racket.

Any chance of sleep was gone so I decided to watch something instead. I went on iplayer and put on my favourite documentary. The lionesses and their journey through the euros! I've watched it about 100 times now I reckon but it was only recently released. The fact that I know the players on a more personal level makes it a whole lot better.

When the documentary finished I sat still just waiting for morning.
The cries came louder and my head started to fill with anger. I punched the wall fully knowing it would achieve nothing. It felt better though. Atleast I could get my anger out. Lucy keeps telling me to pick up boxing as she's gotten really into it lately but I have just had no energy, some days it's a battle to leave my bed so I'm not sure if it's even an option right now.

Eventually I got bored of sitting still and decided to go to the toilet. Unfortunately Lucy had the same plan.
"Hey kiddo. Cant sleep?"
"Clearly" I replied stubbornly before heading back to my room forgetting the idea of the toilet.

I felt slightly bad. After all Lucy was trying to speak to me and that is what I've been wanting since Noah was born but she has had the option for a long time.
After about 10 minutes there was a knock at my bedroom door.
"Go away" I said.
They did not listen and I watched as my door clicked open and a tired Keira Walsh came into view.
"Sorry Chlo. Lucy told me she's got it for the night. Any chance I could sleep in here with you? I can just go down to the couch if not" she said calmly.
I thought about it for a minute. After all she hadn't been realising my existence for a while but then again she looked so tired. I felt real guilt for Keira and ended up giving in.

If it was Lucy I think I would of declined. I understand she's busy but that's my mum. She should At least make me feel known for more than 30 seconds a day. Especially after what's been happening. Almost every day I feel like a ghost haunting there life's. Now they have Noah it's like there need for me is gone. My problems took up a whole lot of there life before and maybe they just want a reset.

A tear fell down my face and Keira was quick to notice as she watched my had silently rub my under eye.
"Oh darling" she sighed "come here"
I couldn't hold my tears in as they rushed down my face.
I fell into Keira's grip feeling extremely lifeless. It made me realise if I had been comforted before I would of never craved the buzz and the high from the other night. All I needed was a hug.

I felt so bad crying in Keira's arms so I quickly composed myself. She came in here to get away from the crying not to endure more.
"Night kei"
"Night chlo"

And with that I finally drifted off.

********

The next morning I woke up in an empty bed. Keira must of gone downstairs to make breakfast. I checked the time and it read 10:02 I decided to try and get up. I headed to the bathroom brushed my teeth and hair then slid into some comfy clothes.
I walked downstairs and smiled so brightly. I haven't smiled in ages. But today was different. Stood facing me was Leah.
I didn't hesitate before running up to her and jumping into her arms.
"Hey sweetie"
"I missed you so much Leah"
"I missed you too"
She clung on to me and for that minute I felt wanted again.

She placed me down and we walked over to the sofa.
"I made you some breakfast" she announced with a smile on her face.
I did a small smile back but inside I was scared.
I didn't want to eat breakfast but I also didn't want to upset Leah. I guess I'll try.

She handed me a plate of toast and jam. I swallowed, just the sight of food made me feel sick. I had a go and slowly nibbled at my bread.

"Your mums have gone out to take Noah to the hospital. Nothing bad just his check up"
I nodded my head.
"There coming back in around two hours so you get me all to yourself. Lucky girl"
I smiled again.
Something about Leah just made me feel happier.
Leah headed to the toilet so I quickly put the rest of my toast in the bin before taking my position back on the sofa.

"So Chlo. How you been. No bullshit just reality"
She tried to make eye contact with me but I couldn't do it.
"I've been okay, much better than before" I lied through my teeth.
"You haven't heard a word from Kelsey?" she asked
"No I think she gave up with me"
Leah nodded before pulling me into a side hug.
"I'm always here for you chloe"
"Thanks le"
We stayed like that for a while until Leah broke the silence. It wasn't an awkward silence but more of a comfortable one.

"How about a few shots outside"
We both got up and made our way out.

My phone pinged from the floor and Leah got to it before I could.
"Whose Sam? Oh has chloe got a boyfrienddd" Leah teased.
Sam was the boy I had been meeting up with in the evenings. He was my first kiss. I felt so lonely that night and any human contact would of done.
If Leah opens that message my life will be over.
"Hey give that. And no he's not my 'boyfriend' he's just someone who I met in the park"

"Let's open it shall we"
Fuck.
"No Leah give it"

If he had mentioned anything I was fucked.
"Boring. He just says hi"
I sighed in relief and snatched my phone off of her.
I quickly sent hi back before turning my phone onto silent.

"Can we go in now?" I asked.
"Sure"

We were sat down in the living room when Leah grabbed my hand.
"Hey don't do that" she said to me as I was picking at my nails causing one of them to bleed slightly.

"You sure there's nothing going on with you Chloe?"
"Yep nothing"
"Talk to me sweetie"
I need to get out of the situation. I can't tell her anything that's been going on because as much as I love her she is the biggest snitch. Lucy and Keira will know in seconds.
I decided to just look down and pick at my nail once more in hope I wouldn't cry.
"Hey I'm serious. Please don't do that"

She held my hand in hers as mine began to shake slightly. I began to get teary as all the events this past week had come back into my mind.
Leah noticed and just wrapped her arms around me.
"I'm so tired Leah" I said sniffing in between words.
"I know sweetie. Come here" I readjusted so my head was on her lap and my legs along the sofa.
"Leah I feel so unwanted at the moment. Lucy and Keira haven't had a full conversation with me since Noah wad born" I cried out.
"Oh sweetheart. I'm here for you"
I closed my eyes as she began to play with my hair.
Until I was out.

****

I was woken by the horrible noise of Noah's screaming. Leah was still stroking my hair as she was talking to Keira and Lucy who must of returned when I was asleep.
"Shhhh Noah it's okay" I heard Keira say in attempt to shut the screaming baby up. Eventually the screams came to an end and I came to the conclusion he gad fallen asleep. I took this as an opportunity to sit up.
"Hey sleepyhead" Lucy said. From beside me.
I just sat their straight faced.
"Chloe I'm so sorry. I didn't know you felt unwanted and I should of realised. I will make it up to you. Please let me give you a hug"
As much  as I wanted to argue back with her I felt no need, and instead I just sunk into Lucy's arms and let myself be comforted. Once again tears streamed down my face but at the same time I felt so safe. Everything about lucy just made me feel safe. She feels like home.

Writer

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