Fragments of Us - Soukoku Oneshots

20. Numbing The Pain 💔

Content Warning: This chapter contains emotional distress, dark thoughts and mentions of suicide.

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The water was ice cold, biting against his skin with the sharpness of a thousand needles. But Dazai welcomed it. The chill, the sensation of his muscles stiffening, the way his breath came in shallow, icy bursts; it was better than the silence inside his head. Better than the noise.

For once, he needed the cold to drown out everything else.

The bathroom was dimly lit, the overhead bulb flickering as if undecided whether to stay on. But Dazai didn't care. He barely noticed. The harsh lights, the grimy tiles, the water soaking into his clothes, making them heavy, clinging to his skin like a second layer, none of it mattered. Nothing ever really did, did it?

He'd walked into the bathroom and filled the tub without thinking, his mind on autopilot as his fingers twisted the tap. The water had come out cold, painfully so, but he hadn't flinched. He had simply stripped off his coat, his vest, his shoes, and stepped in.

Dazai didn't expect it to fix anything. He wasn't naïve. He knew the cold wouldn't take away the things weighing him down; the ghosts of faces long gone, the feeling of emptiness that gnawed at him with every breath. But maybe, just maybe, it would numb him enough to make it all quiet.

He lay back, letting the water submerge him, rise up to his chest, his neck, his chin. His breath was shallow, ragged as the cold seeped into him, pulling him deeper, as if trying to drag him down to some place where everything stopped. That would be nice, wouldn't it? A place where the noise stopped, where the memories didn't cling to him like ghosts, where he didn't have to keep pretending to be fine.

He closed his eyes.

There, in the water, it felt like sinking. Like giving up, like letting himself fall just far enough to feel weightless. His mind was quiet now, not in a peaceful way, but in that dangerous kind of silence. The silence where thoughts didn't form, where everything blurred together, and he didn't have to feel.

No more clever words. No more smiling. No more pretending.

Just the cold.

But then, a noise broke the stillness; a sharp sound of footsteps against the tile floor. He hadn't expected anyone to find him. He didn't care. Maybe he'd forgotten to lock the door. Maybe he hadn't even cared enough to try. It didn't matter.

"Dazai."

The voice was unmistakable; rough, edged with something that Dazai didn't have the energy to decipher. He didn't open his eyes. He didn't need to. He knew who it was.

Chuuya.

There was always Chuuya.

The water shifted as Chuuya stepped closer, his boots scuffing against the floor. Dazai felt the weight of his gaze, that mixture of anger and concern that was so uniquely Chuuya. But he didn't open his eyes. Maybe if he stayed still enough, Chuuya would leave. Maybe he'd give up, realize there was nothing worth saving here.

But Chuuya wasn't the type to leave.

"What the hell are you doing?" Chuuya's voice cracked through the quiet, laced with frustration and something heavier; fear, maybe. Dazai could hear it, even if Chuuya wouldn't admit it.

Dazai's lips twitched, a ghost of a smile that didn't reach his eyes. He could feel his body trembling now, the cold sinking deeper, numbing him. That was good. He wanted that.

"I'm tired, Chuuya," he murmured, his voice barely audible. It was the first thing he'd said all night. The truth, raw and simple.

He didn't expect Chuuya to understand. How could he? Chuuya was all fire and fury, all passion and energy. Dazai was nothing but shadows and silence.