Crowns And Shadows (MXM) (Book 1)

XXIII: A Conflicted Heart

Garrick

I've had men tremble in my presence but that was the first time I had actually enjoyed having a man shake. The way his eyes rolled to the back of his head and the way his hips bucked from my touch. It was addicting.

I couldn't help but feel guilty though. I left before he could touch me because I knew if he did, there was no way I was going to go back to living without him. I had done this to myself. If I had not observed him in the first place, we would never have gotten to that point. And I would still be vengeful.

It felt like I had betrayed my father and all I had worked up to. At that point, I knew it was impossible for me to do anything to harm this man. And that was why I was not going to do anything. The information I had gathered was enough to have the Revelian army carry out the vengeance for me as I watched.

The kingdom would burn just like my father almost did before he disappeared. I may not have all the proof but I know the royal family was behind it all. There was no other explanation as to my father's sudden disappearance, leaving me to fend for myself at just 10 years old. For 16 years my anger had steamed...

And once the kingdom falls, I'd have my crystal and I would be able to go back home. Back to the place we should've never left in the first place.

As I settled into my arm chair, I heard a voice calling out my name, "Garrick!" I immediately knew who it was. It had been a while since I had heard from Thalia, her voice brightening the shadows around me. I turned to the crystal globe on my table to see it glimmering. "I just wanted to check in. You've been quiet lately." She added.

"Hey, Thalia," I replied, forcing a smile that felt heavy on my lips. "Yeah, just... busy, I guess."

She tilted her head, concern etching lines across her forehead. "Busy? That sounds like a lie?"

I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck. "You know me all too well."

"Spill it," she urged, leaning closer to her own crystal on the other side. "Something's bothering you, right?"

I hesitated, glancing around my room as if the walls themselves might hear me. Finally, the words spilled out before I could think better of it. "It's about Prince Rowan."

Her eyes widened, shifting from concern to intrigue. "The prince? Oh no Garrick. Did you kill him?"

"What? No! He's still alive and just fine." I replied hastily.

"Oh? Then what is to about the prince? Did he find you out and order your head on a platter?" She laughed.

"He couldn't hurt me even if he wanted to. You know that."

"I don't know about that. You haven't exactly been in your greatest state recently. Does it still hurt when you shift to your raven form? And don't lie."

"I'm fine Thalia. It doesn't hurt any more than it usually does. I'll check it out when I get home."

"Okay." She raised her eyebrow sceptically as if pondering whether she should believe me or not. But she seemed to let it go. "Tell me about the prince then."

"Well, it's a bit complicated but we've done some things... "

"Things?" She questioned, he tone clearly telling me to explain further.

"You see, I didn't know he was the prince at first but then I found it out and I still couldn't stay away and I kissed him..."

"You did what???"

"Yes! I kissed him. But the second time, he kissed me..."

"He kissed you??"

"And after both times, I ran but I always went back and then... You don't need to know all the details." I groaned and held my held in my hands.

"I thought you hated the royal family. The whole kingdom in fact."

"I do!" I snapped, frustration boiling beneath my skin. "At least, I should. He's everything I'd grown to despise. He represents everything I want to destroy but I don't know what's wrong with me now."

"So you like him?" Thalia prompted, her voice gentle but firm.

"No! I could never like him." I immediately countered, feeling the heat rise to my cheeks. "I told you it's complicated. It's just that when I see him, I can't help but feel drawn to him. It's infuriating! I've tried to ignore it, but the more I learn about him, the more I see this person behind the crown who's so different than I expected."

Her expression softened. "So basically, you like him?"

"I don't know, okay?" I ran a hand through my dark hair, exasperated. "I shouldn't feel this way. We're supposed to be enemies."

"But you don't have to be enemies," she replied earnestly. "You can't help how you feel, Garrick. I don't think you hate him. I think you hate how he makes you feel. It's foreign and you don't know what to do."

I turned away from the crystal, pacing again as I wrestled with my emotions. "It feels like a betrayal. My promise to my father... How can I do that if I'm... if I'm...?"

"Falling in love?" she finished for me, her voice steady. "You have to confront this, Garrick. You can't just bury it and hope it goes away. Clearly you've tried and tragically failed. Or else you wouldn't be telling me about it."

I paused, staring out the window at the moonlit landscape. "But what if he feels nothing? What if he hates me just as much as I'm supposed to hate him?"

"Then you'll deal with that when it comes," she said, her voice firm. "But you owe it to yourself to explore whatever this feeling is. Talk to him. Find out what's really there. Maybe he's just as conflicted as you."

I took a deep breath, the weight of her words settling over me. "You make it sound so easy."

"It's not," she said, a knowing smile on her face. "But I promise that you will not die from it. And if he doesn't feel the same way, you could always just vaporize him."

I met her gaze through the crystal and laughed. "You're right. Thanks, Thalia. I needed to hear that."

"Anytime," she replied, her smile brightened the room. "Just promise me you won't make any rash decisions without telling me."

I nodded, feeling a flicker of hope amidst my turmoil. "I promise."

Just then, I heard a growl coming from her side. "That's Jinx," she said, "I have to go!"

As our connection faded, I turned back to my room, the shadows feeling a little less oppressive. The tide of my emotions shifted, and for the first time, I allowed myself to imagine what it might be like to embrace those feelings rather than run from them.