I'll hold you close

Chapter 12

CW: abuse

Levi dreamt about his mother that night. The way she had looked when his hands were around her neck. The feeling of her fists pounding his back. The tightening of cold metal around his wrists as the cops dragged him away, him screaming the whole way that it wasn't his fault.

He woke up with a small gasp and the thought 'But what if it was'. 

Nicky sat awake while he dreamt, holding him and smiling occasionally at his cute little twitches. She had no idea what was happening inside his head. When he jolted awake, she rubbed his back soothingly.

"You're okay baby, what's wrong?" She asked.

He was staring blankly at the wall on the other side of the room. 

"Just a bad dream." He mumbled. "I have them sometimes."

"You're thinking about something." she pressed. 

"I just- what if- I don't know." 

"What if what, baby?"

He sighed. "I need to process first before I talk about it." 

"Okay love."

He settled back into her arms and she ran her hands through his hair. His chest felt heavy, and he couldn't fall back asleep. He felt like a monster. 

Nicky found herself lost staring at the young man. To her, there wasn't anyone more perfect on this earth. She was falling in love with him and she was terrified. This time though, she vowed not to run from it. She thought for a moment about getting her new bunk assignment and it made her nauseous and again, it crossed her mind just how soft she had become. 

Levi finally found himself soothed by the sound of her heartbeat and drifted close to sleep, but then a thought crossed his mind. 

"Nicky, why are you awake?" He asked, looking up at her. 

"I-" she paused "I stay up to make sure you don't need me." she admitted.

"You don't need to do that." He said, his voice full of appreciation and concern at the same time. "Nicky, when are you sleeping?" He asked.

She paused for a long time. "For a couple hours during free time." She finally admitted. 

Levi didn't know what to say. He leaned in and kissed her gently.

"You need to sleep." he said finally. He noticed the dark circles under her eyes for the first time.  "I'm not gonna let you kill yourself for me."

She nodded, finally admitting to herself that all these sleepless nights really were getting to her. She settled against him, letting herself relax, and almost immediately fell asleep. 

Levi watched her for a while, taking in every feature. She was so perfect, he couldn't help but smile to himself.

He didn't want the COs to find her in his bed in the morning so, slowly, he slid out of bed and scooped her into his arms, holding her bridal style. She stirred a little bit, whining, and then leaned her head against his chest. 

"Shh I've got you love." he whispered.

Stronger than he looked, Levi gently lifted her onto the top bunk, and pulled her blanket over her. He brushed her hair messy hair out of her face and kissed her forehead. She whined softly again, and as Levi moved to climb back into his own bed she reached out and caught his wrist in her grip. 

"Please stay." she begged him. She looked up at him pleadingly, and he smiled.

Exhausted, Nicky had completely dropped her tough exterior. She wanted him by her side every minute and, at least for the time being, she wasn't afraid to show him that. 

"baby, it's almost morning." He replied. Her grip tightened on his wrist, and her lip trembled. She fought tooth and nail to prevent tears from leaving her eyes, but she failed, and they spilled down her cheeks.

Levi's eyes widened at the sight of this woman breaking down in front of him. He almost believed he would never see it.

"Oh, Nicky." concern filled his voice. He pulled himself onto her bunk and she immediately collapsed into his arms, her face pressed against his chest. He rubbed her back soothingly and let her cry. 

"I don't want to spend a single night in here without you." She said.

"I know, but we're gonna be okay." Levi replied.

"No Levi, I just- you dont even-" She was getting flustered, suddenly aware of how vulnerable she was being. She pulled away from him, and couldn't meet his eyes. 

He cupped her cheek, swiping away a tear with his thumb, and lifted her face. Still, she avoided looking at him, fixating her gaze anywhere but his eyes. 

"Nicky" he started. She finally forced herself to look at him. "You're okay, you can tell me what you're feeling, it's safe."

she breathed deeply, and looked away from him again. 

"I just- I haven't felt this safe with someone in a really long time, maybe ever, and it makes me feel like I need you. And that terrifies me more than I can explain to you, but, It's just how I feel and I don't know how I'm gonna sleep without you in my arms."

He didn't say anything for a moment. She looked back at him nervously. When she did, he leaned in and kissed her deeply. 

When he finally pulled away he just said "I love you too"