Unkissed. (Rated R)

82.👑

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The five stages of grief. I spent a long time feeling as though I would never accept Patrick's death, and spent a long-time resenting Nasir for executing a command he could not deny. Caught between two of both disasters. Watching a figure who I admired, be killed by a man I desired. I never thought I would come to terms with it, but in the end, I had found my peace. Fully accepting Patrick is no more, and what he has taught me, for all those years must now be put to the test and in good faith.

But I find myself guilty in this very moment.

Hidden in the furthest part of my room, buried into the soundless closet, I had removed my crown from my head, not worthy of wearing it for what I planned on doing. With the laptop I had bought a long time ago, I put it to use for the very first time. Searching for erotic videos on forbidden websites.

I skipped several steps in the part of healing and caved in on all the filthy fantasies, those that I had stored in my mind the very first time I seen him. Suppressed for so long, and now they have fully returned, ten folds stronger than I had intended. 24 hours since I had last spoken to him, 24 hours since I could look him in the eyes and not see that mighty shaft awakening with a need, or his calloused palms and not wince.

We are due to depart in an hour to locate a suitable building for the approaching event for the upcoming exhibition. I woke up without Gunter aside me, and instantly thought of yesterday's events, only prolonging that ache.

And now it is what I planned on doing about it -- in Fact, how do I do this? and what was I into?

All tension focuses right on my center, and I am constantly shifting to any noise or a sound of my name from the outside.

I pull a video. A masseuse and a stripper -- interesting combo.

The video begins, and my heart plummeted into the acid of my stomach. Every swirl of the loading icon only slumped me further into shame. Goodness, what am I doing.

The video opens with a woman lying on her belly, a faceless man hovering above her on the side as he lathers her radiant skin up with oil. Fondly running his hand, over the soft layer of her skin until she beams like a star, his caress is strong yet gentle simultaneously. Long raven hair brushing the polished floor as she groans to his every deep touch, undoing those tight knots. Veins adorning his hands, Like Nasir's they were carved for destruction and menacing to the eyes, but his touches were as soft as flower pads.

"Where does it hurt the most?" he says, the camera keeps from his face, but his resonant voice shook even me from behind the screen.

"Lower." she whines, adjusting her hips to guide his touch down to her naked ass.

Fast forwarding through the conversation and buildup the video makes it to his straining erection, purposefully standing right in her face, leaving her no choice but to focus on the awoken member. The fervent kissing commences, tension accelerating, and he begins to gnaw his way down her body. I cocked my head and watched as he gripped the hems of her underwear, slipping it down to her ankles, she swung her leg around and I captured a glimpse of her bare shaven womanhood. Dark folds and a bright pink clit. His hands hook under knees pulling her towards the end where he knelt. Using his index fingers from both hands to spread her open and drag his tongue at her center.

Slowly, awfully slower than I wanted. It feels off, at how unexcited I was. I exited the video, feeling rather empty, scrolling down the filthy page of torrid thumbnails, until one tag caught my eye.

'BDSM'

I gaped at the four letters, not knowing what it meant but was awakened by electricity, even when I hovered the mouse over the word, beads of sweat race down the nape of my neck with a rush as I click the video. One minute I held my breath then the next it gusted from my lungs, leaving me wheezing for more.