Desire

XIV.

Lea

I'm not going to let you screw this up for me.

I can't stop hearing her voice in my head.

The words cut deeper than I thought they would. I didn't expect them to hit me like that. I didn't expect her to hit me like that. But now, it's all I hear, like an echo that won't fade, bouncing off every wall in my mind.

I couldn't stay there. Not after that. Not after she threw those words in my face like they didn't mean anything. Like I didn't mean anything. So, I left.

And now? Now I'm sitting here, in my car, staring at my phone like it's going to somehow fix everything. Like calling him will magically make me feel less lost, less like I'm free-falling into something I can't control. It's suffocating, this pressure. My mom's words ringing in my head, the weight of the showcase, the fact that I have to get through this mess with Isabel. I've never felt more lost.

I want to run to her. I want to beg her to take it all back, to look at me like she used to—like we weren't just... this. But how could I? After everything we've been through, everything we are right now, I don't even know where we stand. I hate that I care. I hate that she can break me down like this, with just one sentence.

I didn't even bother going to the rest of my classes. I've never been one to skip, especially with my dad's expectations of graduating with honors hanging over me, but I just can't take it anymore. I needed to get away from everything and everyone, even for just a day.

I spent the entire day holed up in my apartment, staring at the same four walls, trying to ignore the weight sitting heavy on my chest. The apartment was eerily quiet, save for the occasional off-key melody I mindlessly tapped out on the piano. I couldn't focus, couldn't even string together the notes to make something coherent. Every chord felt hollow, like the music was just as broken as everything else. I didn't know whether I was angry or just... exhausted. Maybe both.

I couldn't even manage to take care of myself today. I skipped breakfast, didn't bother with lunch. I barely managed to take a shower. My body felt sluggish, heavy, like I was dragging myself through quicksand, and it wasn't just the lack of food. It was everything in between.

Instead, I sat here, playing the same meaningless notes on my piano, stewing in all these complicated feelings. But then, something hit me, something I should have figured out weeks ago. I'm done. Done with the arguing, the cold looks, the passive-aggressive comments. I'm not playing that game with Isabel anymore. I'm not giving her any more power over me.

If she wants to freeze me out, fine. I'll kill her with kindness instead. No more anger, no more snide remarks. Just warmth. Kindness. It'll probably drive her crazy, but maybe, just maybe, it'll break through that icy wall she's built around herself.

That night, as I lay in bed, the weight of everything still pressed down on my chest. The room was dark, but my mind was racing, wide awake. I kept thinking about Isabel, about the way her eyes hardened every time we locked gazes, about her sharp words that left me feeling like I was cut open. It wasn't just the anger that scared me anymore; it was the possibility that maybe we'd never get past this. Maybe we'd never go back to anything resembling friendship, or even just acquaintances at this point.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out the thoughts, but they kept coming. I kept picturing her face, the way she would look at me like I was the problem. But tomorrow had to be different. I was going to face her with a smile, no matter how much it hurt. No more fighting. No more bitter remarks. I'd bury everything I was feeling deep down, as far as it could go.

Because I couldn't afford to keep losing pieces of myself over this.

The next day

I woke up earlier than usual, determined to shake off the heaviness that had been suffocating me. Today was a new day, and I had a mission. Kill Isabel with kindness. If I was going to make it through this, I had to be ready—not just mentally, but physically. I needed to feel good.