Hazbin Hotel: Sins and Second Chances

Chapter 17

This was going horribly. Absolutely horribly. Charlie sat at the table in Heaven's embassy, barely holding it together. Her elbows propped up her head as her eyes glazed over, tuning in and out of Adam's obnoxious monologue. He hadn't stopped talking since she sat down. Every word that come out of his mouth was more absurd than the last, and her eye twitched uncontrollably as she fought the urge to scream.

Across the table sat Adam, leader of the Angel Army, with his ridiculous outfit and golden tip horns, a smug grin, and a plate full of ribs that he devoured messily. Every word he spoke was punctuated with smacks of chewing, his mouth full of meat as he carried on about himself, completely oblivious or indifferent to her frustration.

"So," Adam was saying between bites, "I was playing this gig, right? And for some fuckin' reason, this virtue chick was all over the drummer. And I'm like, 'Do you know who I am? I'm fuckin' Adam! I'm the original dick!" He pointed down the table at his crotch, which made Charlie internally cringe. "All dicks descend from me. You think you want drummer dick? No way! I'm the dick-fucking-master!" He took another sloppy bite of ribs, not missing a beat. "So anyway, then we fucked and it was awesome. What'd you do this weekend?"

For a moment, there was a blissful silence. Charlie blinked. He had actually stopped talking? Was this finally her chance to speak? Oh, thank God! She swore if she had to endure another second of his nonsense, she'd lose her mind. Suddenly, everything made sense, why her mother left him. If this was how Adam was back in the Garden, she couldn't blame her. Eve must've had the patience of a saint.

Under her breath, she muttered, "That explains so much."

Adam mistook her low comment as agreement. "I know, right? I fuckin' rock." He grinned, holding up his hand in the sign of the horns.

Charlie resisted the urge to sigh in frustration. She had to pull it together and get back to why she was here. Brushing off the awkwardness, she sat up straighter and forced a polite smile.

"Okay, Adam-Mister Adam, sir-"

"Please, call me dick master."

Charlie paused; her smile forced even wider as her teeth clenched. "-Mister Adam, you seem like a smart..." She hesitated for a second, thinking of a more charitable word she could find. "Well, stand-up guy."

"Uh-huh." Adam was picking his teeth with one of the rib bones, clearly not paying attention.

Charlie pressed on. "And I know you're the leader of the angels, a big thinker, a revolutionary.... a genius!"

Adam perked up a bit at that. "I mean, yeah. Your words, babe."

Charlie nodded eagerly, eyeing the large A on his robe. "And I bet you love putting your name on things, right?"

"Fuckin' love it!" Adam said, grinning proudly. "Putting my name on shit is the best!"

"Well, I have a solution to our biggest problem." Charlie said, leaning forward, her butt slowly rising from her seat. "A solution that if with your help, we can solve!"

Adam's expression changed to mild confusion. And for a moment he didn't say anything. The golden eyes on his mask blinked as a brow was raised until it came to him. "Oh, herpes! Yeah, that's a bitch."

Charlie shook her head, exasperated. "No! Our... other biggest problem."

Adam looked thoughtful for a second, then shrugged. "Ugly people? Math? Global warming?" He paused. "Nah, wait, that's Earth's problem."

Charlie stared at him in disbelief, deadpan and completely unamused. How is this the leader of Heaven's army? She could feel the least thread of her patience snapping.