Shadows of Revenge

36. More Than a Memory

Freen’s POV

Why? Why didn't I miss Becky like I missed Sarah?

That’s the question that’s been haunting me. The question that everyone seems to be asking, and honestly, I’ve asked myself the same thing over and over again. It’s like I’ve been running in circles, trapped in my own thoughts, unable to find an answer that makes sense.

When Sarah died, it felt like the world had collapsed. She was my first love. My everything. How could I not miss her every second of the day? Her laughter, her kindness, the way she’d smile at me as if I were the only person in the world. Losing her tore me apart in ways I still can’t describe. I kept holding on to her memory, to every small piece of her that was left, hoping it would somehow fill the void inside me.

But Becky… Becky was different. From the moment she stepped into my life, it was like she brought something new with her. A light that I didn’t even realize I needed.

So why didn’t I miss her when she left?

I think a part of me was afraid to. Afraid to admit that she mattered to me just as much, if not more, than Sarah. Afraid to acknowledge that I had fallen in love again, deeper than I thought was possible. It felt like a betrayal to Sarah’s memory to even think about loving someone else. So I buried those feelings, pushed them down until I could convince myself that all I needed was the past. I convinced myself that Sarah was the only one I could ever love.

But the truth? The truth is, Becky is more than Sarah’s shadow. She’s more than just someone who resembles what I once had with Sarah. She is her own person, and she showed me love in a way Sarah never could. Becky didn’t fill the void Sarah left—she created a new place in my heart, a place only she could fill.

Becky was the first person who made me laugh again after Sarah was gone. Not just the surface-level laughter to hide my pain but the kind of laughter that comes from somewhere deep inside. She didn’t just remind me of what I lost; she showed me what I still had left to live for. Her youth, her energy, her ability to see through the walls I built around myself—she made me feel alive in a way that Sarah never did.

With Sarah, it was a love I cherished, yes. But with Becky, it was a love that changed me, that challenged me to be something more than just a grieving woman. Becky didn’t just accept me for who I was—she pushed me to become someone better.

And now, looking back, I realize I didn’t miss Becky because I was afraid to admit how much I needed her. Missing her would have meant acknowledging that I had let her in, that she had become a part of me, maybe even a part of my future. I couldn’t allow that. I wasn’t ready to feel again, wasn’t ready to risk the pain of losing someone else I loved.

So, I clung to Sarah’s memory like a lifeline, because it was safe. I couldn’t lose Sarah again—she was already gone. But Becky… Becky could still hurt me. Loving her would mean opening myself up to that risk, and I wasn’t ready to face that.

But now I know…

It wasn’t just Sarah’s memory I was clinging to. It was my own fear of moving forward, of letting go, and allowing myself to be happy again. Becky was never just Sarah’s reflection. She’s the one who brought me back to life when I thought I’d never feel anything again. The one who made me realize that I still have love to give.

Becky is more than just a replacement for what I lost. She’s the one who showed me that love doesn’t end when someone leaves—it just changes, grows, becomes something new. And maybe, in all this confusion, I’ve realized that what I felt for Becky was always different, deeper than what I had with Sarah.

Sarah was my past. Becky… Becky is my future.

Now, all I need is to convince her of that. Convince her that she’s the one I truly love, not because she reminds me of Sarah, but because she’s Becky. Because she’s the one who makes me want to risk it all again.

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