The Secret Life of Blythe

22. Blythe

I watch the whole thing play out from the moment he enters the penthouse.  Pleased that they stay in the main room where the camera is.  I can only hear the grunts and moans of the debauchery if they're in the bedroom.  I scoff as she throws herself at him like a long lost lover when he arrives. I'm pleased when he deposits her to a chair. Then I get pissed off again as I watch him care for her, nipping off to run her a bath and then making her a meal. He's out of his mind if he thinks even that's ok by me. I thought he was going to stand steadfast today until I saw the exact moment his beast tried to take over.  It took some time but he surprised me again by controlling his urges and depositing her back in her own bed.  I watched his peaceful expression as he bedded down for the night on the sofa and when she came back out with the duvet in hand I wanted to slap her myself.  She just doesn't let up.  I watched them for hours, hating the way she was lying on top of him.  Their arms were visible but my paranoid mind was telling me something was going on under that duvet, there was too much of it on top of them to pick up any movement. Like a little while later when I'm sure I heard a grunt coming from the bedroom.  The music on in the background making it hard to tell.  I heard him ask if she was done in the bathroom and when she said she was I was happy to know she wasn't showering with him. It was quiet for at least fifteen minutes. I was sure I heard a muffled scream and a grunt but I was still riddled with jealously over the fact that he still slept cuddled up to her, it was still a betrayal even if for only doing that.  I was trying to see and hear things now. I've seen too much of the rough way they take each other over the weeks to get upset about that element of the affair. It's the intimate moments that hurt me more, the moments and the things that he'd only showed me in the past.

I enjoyed the moment when he finally seemed to be settled in to the idea that she wasn't what he wanted.  He finally realised that he didn't love her, regardless of it not reaching a climatic proposal as she expected.  In my eyes he had already given her that sacred part of himself, the part that is mine and by doing that he's already killed off some of the respect I have for him. Something happened in that bedroom, his indifference turned to hatred by the time they came out.  Although I didn't hear sexual intercourse.  That's another thing he'll have to explain to me. 

I enjoyed bringing them in to my world.  I could see how scared she was.  I could see how dry his throat was.  His panic when he saw my name on the list.  His embarrassment of her sex operation, when he knew what he felt was surgically enhanced.  I watched him scratching his nuts, paranoia taking over and then sickness coursing through him at her exploits.  The cruel words he spat at her with indifference in his eyes.  I enjoyed it all.  My dad was right.  Sometimes you have to be a bad person.  

I watch him leave the apartment, his feelings for her no more, disgust and regret swimming through his veins.  I'm satisfied that she won't ruin anymore marriages and satisfied that he knows a little about who I am now.  I left something in that dark chat room to tell him, as much. He'll be making his way back to California now like his arse is on fire, desperate to cling on to any hope he has of salvaging his marriage.

I make my decision hastily but I know it's the right one once I have. I need some space. Away from my sham of a marriage, Rory, all of it. I'm turning in to a version of myself that I don't like.  This isn't me, not really, I'm becoming bitter and vengeful because of Leo.  I need the stress to disappear not only for me but for my unborn son. I can claim that, now I know they aren't going to hurt us anymore.  Regardless of whether this marriage is over or not he won't ever see her again, not in an intimate way.  The way in which he was heaving over her sink solidified that for me, he truly is sickened.  He was able to unchain those shackles she had on him for so many years and without the crushing weight of her father's fury bearing down on him, she's couldn't stop him, for the first time he was able to free himself on his terms.  He knows she's the same piece of shit that she's always been, even though he so desperately wanted to believe she had changed.  He didn't want to believe that he had let her ruin his life yet again for her own pleasure, his pride and ego wouldn't let him see the clear picture that the rest of us did.  That small dark part of him, burnt and foolish but will hopefully diminish to nothingness over time.  Leo knows he can't trust his beast anymore.  This will mess with his head for a long time now, he'll go to war with himself, deny himself any sort of touch or pleasure and he'll hate what reflects him back in the mirror until he frees himself of the guilt of self sabotage.