The Secret Life of Blythe

25. Leo

Luca Romano. The name spins around in my head for hours. She let me name him, after everything I've put her through, she gave me that honour. I sleep better than I have for week's that night. Images of her and a faceless child playing in the garden and when I wake up in the morning, half of me wants to go back to sleep so I can dream of them again.

That small communication with her renews my strength, and for the next week I obsess over the nursery. I draw free hand and erase what I've done more times than any normal person would like to admit in my quest for perfection for them both. My drawing's were either too scary, not real enough, too big, too little but I eventually perfected the vision in my head. I chose pastel earthy tones, to fill it all in. So many shades of pale greens, beiges and creamy browns. On the month anniversary of Blythe leaving I hang up the mobile I searched high and low for over my son's crib and I stand back and take it all in. It's perfect and a wave on emotion knocks me off my feet. I haven't left the house since I started the drawing on the wall and to see it all come together now and knowing that my son will sleep in the room I've lovingly crafted for him, is too much for me today. I walk through the bedroom and wash my hands, the last bit of paint stubbornly dried to my nails, and when I look up in to the mirror I notice my eyes are blood shot, watery, I look real fucking sad today. I look the exact way as I feel, I need Blythe, I need to hold her, I need to look at her, anything.  I've never longed for anything so much in my life. 

I lay down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling fan, like I have so many times in the past. Usually thinking about happy thoughts, but today I can't shake the feeling that in four weeks time I may have to move out and leave my happily ever after. The house feel's comforting to me again now, like it's forgiven me for my indiscretion's now that I've been nurturing certain areas of it. It's indescribable how a house can make you feel this way, but this place is my sanctuary now, I don't want to leave it. I can't place myself living anywhere other than here with Blythe and my son and what I dreamed would be a houseful of kids. I always dreamed of four children, a big Italian family of six. Noise, shouting, arguments, I want all of it, but the longer she stays away the further it feels from my grasp. I imagine her forgetting about me and loving me less as the time goes on. Out of sight out of mind for her, where's my heart only grows and longs for her, the longer she stays away.

I'm feeling at an all time low so I decide to check in with my therapist. I try to explain how I'm feeling today. How I feel like she's slipping away from me as my feelings grow stronger for her. My guilt and shame grow stronger too. I tell him I can't face looking at myself in the mirror anymore. I'm growing a beard for the sheer fact that I hate shaving and looking at myself while I do it. He suggests that I break my pattern and go to the cinema or for a hike or something to change the scenery and I decide that I'll allow myself to wallow today and tomorrow I'll get some fresh air and do as he suggests.

That night I hit the gym harder than I have in week's and by the time I slip in to bed I'm exhausted, too tired to even think about my shitty life.

The sun rays hit my body through the window when I wake the next day, glad that yesterday is over. The light shining in through the window, takes me back to a time with Blythe when I would spend hours watching her under the very same light beams. She looked like an angel on those mornings, I would sometimes get emotional looking at her. I turn over and place my arm where she would have normally been sleeping soundly beside me. I smile sadly at the thought of her sleeping somewhere out there with a sore back. I'm unable to help her or sooth her, she loved the nest pillow I bought for her. I've thought about it several times, I don't know what she did with it. She couldn't have taken it on a flight with her. It's upsetting to think that she threw it away.  I would have done anything to sleep inside of it whilst she was away. It was heaven again for those few days, when I held her inside of it. I imagine her stomach much rounder, she will be glowing more than ever at this stage in her pregnancy. A sudden overbearing wave of emotion hits me and I sit up and sob in silence. My body shakes with long, wracking sobs, I can't stop them. Im traumatised by how I've treated her, how I fucked up my life. It doesn't feel like i was in my right mind now my heads cleared, I lost myself in grief and hatred in those weeks, I'm angry at my great grandfather for entering us in to a deal with the Emelio family all those generation before me. My grandfather and father were good men. I could see either of them working and leading a life of a much more caring and humane manner. Just how like I feel, I've thought long and hard about what I want to do with my life over these week's. If money were no object, there's nothing more I'd like to be then a stay at home dad. Spend every waking hour with my family. Cook for them and care for them and our castle. I can't imagine anything more satisfying right now. It's what has always been important to me deep down. The drugs and the fighting, the sex, the debauchery and crime filled life style where never what I wanted for myself. I wanted the life that i was living with Blythe. I had it too and I threw it away in a moment of madness.