The Secret Life of Blythe

27. Leo

By the time I open my eyes, it's mid morning.  My head throbs, my mouth dryer than sandpaper and the sun beams down on my face nearly blinding me.  I remember my email and from no where I sit up ramrod straight as panic overtakes me, I was brave with my words because i was drunk last night.  Will she have read it? She'll have seen it, I know she will have.  I rush to the shower and then  run down to the kitchen to drink my body weight in water along with some Advil.   The feeling of dread at what I might or might not see in my inbox settling deep in my stomach.  From somewhere I gather the strength to enter the office and load up my email.  I see her reply, it's just waiting for me to click on it.

From: Blythe Romano
To: Leonardo Romano
Subject: RE Soul mate

Leo,
Thank you for your honesty.  I feel your pain and the regret. I wish we had been more honest with each other at the start.  I was hiding things I shouldn't have been too.  I was more concerned with figuring out my own things, just like you.  If I'd have helped you with yours maybe you wouldn't have gone down that road.  Who knows? I can't remove the image of you two together in that video.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at you without that image ruining my day.  I promise to try and not let it affect whatever friendship we build.  Our son shouldn't suffer for our past mistakes.  I want him growing up in a happy home and until such a time that you want to go out on your own I'm happy for you to stay and be a family but I can't offer you intimacy Leo, I'm sorry I just can't. 

Your son is making a riot on my ribs. You will love watching him wriggle around now. I'll make sure you have enough time to bond with him again before he joins us in the real world.
See you soon,
Blythe

It's not what I want to hear. It's the exact opposite in fact.  There isn't a scenario in the world where I'm happy never being intimate with her again.  I'll wait, I'll wait for however long it takes, years if need be.  I'm never leaving her or my son, not ever.  This is our home, all three of us will live here and we'll be damn happy.  I'll move mountain or water to make that dream come alive again, I'm more determined than ever.  She's got three more children to give me yet.  I'm having four and she's the mother of all of them and I won't accept anything less for myself or her.  There's no man that will treat her as I will, if she thinks what we had was a dream before, she hasn't seen anything yet.  I rest my head on the table and soak up the energy she's given me from her rejection.  The more she pushes me away the more determined I am to be the man and more that she always thought i was.  I rise from the chair with a renewed purpose, I think about shaving and then decide that I like my new look, I hope she does too from what she's seen during her little stunt. If she doesn't like it, I'll shave it all off for her, it's as simple as that.

I make my way in to the gym, I lift weights and run until I'm dead on my feet. I make up a baby gym, and hang the clothes I've bought for him in his wardrobe. I read books on parenting. I go to the timber yard and buy a purpose crafted baby swing to build myself in the garden. I do everything I can think about to make Blythe and my baby boy happy. A package arrives later that day.  It's my favourite thing yet and I mount it on the wall in his nursery.  It's the picture she sent me of his foot and it's also my screen saver, I've spent hours looking at it and imagining my hand on her stomach when he kicks, my blood thumps through my body with a desperation I've never felt before, I need to hold her in my arms, my tether to her making my heart ache in pain. 

At the end of that week I walk around the house like a proud daddy bear. I don't put the baby things away, I don't want the house to look like we don't live here anymore. I keep it spotless but I like seeing the baby books on the table and the baby steriliser on the kitchen worktop. It makes me happy seeing it. I long for her more each day, it's becoming uncomfortable now as more days pass, but now instead of just pining, I can feel my excitement beginning to grow, knowing she's due back soon. It may be delusional to think she'll let me hold her but I have to have hope from somewhere, I'm hoping she'll see the desperation in me and give me that one thing.