azul es el color más cálido.

White Flag

Un sentimiento inquietante se apodero de mi hoy, es algo que no habia sentido desde hace mucho tiempo, y debo decir que no es precisamente lindo. Siento algo abrumador, mas alla de lo que puedo describir, me tomó desprevenida, totalmente. No estaba preparada para bajar la guardia contigo una vez mas, y aunque lo intenté, en el fondo, sabia a lo que me estaba arriesgando. Tengo miedo. Mucho miedo... a veces siento como se me arruga el pecho y el corazon al imaginar que por una casualidad de la vida hoy estas aqui de nuevo, pero no se si mañana lo estaras, tengo miedo de que el día de mañana decidas que this is more that what you asked for and this overwhelming feeling gets you and you decide to run away...no me di cuenta el momento exacto en el que me descuidé y te dejé entrar nuevamente...ahora estoy aqui, conociendo a una version adulta de ti, testing each other's boundaries while navigating the blurred line between the past and the present. And I'm afraid to admitt what I don't want to acknowledge, that I'm still being this teenage me who thought that you were her world. Pero esta vez, he aprendido a ser mas cautelosa con mi corazon y mis sentimientos, no puedo permitirme esto...aunque se me vaya a salir el corazon. Even If I don't want to ever let you go again...

I need to protect myself, cause even thought I know that you still care for me, everything It's uncertain, and when I give my heart there is no turning back at this point. Are you willing to fight? Are we ever gonna make it? Nos vamos a permitir ser felices, por fin? Todas esas preguntas pasan por mi cabeza a diario, esperando encontrar las respuestas al final del tunel, algo... una pista, algo que me diga: si, no te rindas, mira como hemos llegado hasta aqui, just hold on a little longer... O, no seas estupida date cuenta que no hay chance de que suceda.

Pero estaria completamente loca si simplemente decido creer algo asi por escuchar a mi estupido corazon, asi que, creo que lo mejor que te puedo ofrecer en esto momento es mi amistad sincera, porque la verdad no se que esperar de ti... hay veces que me siento tan segura de todo, y otras veces me confundes tanto. Se que aún no estas preparado emocionalmente para algo asi, por esa razon no quiero apresurar esto, quiero mantenerlo intacto y seguir apoyándote a pesar de las circunstancias, sabes que te prometí que siempre podrías contar conmigo para lo que sea, y aunque tenga que ser solo tu amiga, es mucho mejor que no tener nada de ti...ya te perdí una vez y eso me destrozó completamente...no se si podría soportar una mas. Justo cuando me había convencido con mi vida de que ya no te necesitaba, de que por fin estaba saliendo adelante, luego apareces, y me pones el mundo de cabeza, me recuerdas esa parte de mi que había perdido y que tanto anhelaba recuperar, me haces ver otras partes de ti que no conocía y me haces sentir como si te estuviera conociendo nuevamente, todo por primera vez, y lo loco es que se siente como si no hubiese pasado un solo día, todo aquello sigue allí, underlying, unresolved. But now I feel that this is different. I'm not under the expectation of the image of you, even though it took me a long time to heal that and gain my trust back, even though it took me long time to forget you for lying about your identity, I realized that I have loved you all of this time without even knowing who you are, so who cares actually? I think I just truly love your soul. Even though I'm not gonna lie, I long for this, for knowing your reality and finally feel that you're not afraid to show it anymore.

But maybe that's too much to ask, knowing the scars that you carry through and the things that you've been hiding your whole live, it's not an easy thing to do, but I'm grateful to get to know you emotionally in that part at least.

It doesn't make me feel good knowing that I just want to love you, but maybe you don't know how to receive that, that's why I'm holding myself back. Because I will not be ready until you're ready and I hope you are, someday.

Meanwhile, I will remain here, as always, under the shadows, in the palm tree breeze, collecting memories of the ''what could be.''

But I guess that's the price to pay to love someone so plenty, you cannot try to fix someone if that someone doesn't want to be fixed. The only thing you can do is to love them, and they'll decide what to do with all of this. And I think at the end, this is where actual love relies on, not wanting to possess the subject in question, but want them free...to come as they go, and go as they please. That's how much I care for you, selflessly, even childish sometimes, you can call me naive, but I can assure that for me, this had only happened once In a lifetime, and I'll hold on to that, because that's who I am. And I'm sorry to look like ''the marthir'' you can even call me masochist, but when you feel like that for someone you love, you don't regret anything. That's what makes it pure.