Shattered Reflections

Chapter 10

Ava

I sat in the doctor's office, the air heavy with unspoken words. Taking a deep breath, I began to share everything that had happened in my life—the arguments with my parents, the pressure to conform, and the feeling of being misunderstood.

As I spoke, memories flowed freely: the moments of joy, the stinging hurt of rejection, and the weight of expectations. The doctor listened intently, nodding as I unraveled my thoughts. With every word, I felt a little lighter, as if the burden I had been carrying was slowly being lifted.

I found solace in the fact that I could finally express my feelings without fear of judgment. It was a small step, but a significant one toward understanding myself and finding my way forward.

"What happened when you called Peter that day?" the doctor asked.

"We were just figuring out where to meet the next day," I replied, my voice shaking as the memory flooded back.

September 2019

"Hey, Ava."

"Hi, Peter. How's it going?"

"Good, because I met you."

My cheeks flushed at his words.

"So, what are we doing today?" I asked, trying to keep my composure.

He looked deep into my eyes and said, "Have you ever been kissed?"

"No, I haven't. Why are you asking?"

"What about we try?" he suggested, a playful smile on his lips.

That moment felt surreal, a mix of excitement and fear. I could still feel the rush of emotions as I replayed that day in my mind, the thrill of something new and the weight of the unknown.

August 2024

"What did you do? Did you kiss him?" the doctor pressed gently.

I took the longest breath I could muster, feeling the weight of my words.

"I killed him," I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

The room fell silent, the gravity of my statement hanging in the air. I could see the doctor's eyebrows furrow in confusion, but I could also feel the knot in my stomach tightening.

"It wasn't literal," I added quickly, my heart racing. "But in that moment, I felt like I destroyed everything—my innocence, my trust. The pressure, the expectations, it all crushed me. I never wanted it to end like that."

The memory loomed large, a haunting reminder of the choices I had made and the consequences that followed. I could see the concern in the doctor's eyes, and I knew I had to unpack this further.

September 2019

"No, thank you," I said firmly.

"Why, Ava?" he pressed, confusion etching his features.

"I can't kiss you," I replied, my heart racing.

"Why!!!" he exclaimed, his frustration evident.

"Because we're not married, Peter! And if my parents knew, they would kill me!" I shot back, feeling the weight of my upbringing bear down on me.

"Again, your parents?" he sighed, exasperated.

"Okay, fine, not just my parents, but I'll regret this afterwards," I insisted, trying to hold my ground.

"Ava, listen to me. I said we could try," he urged, his eyes pleading.

"And I said no," I reiterated, my voice steady but my insides churning.

In that moment, I felt torn between the thrill of the unknown and the deep-seated fears that had been instilled in me. I could see the disappointment in his eyes, and it only amplified my sense of conflict. I wanted to be bold, to embrace the moment, but the fear of consequences held me back.

August 2024

"How did you kill him?" the doctor asked, his tone calm but probing.

I hesitated, my mind racing. I didn't know what to say. The truth was too complicated, too raw.

"I didn't... not in a literal sense," I finally managed, my voice trembling. "It was more like I... I shut him out. I pushed him away. I rejected something that could have been beautiful."

The doctor nodded, encouraging me to continue.

"By saying no, I feel like I killed what could have been between us. I ended something before it even started. It felt like I lost a part of myself that day."

I could feel tears welling up, the weight of my choices pressing down on me. It wasn't just about the kiss; it was about the fear that had always held me back.