six feet under

𝘃𝗶𝗶𝗶; 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘦𝘯𝘥

over and over; lost again with no surprises
disappointments, close your eyes
and it gets colder and colder
when the sun goes down¹

______  ˎˊ˗  ______

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I could say it's the Flare messing up with my head, but if it is a deadly brain-eater disease, it certainly isn't an excuse. At least, not for the words I wrote yesterday.

I'm so sorry Tommy.

I thought of ripping the pages off, but I can't even look at them.

See ? That's why I left you and Minho and the others. That's why I let them bring me to this awful place. That's why I couldn't stay with you, and you couldn't stay with me.

I tried to keep control of what I write. We both know I'm dying. And I know you'll miss me. Maybe not as much as I'd miss you if it was you turning into a Crank and living your last days surrounded by them. But you'll miss me.

You have to imagine what it's like to be me, right now. Of course you can't know everything. On another hand, you learned more about me in the past few days than in the whole time since we've known each other. You knew I had been a runner before my limp, but you didn't know it wasn't the unfortunate accident people told you about. You knew I was a loyal friend, but you didn't know that I wasn't staying by your side only because you were our leader.

Yet I have to make it easier for you. To make the right choices, when I am now the least able to make the right decisions among all of us.

Another point you need to be aware of to feel like I feel : I knew I was going to die the moment Ratman read his bloody list in front of us. I knew I was going to die, but these last few days it feels like it's becoming much more real, while everything else is fading away. The only certainty I have left is this one. And it's terrifying.

"Life hasn't been that great, anyway." That's what I told you that day. I meant it - I only lied when I said I wasn't worried about the Flare. The thing I can't get over is, life hasn't been great, but it could've been. It would've been, if I had more time. I couldn't see it when I threw myself from that wall, but now I can. Somehow hope is what I'm really cursed with. And it's wrecking me inside faster than the Flare ever could.

If it has to end, let it end.

As you could see yesterday, I am not strong enough anymore to resist the temptation of unfolding everything we left unfinished.

*

I hope you and Minho had your implants removed by this guy. I hope you are finally free from the WICKED. I hope you ran away and you're very, very far from here, and they can never find you again.

I hope you can have the future we wished for, back in the Glade. I hope you live happily ever after. I hope you enjoy every second of it, would it be only for the ones who didn't make it. Including me. I hope you'll be happy for me.

I hope you all live in the same neighbourhood, have kids, I hope they get to have the childhood WICKED stole us.

Most of all, I hope you're safe. Even if it means you're away from me.

*

Can I ask you something ?

Obviously you can't answer, so I'll just assume it's a yes.

I have a sister, you remember ? Her name is Sonya. I'm pretty sure I told you about it in the first pages of this journal, but I don't really trust myself anymore.

I remember her from before the Maze, but I couldn't tell you anything about her now. If she got her memories back as the majority of Group B did, she must remember me...

I hate having to give up on her. I'm her big brother. I'm supposed to be the one comforting her. Instead, I'm leaving her with memories of a brother who died before she could even meet him. She won't even know I remember her, and I can't do anything about it.

However, you can.

I don't even know if she's alive. If she made it, or if she died in her Maze, or later in the Scorch, or if she's releasing her last breath at this precise moment. On another hand, I know she's immune. It might be the first time ever the universe grants me what I want, but it is the only wish that really matters. She's immune.

So when you're all free, you can find her. And you can tell her I remember. Tell her I remember how brave she was - a lot braver than me. Tell her I want her to be happy. And tell her I love her.

And maybe you can look after her, if she lets you.

*

I've never felt so lost, Tommy.

______  ˎˊ˗  ______

¹lyrics are from 'coney island' by taylor swift & the national