A Coin Flip

Chapter 5: Developing Feelings

Azul

~~~

It was a calm flight so far. We've been in the air for a couple hours now, still don't know where we're going but, I trust Delta with these things. I'm sure he has this all figured out.

Through the cockpit windshield I could see the whole night sky. The stars where especially beautiful this night. I've been looking at them for quite some time now. Admiring each little drop of light in this canvas of darkness.

But occasionally something else would attract my attention. Or more accurately someone. Every so often I glance to my left and look at the sleeping gray protogen that I've grown so fond of. 

There was just something about him that enticed me to look more. He looked so peaceful sitting there. His facial expression was so calm and collected. That sure is a face I could get use to.

 He looks nothing like how I would see him while he was awake. He always had so much on his mind, but when I see him like this, all I see is him. No worries, no responsibilities, Just how he would be if we didn't have to fight. 

In a way, he looked kinda cute. like I could go up and cuddle with him and all my worries would just melt away into his soft fur, just as it looked his concerns had. If only I could, if only I could tell him how I really felt, but I'm too scared to. I'm scared if I do tell him how he makes me feel, he'll think different of me, or think I'm weird for feeling like this towards him.

This is all so new to me. Before now I've never had feeling like this, and especially not towards another boy. Back at base camp I've heard stories about some of the recruits having relationships with each other, but they were always shamed by the higher-ups for doing so.

They considered it a distraction from our duties. We were never allowed to have significant others, and if the wrong person found out you were in a relationship with a person that was the same gender as you. It wouldn't be a very pleasant life for you.

It reminds me of an old friend of mine. His name was Charlie. He told me one day he was secretly in a relationship with another boy. He would sometimes describe the feelings he felt and the ways him and his partner would interact. He really did seem happy just the way he was. A lot happier than most of the other soldiers. 

But one day, he didn't look so happy anymore. He would never smile and hardly ever spoke. It turns out his boyfriend was killed by one of the drill sergeants, and he found out in one of the worst possible ways. By seeing it happen with your own eyes, and not being able to stop it. 

I finally found out what happen a few weeks after the incident, when I found a note under my pillow one day. It described how he walked into a janitor's closet one night and saw the ending of his lover, seeing the drill sergeant walk out of that closet meer moments before he entered.

In the note he said it was the worst thing he could've imagined. Seeing his partners final moments in the state he was in. Apparently someone had told the drill sergeant that his partner was secretly dating another boy, and it all went down from there. The note ends off by saying I was always a good friend to him, and that he appreciated that I'd kept his secret. I never saw him again after that. I can only imagine what he did after he wrote that note. 

I sometimes fantasize about what a relationship with Delta would look like, but past memories like that one hold me back from just asking him if... If he likes me the same way I like him.

I've never got the impression that he likes boys. He always treated me like a little brother. I guess there was some moments where he showed a little of what he felt. Like earlier today when he got all worked up when someone told us we were flirting, but I wouldn't consider that showing that he likes me in that way. There could be other reasons for that reaction too.