Taking A Chance On Love || m.t.

十七 Silent Separation

Living with my parents was another thing I had to get used to. It was strange: I spent my whole life doing so, and yet the past few years that I spent first living alone, then being married, created a new normal that made adjusting a little difficult. I woke up most mornings wondering sleepily why I was so cold, only to realize as I patted the vast space of my bed that Mark wasn't there. This usually hurt my mood, but since I had made the decision to come out here, I did what I could to pass the day without thinking of him. To keep myself busy, I went back to full time work with the Korean company I worked for before I got pregnant. I took all of my meetings by video and conference calls, including the clients I had that still decided to keep their accounts with me. I threw myself into my work, often working until late at night just so I could fall into bed and sleep without any thoughts plaguing my mind. Any free time I still had, I also exercised, went on long walks, read, knitted, crocheted, cooked... anything to get my mind off Mark and the fact that neither of us had talked to the other since I left. 

I knew he had spoken briefly to my parents because I heard my mother the day after I came back telling him I was safe. And yet, despite leaving, I yearned for his voice. I longed for his touch. My heart pined after him despite my head telling me it was good that I left. Every single day, my mind and heart waged war on the battlefield of my body. I thought I had made a good decision when I first left, but each day since had me questioning why I left, and why I still hadn't gone back. On one hand I kept myself going by pridefully thinking it was up to Mark to reach out to me because of this excuse or that reason. But deep down, in another part of myself, I knew I was scared. I was scared that if I reached out to him or went back, I would find out he didn't miss me, or worse...didn't love me anymore. I was so sure at first that I could divorce him, but it became clear as soon as I cooled off that Mark had become an irreplaceable part of my life. If he was lost to me forever, I would never be able to fill that gap again. 

I tried to stay out of anything to do with Mark, muting every group chat he had added me to and muting all social media. I eventually gave in after a week, desperate to see his face one more time. I pulled up SNS and saw the GOT7 members had posted their usual promos and daily life photos. In every photo Mark had posted or was tagged in, he was smiling and laughing. Although he looked fine to most people, as his wife of 2 years and the person who was closest to him for 3 years straight, it was clear that he wasn't sleeping well, his smiles never reached his eyes, and he wasn't in good condition. It broke my heart, knowing it had something to do with me. Despite that, my fear of being unwanted held me back from reaching out to him. 

One day, I received an email from GOT7's PR team. Unwilling but knowing I had to deal with this, I waited a few hours before opening it, ignoring the salutations as I scanned the content:

Our records indicate you left the country 2 weeks ago after a disagreement with your husband Mr. Tuan. After speaking with Mr. Tuan, we have discussed a public relations plan as follows: 

If you and Mr. Tuan are merely separated, then you may take the time that you need before returning. We strongly advise that you act as though you are on a personal vacation, and make no public moves indicating otherwise. We have since released news to that effect, so it will be detrimental to you if your actions are contrary. However, if you and Mr. Tuan wish to divorce, we must be notified in advance in order to make the transition seamless for all relevant parties. 

It is of the utmost importance that you do not disregard this email. We understand this is a difficult time, but it is our job to ensure that the company's reputation and that of its employees remains intact through any situations. We are certain you understand the implications, so we will not comment further on them. 

We await your immediate response and may be reached through email or phone. Thank you in advance for your consideration in this matter.

After reading the email, I rolled my eyes. The content was well within my expectations, so I sent them a short, noncommittal response indicating I had received the email and would update them as necessary before tossing my phone aside. It was clear that I had made them ansty in the 2 weeks I had gone without notifying them, but I knew I would not make any major legal decisions without them knowing. I just hadn't yet made a decision. Although I regretted my actions, I wasn't sure if it was possible that Mark and I could ever reconcile due to Mark thinking I was a burden. The last thing I wanted was to be a burden to someone I loved.

Mark was a star, an unattainable being. I knew it was too good to be true when we met, and it felt like reality was finally reminding me of the consequences of daydreaming. Yet...my heart kept pining for that star. I couldn't help but be dazzled by his light, be it the light in his eyes as he performed, or his bright smile as he laughed. I was greedy, and wanted to bask in that light...to be the reason for that light. I wanted it all. And yet as I chased the light, I ignored how we were worlds apart. I ignored the heat as I chased the glow, forgetting that stars were gleaming orbs of fire. Until I was burned. I could no longer deny that being near that star could burn me, but I still yearned for him. My heart still burned for that star that burned so bright I had to shield my eyes. What I was most afraid of was that despite being burned, I only wished to make myself fireproof so I could embrace him entirely. 

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A/N: We're so close to the end! Also, I'm so proud of that last paragraph for some reason that I actually screenshot my draft and showed it in the Wattpad writers Discord I'm in lol.

Also it's so funny but the easiest part of this was writing the email. I write business emails so often that I barely did any thinking as I typed it.

This chapter is short because when I finished writing I realised it was way too long. But I've got a surprise: Mark's POV (probably his only one) is the focus of next week's chapter! It's all written out already, and I can't wait to share it with you all!