Taking A Chance On Love || m.t.

十八 Hard Truths

On the other side of the world, Mark was also worried about being a burden to his love. For the past 2 weeks, he had been struggling daily, caught between wanting to reach out to his wife, yet worried that he would just make things worse. He wasn't blind, he knew Essie had been struggling since they married, and that some of it was indeed his fault. Part of him had been wondering if Essie leaving him was a good idea.

"After all, that way she won't have to deal with the consequences of being married to me," he thought guiltily.

Mark knew acutely how difficult the life of a celebrity was, and for many years, he accepted it. He'd never expected to find love anyway. He never felt anything more than friendship or familial affection toward anyone, so he assumed he would be forever alone and was completely fine with that. Until Essie showed up. He felt drawn to her, like a moth toward a flame. Except instead of a tiny flame, she was like the sun. Bright, bubbly, and warm, she was a joy to be around. She made him wonder for the first time in his life if he could truly be a lover, someone's soulmate.

And yet now, he destroyed that with his own two hands. He was reminded of Icarus, boldly flying toward the sun, chasing something he could never possess. Yes, Essie was bright. Too bright. He was also perceived to be a star in his own right, and yet Essie was entirely different, in a completely different galaxy. She was so captivating that it felt like she pulled everyone into orbit, like she was the center of the universe. Of his universe. And now that she was gone, he felt like a rock, aimlessly hurtling through space without a light or guide.

As he went through the daily motions of his life now that she was gone, it was clear to anyone who knew Mark that he was becoming a shell of himself. Even some eagle-eyed Ahgases noticed and discussed it on SNS. Assuming it was because of the recent news of miscarriage, they sent him thoughtful and heartfelt messages to stay strong, while some asked about Essie, hoping she was doing okay. He also wished he knew how Essie was, but besides that measly 2 minute call from her parents saying she was "safe and sound", he knew nothing.

After 15 days, Jackson barged into his apartment, interrupting his reverie.

"Get up, we're going out," he declared with purpose.

"No, I'm good," Mark replied weakly.

"You don't have a choice Mark, there's no way I'm letting you sit here and mope for another second. Up, up, up!" Jackson scolded, lightly kicking Mark's legs until he reluctantly got up and left the apartment with him.

"Where are we going?" Mark asked as Jackson drove.

"To Jinyoung's place, you need to stop shutting other people out and actually talk to us for once. You haven't said a word about what happened with Essie or why she's gone. So let's go and we can talk over food and drinks." Jackson said, leaving no room for discussion.

Mark frowned, knowing it was time to tell the members everything even though he really didn't want to. By the time all 7 members had gathered around Jinyoung's food laden table, everyone was curious, waiting for Mark to spill the beans.With a sigh and a hefty swig of his drink, he told them everything about that night when everything all went horribly wrong and he was plunged into darkness by the loss of his sun. Once he finished, there was silence. Everyone was pensive until Yugyeom spoke up.

"Dude...you really messed up. If that's really what happened, then no wonder she left you. I'm surprised she even lasted this long."

"Gyeom!" Bambam whispered fiercely, to which Yugyeom shrugged in reply, muttering something about how someone had to say what they were all thinking.

"No, he's right," Jinyoung stated calmly. "You sent her away with your own actions. But what's important isn't just knowing you messed up. What are you going to do about this?"

"That's the thing, I don't know," Mark said in frustration. "I want to get her back, obviously. I love her, and frankly I feel like I'm missing half of myself. Life without her has been like I'm merely existing." He stopped abruptly.

"But...?" Jackson prompted, sensing there was more.

"But...I also feel like I have no right to ask her back after what I said, and..." he paused, unwilling to give voice to the thoughts he'd been having lately. "And...I keep thinking...maybe it's best if I let her go. She'll finally be safe, she can live her life, and maybe she'll even be...happier," he finished, choking up on the last word.

Jaebum wrapped an arm around him in silent comfort, exchanging looks with the other 5 members as Mark buried his head in his hands.

"Okay, put yourself in Essie's shoes, Mark. Would you want someone to make that decision for you? For someone else to decide what makes you happy?" Youngjae asked quietly.

Mark looked up, confused. "What are you getting at?"

"I'm just saying I think you should talk to her. You can't expect to know what she would want until you let her tell you herself," Youngjae replied.

"But I'm afraid I might somehow be in the way, like maybe I might accidentally sway her in a way she wouldn't want if I had given her space," Mark fumbled uncertainly.

"Mark. Essie's an intelligent woman, you know she can think for herself. I get what you're saying, that you don't want a repeat of convincing her to do something she ends up regretting, but you still can't make that decision for her," Jaebum said.

"Am I making that decision for her?" Mark asked, alarm creeping into his voice.

"Yeah, man. You're taking away her right to make her own decision by not talking with her and asking what she wants. If you go ahead with anything, you're basically saying her opinion doesn't matter to you," Jackson said frankly.

"But that's not true!" Mark protested.

"No, it's not, but that's what you'd be doing to her whether you intended it or not. Talk to her, discuss things. That's how things got this bad in the first place, you both kept avoiding difficult conversations after you got married. Go back to being the couple we all envied for how well you communicated and understood each other," Bambam insisted.

Mark looked around at his 6 friends silently, taking in all they said. He was most afraid of facing her and having her tell him to his face that she wanted nothing to do with him. But the guys were right and he knew it. Essie was always making sacrifices for him, it was time he also bit the bullet and did something. He didn't want to lose her, and needed to tell her as much. She probably still felt like she was a burden, and it was up to him to tell her how he truly felt about her. Whether she wanted to stay or leave, he needed to hear it from her.

Mark suddenly stood up, startling his friends. He grabbed his phone, sent a quick text, and looked back to his friends.

"Thank you for getting me out of my own head," he said gratefully. "I needed this. And now...I'm going to talk to Essie. Face to face."

They all nodded understandingly as he grabbed his wallet with his phone, immediately calling the company to arrange for him to go to America as soon as possible.

As he was leaving, Jaebum called out playfully, "Go get our sister back, I still haven't figured out how she makes her homemade black pepper."

Everyone laughed heartily, the sound bolstering Mark's confidence a little more as he left. He wasn't sure how he would go about this, but a beautiful woman once told him, "if we try to plan everything, we might plan opportunities right out of our lives."

"How fitting," he thought to himself, taking one step closer to the bright sun that meant so much to him.

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A/N: That last quote (from Chapter 2) is the underlying premise of this story. I personally am a very Type A person, I like planning and hate surprises. But at the same time, some of my best memories were serendipitous, happy accidents. So I wrote that line "if we try to plan everything, we might plan opportunities right out of our lives" mainly to remind myself of why this book happened. If Essie hadn't thought that way, the couple's story would have ended after the first chapter.