guilt • phan

Chapter 1

Phil

I stared down at my black shoes as I continued my way to my next class, occasionally looking up ever so slightly to make sure I didn't bump into someone. For me, this was the best way to stay unnoticed by my fellow students. Of course, they could all still see me, but as long as I didn't make eye contact, they wouldn't hurt me. I hoisted my bag higher up my shoulder and turned around a corner. Normally, I would look around the corner before I actually turn, again to make sure that no one gets bumped into, but today, I was to far zoned off into my own thoughts to even bother. So there I went, minding my own business, when I felt a huge impact, all the air leaving my lungs. I cursed under my breath, and looked up, but immediately regretted that choice. A dark haired boy looked down at me, with narrowed eyes filled with anger. I opened my mouth to apologize, but no words came. His intimidating look made them get stuck in my throat. I just stood there, unable to speak. He was in fact able to speak, and he sure wasn't afraid of using that privilege. "What the fuck," he shouted, "watch where you're going, fag!"

It was only then I realized who I had bumped into.

I had crashed into Dan Howell, known to be the ruler of our school, and if that's not enough, he's also very homophobic and very violent. And I, the one that gets accused of being gay by almost everyone including Dan himself, bumped into him. I shuffled back in silence, trying to keep a safe distance. I opened my mouth again, and managed to mutter an apology this time. "S-sorry," I whispered, wondering if he was even able to hear me. He scoffed, making clear that he had actually heard me, and pushed me out of his way. He then rushed past me, seeming to have forgotten my existence. I was left standing there, feeling the eyes of other students in my back, silently judging me from afar.

after class

I let out the sigh I had been holding all day as the sound of the school bell ringing filled the air. I gathered all my belongings and stuffed them in my bag, hoisting it up on my shoulders and entering the hallways. They were filled with students chatting and laughing, so I dropped my head again to stare at the ground as I made my way to the exit. My hand searched the back pocket of my jeans for my earphones and I plugged them in my phone, blocking out the laughter and chit-chat erupting from everyone in the hallway.

Luckily, my house was only a few minutes away from school, so I was able to walk from home to school and back. I crossed the parking lot outside my school towards the gate, when a sudden wave of laughter, loud enough to be heard over the music blaring in my ears, filled the air. I looked up, wondering what was able to make a noise so loud, and my eyes found Dan and his group of friends at the other side of the parking lot, looking at me and laughing. I immediately felt my cheeks heat up in embarrassment and I quickly returned my gaze to my shoes. I quickened my pace, eager to get home and lock myself in my room for the rest of the day, not wanting to make human contact ever again, but knowing that human contact was inevitable.

I continued my way down the pavement just outside the school as a familiar voice shouted something at me. "Where are you going, faggot? You don't think I'm done with you just yet, do you?" I looked over my shoulder, my eyes locking with Dan's as he and a few of his friends turned around the corner a couple meters behind me. They were all still laughing, but this time their eyes were filled with evil. So I started to run.

They are going to hurt me.

They are going to hurt me.

The phrase repeated itself in my head over and over, and I ran as fast as I could. I knew I was only a couple of blocks away from the safe zone called my house, but if they followed me all the way to there, they would know where I lived, and god knows what would happen then. So I decided to head in another direction, turning left where I was supposed to turn right. I turned around another corner, and entered a small, dark alley, hoping Dan didn't see me going into the alley.

But of course I had no such luck.

The laughter and excited shouts came closer every second, to the point where I knew they were about to pass the entrance to the alley I was hiding in. I lowered my head and closed my eyes, fearing for my life, when the laughter suddenly stopped. My eyes fluttered open, thinking I was safe, but the only thing I saw was 4 pairs of shoes standing in front of me.

I looked up ever so slightly, facing him. He was wearing all black, and looking at me with a slightly evil smirk.

"You think you could hide from us, Phil? Too bad, because you can't. We will always find you." he said in a dark, low voice. His friends chuckled darkly in response.

And that's when the first punch made impact.

I doubled over and fell on the cold concrete ground, clutching my stomach where his fist had hit me. A black shoe hit my ribcage, and I swear I could hear a crack. Another kick followed, this time to my temple, and the next thing I knew was everything slowly fading into black. The last thing I heard was his laugh filling the air, completely blacking out after that.