You, Again

Snapped Back to Reality

Devin shook her head back to the present. She looked around her room. My god, how had it gotten into such disarray? She could blame Christian. Isn't that what she always did? Blame someone else for her circumstances. She could easily shake her fist up at the spy and curse his name under her breathe as she began the daunting task of sitting down and checking her back account. But what good would it do? She didn't even know where he was anymore. Last she checked it was Argentina. Before that it had been the desert in Sedona. One time it had been Japan. The less she knew about him the better. It was a specific type of pain when she opened Instagram and saw him jaunting across the globe.

She sighed and looked around once again. What would Christian think of her now? The plants she purchased with so much hope sat on her window sill dying a slow, painful death. Her college diploma was shoved somewhere under her bed along with the photo albums she painstakingly made each year.

"Hey Devin, Dad and I are going out. Do you want to come?" Her mom Joan peaked her head into the room.

"What in the world?" Joan looked around and sighed.

"Devin, if you're going to continue living with us, can you at least pick your clothes up off the floor?"

"I was looking for something." Devin dropped another article of clothing onto the floor in front of her.

"What could you possibly be looking for? You had to go through every piece of clothing you owned to find it?"

Devin bit her tongue. The short answer was yes. But she couldn't bring herself to explain that to Joan. It wasn't the right time.

"Don't worry about it. I'll clean this up. Sorry mom." Devin tried to avoid her mother's eyes. They had a way of boring into her soul that made her feel loved and judged at the same time. She supposed that's what most kids felt towards their moms. For them to be capable of unconditional love, it was probably highly likely they kept some judgment in their back pocket just to keep things interesting.

"Honey..." Devin dragged her eyes up from the floor to make eye contact. As predicted, Joan's eyes conveyed intense worry which Devin had been seeing far too often for her liking. But today, they conveyed something more.

"Devin, I just..." Oh no. Abort, abort, abort. Devin should have known better. Her mother's eyes not only conveyed worry but they had an agenda. Damn it. She glanced behind Joan's head. The door was too far away for her to have a logical escape. She would have to sit here and take this one.

"I just wanted to ask – how is the job hunt going? I know you said you've been submitting resumes and I'm sure you're waiting to hear back from places. But maybe it's time to ask for some help. You know your dad and I would be happy to speak to a few people on your behalf. I'm sure you could always call up Rosie and see if she has anything available. There's no shame in going back."

Devin could feel her mom's eagerness. The way she was trying to connect with her made her heart hurt. It wasn't Joan's fault her daughter was a fuck up. Her parents had done everything right. They paid for her college in full. They helped her get her first job with Rosie at the theater. They came to all of her shows and told all of their friends about her mediocre successes. It wasn't their fault that Devin couldn't make something of herself. It was entirely her own.

She took a deep breath and tried not to sound combative. Her defenses were so high recently that she forgot what it felt like to be easy going.

"Mom, I know. I'm trying. I just – I can't call Rosie. I really want to make a name for myself and yes the process is slow." It was excruciatingly slow. Mainly because every resume Devin had sent out was promptly rejected. She was wholly unqualified to do anything but work in theater. It was a place she loved but had grown to resent. Any feelings of positivity she once carried had been replaced with the bitter, burning sensation of shame rising up in her throat. No, she wouldn't go back. She couldn't.

"I know you want me to succeed and I'm trying to save money. I really am. I'm sorry I'm back here with you. I didn't think it would go like this." It being her entire life imploding in the course of a year. Twelve whole months of chaos culminating in one fell swoop of utter rejection on all fronts. She was burned and burnt out. She couldn't bring herself to care about anything other than licking her wounds at the moment and what better place to do it than at home.

"As long as you're trying, we're proud of you. You know we're always here for you right? You always have a room here. I don't want you to feel bad about being with us. I know it doesn't feel great to be back with your parents but we love having you here. I just wish you were happier." She gave Devin a hug, one of those tight squeeze the air right out of you hugs.

"I love you more than you could possibly know" she whispered into her hair. Devin squeezed her fists into a tight ball and reached her arms around her mom in return, not releasing the tension. If she did, she would crumble. She wouldn't be able to piece herself back together. She hugged her mom and squeezed her hands tighter and mustered up all the courage she had to say "I Love you too."

She ignored the pain she felt when her mom let her go. She purposefully ignored the feeling that she had hurt her mom by waiting thirty seconds too long to say I love you back. She ignored the fact that happiness had been an elusive emotion for the last twelve months. At this point, she was unfeeling to almost everything and that scared her so much more than any feeling she had ever felt before.