You, Again

Jack

Devin had met Jack when she started working at the Public Theater. He was an audience member for one of the first shows Rosie had allowed her to work on and by work on, she met be an usher at. She had seated him for a Sunday matinee with his grandmother. All throughout the show she had caught him smiling at her and at the end, he had come back into the theater to ask for her number.

Jack was nothing like Christian or Nev. He was very New Yorker in the sense that he wore suits to work and talked about facts and figures on the conference calls he took on their way to dates. He treated her well and always paid. He was a gentleman in a lot of ways but things never seemed to work with him. He was "too much" and at first she thought it was just his personality. Then she realized it was the coke addiction that he seemed to fuel nearly seven days a week that kept him going. Devin learned the signs early on. She knew when he was hungover or coming off a high. She knew when he wanted to go out with his friends to a club instead of staying in with her. She could feel it in his antsy-ness and how he would ask 'are you sure you don't want to do something tonight?' several times ignoring her previous answer of no. In the years they dated on and off, they had periods of good not great and then periods of very, very bad.

More often than not, the periods of very bad ended with Devin sobbing in Jack's apartment beginning him to say that he loved her or that they were boyfriend and girlfriend. Then he wouldn't and the thing is, it was never a flat out no. It was, 'you and I want different things' or 'I'm not changing who I am' or her personal favorite, 'I've always been truthful about who I am' and she would accept his logic. She would find herself agreeing with him and saying things like 'yes you're right, you've never lied about who you are' and 'of course, I understand you've never promised me a relationship' and she would swallow her anger, her hurt, her confusion. She would inevitably run to Christian who learned not to ask questions about where she came from or who hurt her. This went on for a year or two until one day Christian stopped answering her calls. He never said anything directly to her, he wasn't the confrontation type. He simply stopped holding up his end of a relationship dynamic she had dragged him into.

Devin didn't even bother being hurt by him. She was so focused on getting Jack back or making him jealous that she treated Christian like shit. She knew why he had stopped responding because she had used him for her own needs. She would go over, they'd have sex and Devin would start counting down the time until it was appropriate enough for her to leave. In the beginning Christian would ask her to stay and order dinner but after she declined a few times he got the hint. This wasn't a relationship, this was sex. Angry, make him jealous, sex and in the rare intimate moments they shared when both their guards were down, Devin would remember how much she liked him. She liked that he kept a photo of his family on his nightstand. She liked that he kept his favorite sport's team banner above his bed no matter what apartment he was in. Most of all, she loved that when she would fall asleep he would brush her hair back and kiss her on the forehead. But she wouldn't let herself feel the comfort this action brought her. If she did, she might have to admit that she wanted more from him, the man she was so clearly using.

So instead of being truthful with herself, she would "sleep" until he actually fell asleep and then she'd sneak out. If he woke up, he never said so. She'd grab her phone and text Jack and if she timed it right, he would be in a good mood and invite her over the next evening and suddenly her world would be right side up once again. 

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In the end it would take Devin four attempts at ending it with Jack before he unceremoniously ended it with her. She couldn't blame him really. She was a shell of herself. This relationship with all of his avoidance and all of her anxiety made it impossible for them to capture that early spark. She hated him in some ways and thought she loved him in others. She really hated that he didn't even break up with her. He just stopped answering her calls. She once went so far as to go to his apartment and try to talk to him again. Now granted, she was three drinks in on a Friday night. But she dragged herself to his apartment and he wasn't home. She stood there, outside of his door losing all of her conviction and feeling entirely foolish. She pulled out her phone but realized she didn't have anyone to call. This act of courage was too sad for any of her friends to find funny and Christian had long ago stopped comforting her. She was on her own and she hated it.

What Christian didn't know is that a year after she got ghosted, she ran into Jack and suddenly everything was rekindled. It was always easy with Jack. She fell into him easily. Being around him was like nothing she had ever felt before because he was exciting. He was fun. He was sometimes wild and selfish, borderline narcissistic but she could change him. They were young, she could turn him into the man he was meant to be, not the boy she was currently putting up with. Besides, she reasoned with herself often, he was great in bed and he cared about her. Sure he didn't say he loved her. But she learned how to live in the in-between. The moments that sort of fulfilled the ache she had deep in her belly that she needed more than this. She learned how to fall in love with his actions, not his words. When she had an allergic reaction on the way to his apartment, he ran out to get her allergy meds. When she wanted to go out for martinis he went out and bought the shaker instead. She knew he cared on some level but inevitably, his lack of outward care and his complete disinterest in integrating their lives drove them apart once more – only this time it was with a full blown hysterical episode (her not him, never him) outside of the Smith where they had their first date. She thought she was being cute and nostalgic. He thought she was baiting him into commitment (she was). When he told her flat out he didn't want a girlfriend and never wanted to get married, she burst into tears on the Bowery. He flagged her a cab and tried as gently as he could to put her in it but not before she rolled down the window to beg him again before the cab pulled away.

It was all very dramatic and unfortunately very in character for who she was when she was with him. And the sad part was, Christian had a first seat viewing of her downfall.