You, Again

How Do You Do

October 2018

Devin had begun to assimilate into the university environment in London. She used that word loosely. She would tell anyone who would listen – her mom, her friends from home, the coffee man – that she was "assimilating." It couldn't be further from the truth. In the month since she had gotten to London she had done little but hang out with her Fordham classmates. They had gone to American bars and begun forging friendships with other study abroad students. In truth, Devin found the experience to be lackluster and mildly disappointing. If she had wanted to stay in the same environment she would have spent the year at Fordham.

This thought flitted across her mind as she sat in the university coffee shop. She had begun to hang out here more often than not. If only to get out of her flat. She had yet to meet most of her roommates due to conflicting schedules. She kept hearing someone cooking at 2 am but never quite got up the courage to go see who it was. Besides, if they saw her through the kitchen door what excuse would she have? Oh just wildly thirsty at two am? If they fell for that she had bigger problems.

She sighed. She would eventually make friends. It was only a matter of time as her mother would say. She wanted friends but she wanted more. She wanted to find something that motivated her. She wanted to feel the exact moment of expansiveness she felt when she would hear a song at the perfect moment. It would feel as though the universe were aligning just for her.

Out of the corner of her eye she noticed someone waving at her. Christian approached slowly as if she were an animal he was scared of frightening away.

"All good Dev?" He gestured to the chair across from her and she nodded that it was open. She closed her laptop and slid her books out of his way. Given his long legs and lanky stature she was surprised Christian fit so well into the tinier than normal coffee house chairs.

"Hey, long time no see. How are things?" She had in fact been seeing quite a lot of him recently. In the weeks since their arrival Kiera had jumped into hyper drive about planning Paris. This included weekly dinners and group planning sessions. Devin tried not to think too much into it that she often found herself sitting next to Christian. She was somehow always aware of his presence until Joe walked in. She couldn't quite put her finger on it but when Joe was in the room, it was as though Christian shrunk.

"Good, good. Just .. oh shoot sorry hang on." She watched as he pulled a buzzing phone out of his pocket.

"Mom? Hey, one sec." He gestured to Devin that he was headed outside. She watched as he walked out of the coffee shop. The backwards cap, his crewneck sweatshirt pulled worn at the sleeves from what she assumed was an old habit. Objectively, Christian was not her type. But she could fully understand how someone would find him attractive. He gave her "I could bake you muffins in the morning" vibes and somehow it worked.

She watched as suddenly his body language changed. It was as though an electric shock ran through him and he froze upright. His hand moved to his mouth. He looked left and right, his back still to her. She couldn't take her eyes off of him. Something was wrong, very wrong.

It was as though time moved in slow motion. She watched as he dropped his hand from his mouth and just as it hit his side, he lifted it back up to run through his hair. She watched as he didn't notice hordes of people flooding into the shop around him as a class had let out. They moved around his body. Some throwing a cautious, worried glance over their shoulders as they entered.

It wasn't until he turned around and locked eyes with her that she knew something, someone had died. He didn't need to say it. She knew it. It was the scary sixth sense that people had. Unexplainable and yet nonetheless true.

Without thinking she got up from her seat and went outside. Christian was pale as a ghost. He looked like he would pass out. She raised a hand to his arm and gave him the "are you okay?" with her eyes. He looked back at her bewildered.

They stood like that for a long time. Devin wasn't quite sure how long. She imagined it had to be over a half hour as the crowd died down and surged once more before she went back inside to retrieve their things. Christian hadn't spoken a word. He held the phone up to his ear like a lifeline. She heard murmurs of his mom's voice but everything was jumbled. She couldn't quite make out what was going on.

She followed Christian back to his dorm. He sat down on the stoop as she rifled through his things for his ID badge. When they got inside she followed up into his room and put his stuff down on the bed. She hesitated by the door. She should leave. This didn't feel like something she should be here for.

She heard him say "Okay. Yes I understand. I love you. I'll catch the next flight out." When she looked at him in the eyes she saw what happened to a person when they shattered. In later years, she would tell this story to only a select few. She would tell everything up until this point and purposefully leave out the key details of what happened next.

She kept her eyes on him as he hung up and his phone slid out of his hand, landing with a thud on the floor. When he didn't move, she went to go pick it up. She could feel the shaking before she saw it. His whole body shook with tears. It began with his hands as he tried to get words out. He gestured wildly into the air trying to articulate something, anything that would make sense. She watched as he opened his mouth to cry, scream, curse even but nothing came out. He breathed in deeply and she thought he might choke from the sheer effort of trying to get oxygen into his lungs.

"Christian, look at me. You're okay. I'm here you're okay." She put her hands on his arms and guided him to the bed, coaxing him to sit down. He put his head between his knees. When he came up for air he rested his head in his hands, his elbows digging perfect circles into the tops of his knee caps.

She rubbed his back. She had no idea what to do. She did what her mom would do when something bad happened; whisper you're okay over and over again until she believed it.

His body still shaking, she felt him take one deep breath.

"My dad died."

The air left his body as he passed out from the shock. Devin sat there holding onto him as he regained consciousness, brushing the hair back from his forehead as he came to. They stayed like that a good, long while with Christian eventually curling into a ball, his head in her lap.

In the years that followed she would leave this part out as well. She would end the story with something pithy like "Oh I'm not sure what happened. To be honest I never asked. But I've seen him since, I'm sure he's fine."

She would never betray his trust that on the night his father died, she was the one who held him together when his world fell apart. And in truth, she would do it over again in a heartbeat. No questions asked.