Ivory - An Eburnean Tommy AU

am in the hopital:p

tw: hopital, medical issues, near death experience, mental health, if u dont care- skip>:D

i think ive mentioned here that i struggle with asthma the second i went to college around the city where air and pollution is far too severe than what i experience back at my rural home. ive medicated myself and dealt with struggling nights and mornings alone. Although i take nebulizer when i could no longer take it, or take pills to relieve my symptoms, it never got rid of my condition.

and when they said asthma is a silent killer, it truly is.

i joined intramurals in order to gain extra points, mandatory..specifically speech choir when i had to kneel on a dusty floor, and do exaggerated movements while singing. take note my asthma is caused by psychosomatic stress, allergy induced, cold, and morning/night. i have been struggling to sleep every night, and walking and speaking got harder and harder. after the event, and got a cough from my sick brother..after taking a medicine to accumulate all mucus out of my body..thats where everything fell apart

breathing had always felt like a chore in some way, but torturous? how is that possible? i suffered immense difficulty of breathing for a day at home, i could hardly talk and walk, taking mind of my breathing, fearing it would stop if i dont notice it. my fever was spiking from both anxiety and stress. and i really thought i could make it.

until i had the most severe asthma attack i ever experienced. and that early morning, i thought id be dead.

i was practically strangling. it was not by something weighing on my chest, or blocking my airwarys..but my body going against me. i could hardly move, and couldnt call for help coherently. i was banging whatever object i could slam just to get attention from anyone, made noises from my tightened throat as loud as i could. i felt like i was dying. i was dying. i think. my baby brother thankfully heard me, called my parents..they gave me a nebulizer which helped me breathe better but i was still palpitating like crazy and looked like i was running on a mile.

parents told me i was a walking zombie that day, my fever was rising and i was hardly breathing after the attack. i was no longer wheezing but i wasnt responding either. they thought i was alright, but my lack of response and movement was still concerning. turns out, i think my lungs were fatigued, and couldnt do optimal work anymore,  and it showed when i was sent to the emergency room.

my oxygen levels were almost below 90 (its normal to have 95 to 100% o2sat, its very dangerous if it reached below 90), and i was immediately admitted to monitor my asthma so it wouldnt get worse. like..i could actually die prolly by the next attack.  i was loopy and could only say a few words, and showed refusal to be admitted because of my schoolworks. they were really annoyed that i was still working despite my life was practically on the line. i got checked and at least theres no pneumonia, just bronchitis so im currently taking antibiotics and steroids to keep my airways open, one way to make me fatter hahahaha. hah.

i dont remember how many injections they pumped on my IV site, or nebulizer sessions..checking my temperature, my blood pressure, my oxygen levels..i felt floatyyy- when the doctor realised the nebulizer's causing palpitations, she had to give me an inhaler in hopes it will work out on me. at least it looks like a color grape- now i have a vape:D

-- i died cuz i had a tachycardia ish thingy and passed out --

so im home and yeah i lied about feeling great, but i really just want to get back home instead of staying a few days more in the hospital. i have work to do and exams coming around next week. now im working for my..well theyre not backlogs but in terms of my consistency, i am lacking. at the same time, i have to remind myself that im sick, and duh, my work efficiency has definitely been affected.

i remember working despite being sick in the hospital, and so disappointed that i couldnt get all the work done. and the realisation that im pushing myself to the point of death is..heartbreaking a little. im hurting myself. and pushing myself to limits past me. no one gets to tell me that im doing such a good job..so much of a good job that im working on my papers despite being drugged and breathless half the time. im pumped with whatever sht they put to get me back to shape and im worsening my own state by overworking. parents figured that im just stressed, adding it with allergens and the fluctuating temperature and weather. and i wonder if theyre just overreacting or im only lying to myself that im fine.

because i dont feel tired..and i believe i could do so much more. my bodys the one tired..and perhaps i should listen to it more. i cant tell when im too tired until my body literally just gives up..and perhaps i should let it rest more often.

this is yall reminder to take care of urself, cuz the next thing you know...you ded>:0 just kidding. take care of yourself, be nicer to yourself..this is literally like..your one only body and u nnot treating it kindly:< i still feel pooped now, but im just..so happy i could breathe better. im alive.

and i survived!:D

and we'll be okay.

be nice to yourselves- and happy samhain!! blessed be<3 read the new chap too>:[