Touring with 5SOS

Eight: Airport

MADISON'S POV

I wakeup and we're still on the plane. I'm sat between Michael and Luke, and Luke looks like he's been staring out the window for the whole ride. Michael is listening to music with his headphones and playing some weird game on his phone. I don't know why we're sitting so close to each other, it's just us five on the plane. Or maybe it's a jet. Yeah, it's a jet.

I stand up and stretch, the three boys who are awakes attention turning to me and they burst into laughter. "What is it?" I question, confused. Calum points at my face and I rush to the bathroom, seeing a mustache drawn on my face. This is definitely Michael's doing. He didn't do it to Ash though and he's still asleep, the bastard. I grab some toothpaste and put it over the sharpie and sit on my phone for a few minutes, seeing Michael tweeted a picture and see the nasty replies.

@MukesMarker
'lol. props Michael, she's a bitch anyways'

@ICantThinkOfANewUser
'she's so ugly when she's asleep.'

@phanof5sos
'@ICantThinkOfANewUser is she asleep all the time then? She can't be related to Michael with that face.'

I notice a tear on my phone screen. What did I do to make their fans hate me? I wipe the toothpaste off with a wash cloth and wipe my eyes. That doesn't help one bit as I sit on the counter up against the wall in the fetal position and cry. If I knew what I had done to make them hate me so much I would apologize for it. One day I just started getting hate, and it's just kept getting worse.

I don't even notice when Luke's lanky body comes into the small bathroom and sees me crying, going through the hate tweets.

"Mads, you've gotta stop doing this. What have we told you? None of them would ever say anything like that to your face," he sighs and pulls me in for a hug, as I cry into his shoulder. He picks me up bridal style and carries me out to where Ashton is,mine other two boys probably getting something from out back.

"Was she reading those tweets again?" Ashton asks and Luke nods, both of them hugging me. They start talking quietly and I can tell its about the tweets. That's all I get tweeted really, how am I not supposed to see it?

The question 'are you happy' is so difficult to answer. I always say yes, I have good friends, I laugh at jokes, I go out a lot and have fun, I have the boys, it could definitely be worse. But then late at night when I'm alone I see those tweets, or I think about bad things I've done. I'm still awake at 3am and alone lying in bed, thinking about life. I find myself crying my eyes out suddenly and convince myself that nobody likes me and I can't be loved. I feel horrible and question everything I have. It makes me wonder if I was ever happy at all. It's really sad how one day I'll seem to have everything going right and the next I lose everything do fast.

I don't know how I feel. I feel alone. I can't let people in. I'll only get hurt. I feel scared. Not only of people and places, but myself too. What if I lose myself? I feel guilty. It's all my fault I'm like this, I just can't seem to change myself. But how is it I feel all of those feelings, and yet I feel nothing?

I don't think anyone actually knows me. I pretend to be this strong, cool, calm girl but I'm not. Nobody knows how many times I've cried in my room when nobody was watching. Nobody knows how many times I've lost hope or how many times I've been let down but pretended it was okay and I didn't care. Nobody knows how many times I was about to snap but I just don't for the sake of others, or the thoughts that go through my head when I'm sad.

When I get upset I shut myself down and have no motivation for anything. I tell myself nobody cares even though I know some people do, the boys definitely do. I think all of the negative things possible. I give myself all the pain I think I deserve and I don't know why I do this.